If anyone could read this post tonight, it would be great if it was someone that has experienced a deep hurt that seems impossible to carry. The kind of hurt that if you think too long about the details, then surely you would find yourself in a dark place. The kind of hurt that sneaks up and stirs up uncontrollable emotions and you find yourself wiping your cheeks once more. I would love for this kind of hurting reader to be with me tonight, reading the words that fall from my fingers to the keyboard, because it brings me comfort to know that not only are you going through this kind of hurt, but also to encourage you that it will be okay. We will be okay. And not only did I walk around before thinking that I had experienced hurt, but I really didn't know that the level of pain that would be coming would only make my former pain look so bearable.
The girls and I have spent the past four days in Arizona, with Mom/Mimi and it has been so hard. I asked Mom this morning, while we were sitting out back with our cup-of-coffee why it seems that the overwhelming sense of loss is greater now, then the first few weeks?!? I thought that as time went on, the sting would go away, and actually the sting does, but the mental thoughts are relentless. It's a lurking emotional disaster waiting to happen, when all you really want to do is see the brighter tomorrow. I prayed on the way home today, that the Lord would bring control over my thoughts and allow me to see the day for what it is TODAY, and not what it WAS. I want to touch and experience my moments for what they are in real time. Everything I see, hear, experience right now has a reminder of Dad all over it, and it's making it hard. Not that I want to "move on" from knowing Dad and having him apart of my day, but I want to experience what God has in store for me and my family as it relates to today. The yesterday brings pain right now, not joy.
If you are reading this, and honestly, it's probably my Mom or Holly reading, and I may think my Mom has forgotten about this blog, so I'm pretty sure it's just Holly. But Holly, if you or someone else is reading this, I want you to know that no matter what kind of pain our Lord is going to permit to come your way, He will be faithful to walk oh so closely to you, especially in the beginning, and the experience will leave you less fearful of future pain, rather a deeper understanding that this is what it means to live as Christ. I have never felt more like Christ, and still pales in comparison, than when I heard Dad's secretary cry out "He's gone." When I heard those words falling out of the phone from Arizona to New Mexico, I felt piercing pain. The kind of pain that leaves you on the floor, and even then, the pain was no greater than what my poor mother felt. A widow at 54 to such a tragic loss, has been more than she can bare, just like the cross Jesus was trying to carry as He was suffering on the way to the hill where He would be crucified. I know Rick Warren's family is feeling the same kind of pain, as they walk through the valley of suicide.
Though the valley is barren feeling, and lonely (especially for mom), our hope in Christ Jesus leads us to believe that the valley is only connecting two mountain tops. To get from one mountain top of life to the next, one must go through the valley. For a journey without the valley, is no journey at all. I know His presence will only be that much stronger, and apparent through this kind of journey. I see why Paul says to consider it pure joy to suffer, for in our suffering our faith is made genuine.
Lord, we are putting our full trust in You that You have not simply "called" us to go through such a loss for our "good", rather You have a plan for this type of pain. Please do not let us merely have a story to tell our children and grandchildren of how we experienced loss and Your faithfulness, rather let ministries arise from these ashes to Your full glory!!! Let us not return to ordinary life, but bring us to a deeper faith in You and a trust that goes beyond circumstances!! Father, I know You hold the very breath I breathe this very moment, and I pray that I breathe in Your truths, and exhale Your goodness to those around me. Inhale truth, exhale blessings! Inhale truth, exhale hope! Inhale truth, exhale light! Inhale truth, exhale encouragement! Inhale truth, exhale life!
May You be praised, and grant us a feeling of Your very presence! Make Your presence in my life all that I need, and not wishing for a human presence to replace You! I love Dad, but he cannot be what I need! I need You!
With love,
Beth
