Day 11 without you Dad

A fresh clean page to write to you.  It's snowing outside, and you would not believe the amazing weather we have seen in just 24 hours.  We have seen two rainbows, rain, gushing waterfalls as they cascade out of the desert mountains, sleet, piercing beams of light through the mountains, and now we have SNOW.  I mean, LOADS of snow!!  Dad, you would've been here tonight to experience this.  Remember?  You were going to be here in town, after my return from the adoption conference.  You guys would've stayed at the good ol' Econolodge in Silver City, and the girls would've gone swimming with you.  These are the realizations that are almost unbearable.  Dad, there was so much more to go, experience, see and do!  The fun and exciting times were only beginning, and you were going to be apart of each one.  I still don't understand, and I am just praying that the Lord will see us through this one and that we all remain in tact.  Just dreading this journey of healing.......absolutely dreading it!!!  I've never been through so much pain that it was going to take a definite amount of time to begin to move on to a new something.  Every where we turn, it's talking about a "new" something.  Isaiah 43:19, songs, cards, even Brie's fortune cookie said to "Prepare for the new adventure ahead."  Now, I know that in itself has nothing to do with what God is doing, but it's the reoccurring theme.  Here's the problem Dad, how in the world do we just find the "new"?

Today when I was straightening up the couch with the pillows, it occurred to me that you are already living out your eternity.  You're already meeting the disciples, dancing with Nichole, talking with Jesus.  That's unfathomable to me!  You're already in eternity, forever?!?!?  No longer a man trapped in a vessel that has aches and pains, rather a spirit enjoying the "place that was prepared for you", as promised by Christ?!? 

Katie told me on the way home to your house that, "....I don't want to make you or Daddy sad, but I just don't want to be here.  I want to go to Heaven too.  I want to see Papa there and it just hurts too bad to stay here."  That statement will be our comfort when the Lord calls her home, but for now, it just pains me to hear that staying behind is almost unbearable.  I have to be honest with you, that when I see her like this, I have to make sure that bitterness is not setting in.  I never want such pain to hit our children, especially from their Papa.  I do forgive you and they would too, it's just hard at times.

Okay, I do have to say that in the midst of it all, today was pretty special.  As I told you earlier, the weather elements have been amazing, and like none other.  Also, Mom and I had some good talk time at Javalina.  We were able to talk quietly with one another some bits and pieces of how we're dealing with the process.  Mom goes through waves of "God is great and He is going to do a new thing."  to "I love him so much and we completed one another."  Oh, the process. 

Also, on top of everything else, when we pulled into town last night, I heard on my voicemail a message from the district.  They had me down for an interview, first thing Monday morning.  I almost called to leave a voicemail that would cancel my appointment, but Andres encouraged me to go.  He knew that I needed to put my make-up on, grab a coffee, and visit with other humans.  I need people and I have been spending most of my time with other mourners.  So, it was good to meet new people and visit with them.  Honestly, I really don't want the bookkeeping job, simply because it's a very new thing, but it was GREAT to interview and get my brain on other things.  It's hard to function on the day-to-day tasks, so it was a feeling of accomplishment when I left the district building.  You would've been proud of me for getting into a daily routine, and you would've been mad for cancelling out on the sweet folks at the admin offices.

Well, Dad, it's 11:33 p.m. and it's getting late.  You used to text me "It's time to sleep." when we would text late back-and-forth.  So, it is time for me to get some rest.  With the amount of snow outside, it looks like I'll have Mom and the girls at home with me tomorrow.  Lots of movies and hot cocoa.  Dad, if you can hear a message from the Holy Spirit in me, or even have the capacity to know about us through this time, please keep Katie's health lifted up.  She's still not doing well, and we want her to thrive once more.  A piece of her died that day, so we're trying to help her find joy once more.

I love you, forgive you, and still don't understand all at the same time!

Beth