Same day....another story of God's surprises

So, that was Josh’s story of how God touched him on his first Sunday back.  Here’s mine.  For five years, I have been desperately trying to get to a potter’s wheel so I could quietly watch a potter form a vessel from a lump of clay.  My favorite imagery from the Bible is where God is our potter and we are His clay and when we yield to His hand, He can do mighty things.  This message has spoken to me at different seasons of my life, and since the death of Dad, I feel as if I’m being remolded in some new way yet I couldn’t put my finger on what process of creating the pottery am I in…………UNTIL Sunday! 

Our new church home, which we just joined on Sunday, had a special speaker visiting and guess what?!?!?  Guess what was sitting right there on the stage as we entered into service?  A POTTER’S WHEEL!!!! And furthermore, guess what our guest speaker was?  A Pastor and Potter.  How appropriate, don’t you think?  So, for one hour, I got to join in with our new congregation, as we watched this potter form a new vessel from a thick, moist lump of clay.  He talked ever so assuredly how this whole process of creating a new vessel is like our relationship with Christ.  And guess what part of the creating my family is in right now?  The furnace!  We are being fired up so that the Lord can use us for many purposes, far greater than we could ever imagine, but to be useful, we have to be placed into the furnace.  We feel at times the Potter has forgotten about us or that the temperature is just too hot for our vessel, but the potter knows His purposes for us and what temperature to allow so that it can be complete.  We are not broken pieces of a clay pot that needs to be swept up and redone, rather in the process of being used!

 

 

So, I wait, along with my mom, brothers, husband, sisters, children, and friends as the Potter does His thing.  I will eagerly wait for Him to open the door to the other end of the furnace and take me out and use me for His glory. 

Here is a picture of the pitcher I bought from Brother Dave so that I never forget this past Sunday.  It’s the day I’ve been longing (visually seeing a potter at the wheel) for many years, and now the Lord sends it to me, right in my church home, while we’re in the furnace.  Is He not so tender in how He surprises us with His great gifts?!?  I was dreading going to church in fear of uncontrollable tears (seems to happen a lot lately), but all along the Lord was just waiting with bated breath for me to see my surprise.  He couldn’t wait for me to hurry through the snow, get the girls situated and take my seat.  Thank you Jesus for showing us LOVE as it means to us.  Once again, so personal. 

One month and a week. . .

Family and friends, I have to share a fingerprint from God that was discovered yesterday morning during church, in East Texas.  If you remember, I posted last week that I woke up to Katie’s reading of Jonah 4, and her revelation of the vine and how she must tend to it and ask God not how He can grant her desires, rather how she can serve Him.  Well, yesterday was my brother’s and my first Sunday back to church since our Dad passed away five weeks ago.  Little did we both know that we were both dreading the possible emotions that would come by attending our church homes and how we both had to be obedient in attending yesterday.  Josh was dreading the questions that everyone had about Dad’s passing, and I was dreading a possible crying session in the midst of service.  We both went, and we both returned with HUGE stories.  I will share Joshua’s first and then later this afternoon I will share my story.

(Josh, Katie, and Sofie in Tyler of 2007 before a lake trip)

 

Josh arrived in Sunday School and the teacher said, “Today, we will be looking at Jonah, chapter 4.”  Enough said!!!  Need I say more about the fingerprint and miracle!  When was the last time you walked into SS class and it’s specifically over Jonah 4?  Here Katie had her revelation last Thursday, and then her uncle would be greeted with the same message from his chair in SS class.  He was blown away, even before they began to read the passage.  Here, his little niece encouraged him last week with her words and truths, and then the dreaded Sunday comes and because he follows in obedience, he is welcomed (from the Lord) with the very same passage.  He could not believe it and it showed him that our Heavenly Father knows the pains we face, but in those moments He surprises and refreshes our spirits in a very personal way. 

Josh and Katie, uncle and niece, brother and sister-in-Christ, talked about this unique experience on the phone last night for quite some time.  It was a meeting of the minds, and spirits that go beyond age!  Thank you Lord for being consistent in the message and for creating a full circle through Your Word.  From Jonah, to Katie, to Josh, You make your words relevant and personal throughout all generations.

If you read Jonah 4:1-11, you will see why it’s such a powerful message during such a time as this. 

One month....three days

Good late night to you Lord!  It's 11:33 p.m. and the house sits still.  It's so quiet and I wish there  was a better time for me to journal with you.  I wish I could rise before dawn, and spend time with the words You breathed onto Life's Manuscript, talk with You and even write to You.  Nighttime comes, and it just seems to suit me better.  Everyone is quiet, resting, which brings a sense of rest to me as well, and the thoughts of the day can just flow onto the keyboard before I begin to close my eyes.  I guess it becomes more of reflection at this time of day, rather than anticipation!  Although, You know that I do anticipate each day.

So, Lord, where are we?  You and I, on this new journey?  Well, I can say that You freed us to spend time as a family today amongst the amazing rock formations at the City of Rocks in NM.  Though we did not sit on the pews of our new church home this morning, we sat on the rocks that You created way before our time and just enjoyed Your creation.  According to Your Word:

Luke 19:40

Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

⁴⁰ He answered, “I tell you, if they were to keep silent, the stones would cry out!”

Lord, the very rocks that we walked upon, layed out on, and fellowshiped on, will cry out Your name if we keep silent!  I cannot begin to fathom the boulders that were layered upon layer, and then resting upon solid stone, crying out Your name because your children have gone dormant.  Absolute stone, cold rocks releasing sounds to praise Your Holy name.  What a thought too grandiose for me to even comprehend!  I pray Lord that I will not stay silent when it comes to who You are, nor what You are!

You know, I wish I would've remembered this scripture when we were out there today so that I could've shared it with Andres and the girls.  I will have to share this with them in the morning.  I also thank you for the visual of the power of prayer.  Today, the passenger window would not roll up, and I told Andres that the past two times this happened to me, I had to pray and plea with You to please allow the window to roll back up.  He was getting so frustrated, and then Katie said, "Dad, mom told you how to handle the problem.  Pray!"  Well, in a half-hearted way, he begin to ask you out loud to roll up the window and then it happened......the answer to prayer!  The window returned to it's upright position and we all got a first-hand reminder of the power of prayer, even over the smallest of things.  So, thank You!

Well, we are one month, and three days since Dad's passing and I have to say that it has been getting easier.  I hate that guilt comes with the feelings of freedom, but I also have to remind myself that guilt is NOT of You.  Conviction comes from You, and there is not conviction in allowing You to mend our broken hearts to have the power to live in the ever present moments of the day.  So, I will remember that when I find myself feeling guilty over enjoying life's pleasures, like today's trip to see the rocks, that the enjoyment that I feel is actually an answer to prayer!  It's growth, not regression or a problem.  It's maturity in knowing that I have such a short time to live the rest of my life, so to waste it moment by moment with sadness, is actually less pleasing to You. 

I love You so much and I know that You will continue to take our days and make them count on an eternity sized scale.  I want to continue on with life, but remembering the scar of pain that was left, so that I don't forget the pain others feel as they walk through their journey.  I want to be an example to the girls, and yet, I've been finding through this grieving process that they are more of an example to us on how to grieve.  Their resilience seems to represent the childlike faith You beckon us to have.  If they are to be my examples, then I should find laughter once more in baking white cakes, topped with pink-lemonade frosting.  Or spotting deer and acting like it's the first time.  I need to remember to cry when I feel like crying, but once it's out, then return to my favorite cooking show for new ideas to feed my family.  Life has so many treats along the way, and I don't want to settle for a basket-full of rotting food.  You have so much more in store for us!  Use us Lord beyond such a tragedy and let us be a blessing to those around us!

With so much anticipation of tomorrow and gratitude in my heart for today,

Beth

P.S. I'll upload pictures of today's outing tomorrow, but for now, here's a picture of Mom and I from this past week.  Thank you Jesus for giving us special Mom/Daughter moments through all of this.  I love her so much and though she reminds me over and over again that I brought her life when I was born, I KNOW that she brought me life by choosing life.  So many around her wanted something different because she was such a young mom, but she knew in her heart that You wove a gift into her womb (and that was before she knew You even).  Also, You allowed Katie to pick up her love of rocks once more.  She attended her first field trip with Andres.  This was the field trip that Papa was supposed to go on, but her Dad stepped in for him.  They had a wonderful time and came home with more stories than time to share!  And, while they were out, Brie and Sofie got to hang out and make some memories as sisters.  There is such an age gap between them, that these kinds of days are good for them.  Time is ever-passing!

 

Day twenty-six without Dad . . .

 

Heavenly Father, You are creating us anew!  Anew indeed, and yet there's still so much more to go.  I think that's where the daily exhaustion of grieving can come, is when we think about how much longer the journey is ahead.  Whether we wanted to sign up or not, we're on this road, and so we walk.  We walk, moving forward and whatever the day brings we are ready (with You) to go through this new path of life.  If the rain pours, or the sun shines upon us, we will hold your hand and breathe in the air that You are providing each step of the way.  Sometimes it will feel as though we are suffocating, and other times, we will easily fill up our lungs with "the" breath of life!  You are a life giver, and as one bends over to perform lifesaving CPR, so you breathe into us a new life when we feel like we are dying.  Thank you!

Today, started off a bit rough between Andres and I.  There's pain and hurt, and at times it comes out in painful ways.  Ha!  That makes me laugh because why would we ever think that the emotions "PAIN", and "HURT" ever give off something edifying?  Of course those two emotions result in painful actions.  So, we were painful this morning to one another.  Andres feels so betrayed and hurt by losing his father-in-law.  So much ground covered, and so much more to go.  So many plans experienced, so many plans that will never come to fruition.  Instead of Dad attending Katie's field trip this upcoming Saturday, it will be here Daddy.  Instead of Dad assisting Andres in buying his first new car in the year ahead, it will be just Andres.  Instead of Dad being on the receiving end of his text messages about the new things he's experiencing at the mine, it will have to be stories he shares around the dinner table with us girls.  Dad was supposed to be apart of so much, and he's already missed events that were on the calendar between now and the day he passed.  So, it's hard when we think about that, and sometimes we take it out on one another. 

As the day went on, we realized we MUST figure what our "normal" is going to be and because we are the parents, we get to set those guidelines.  That makes it exciting and interesting at the same time.  Andres took Sofie to church, I stayed home with the other two as we finished off a nauseating illness, and by the afternoon time, we were making fresh roasted potatoes, throwing steaks on the grill, and praising You for the life that is before us.  We cannot let the morning we learned of Dad's death, January 17th at 8:22 a.m., define the rest of our lives.  We cannot let the girls grow up and say, "My parents were so united until the morning of...", or us say "We remember our girls being so happy, and joyful until the morning of..."  Life cannot stop.  So, we learn to live with a hole in our hearts and a deeper appreciation for life.  We understand all to well how fast we can be called home.  Our last heartbeat is not a threat to living, rather a promise that it will take place.  How do we want to be found in those last moments?  Living!  I want to die living, so those who I leave behind will talk of such "living" things.  Praying with my Lord, painting my nails, laughing with the girls, enjoying a coffee with Andres, hiking a new trail, washing two dogs, taking a long Sunday nap........those are things I want to be found doing as I take my last breath. 

Lord, as I begin to journal tonight, I began to think about characteristics that define You.  If we are to become more like you, then what characteristics should I be exhibiting for the my family, friends, and community?  I found a list of 60, and I will start there.  I will begin exhibiting and focusing on one at a time, and go from there.  I will ponder the scripture that proves that character quality in You and journal what it's like to become more like You.  I found them on the website: http://seekthisjesus.com/?p=3

So, for tonight and the next couple of days, the quality that I will be working on is . . .

LOVE: 

 Love will enable us to appreciate our brothers and sisters in the Lord, and, of course, our family, and others around us. Love is taking the initiative to build up and meet the needs of others without expecting anything in return. (John 13:1; John 15:13; 1 Corinthians 13:3)

Lord, my prayer is that you will help me appreciate my brothers and sisters in You and those around me.  Help me take the initiative to build up and meet their needs without expecting anything in turn.

AMEN.

Hey, Lord.  I just talked to Andres and he's going to join me in this endeavor to be more like You.  We are going to take "LOVE" for the next three days.  He's going to focus on loving the junior high kids at La Plata Middle School, and I am going to work on loving some of Brie's less than desirable friends and the diabetes patients in Silver City.  Okay......learning to be more like You.  I LOVE that!  :)

Day twenty-two without Dad

Good morning Lord.....Praise You, Praise You, Praise You!!!!!  Your mercies are indeed new each morning.  Today Katie woke up and said, "Mom, I found sunshine again.", and it seems that you are granting that to several other family members!!  It feels like a breakthrough of sorts.  Last night, we had victory when Katie began to talk very candidly with us about Dad's passing and she even watched the slideshow from his funeral service.  There was a FLOOD of tears, but we knew that it was necessary to move to the next step.  There's nothing more the enemy would want then for her to let her light dim out, with the loss of her biggest earthly love- Dad.  Aside from her Mom and Dad, her Papa was the first love of her life and it was her first heartbreak.  The enemy knows this, and he'd love to confuse her about her purpose.  Life needs Katie, and Katie needs life!  You are the life giver and even in death, life is to be had. Eternally!  So, Lord, as much as we have been on our knees begging for the pain to be lifted, today I stand and lift my hands to the Heavens in Praising You for the sunshine!!  After all, Dad's nick name for the girls was "Papa Sunshine." 

Be with Mom today as she visits with a counselor for the first time, and begins to glue back the pieces of her broken heart.  I picture a mosaic piece just waiting to be created!  Create something new in her from all the pieces of her life and grant me the honor of watching it be displayed.  Oh, how the people will want to meet the Artist of such a creation, and I know Mom will give out Your name each and every time!

So, Lord for today, on day 22 without Dad, I give you all my praise for giving us a fresh breath of air.  Thank you for healing Andres, giving Katie sunshine in her heart, givng Brie a spring in her step and just blessing Sofia with continued innocense of a child.  Oh............and THANK YOU for allowing me to see Dad in my dreams last night.  I asked You before I fell asleep to please allow me to see him and hug him one last time, and you granted that!  I want to share with my family members, but not sure if I should.  It felt so great to feel Dad's embrace one more time.  I could feel the crispness of his jacket, and as I wrapped my arms fully around his mid-section (belly as I would refer to it with Dad), I could feel his embrace.  I cried so hard in my dream and found that when I woke up, I was covered in my tears in real life too.  Thank you for such an experience.

With so much love and life today,



Beth

Day twenty without Dad

Dearest Lord,

I am writing you as Andres and I are sitting in the ER at Gila Hospital.  Andres is super sick, round two, with super high fevers and even a delusional state of mind.  He was diagnosed today with the flu, but it just continued to get worse as the night went on.  The girls were scared and their biggest concern was anything happening to their Daddy.  Katie’s heart broke and she just fell apart because the thought of something being wrong with her Daddy, after losing her Papa was more than she could handle.  Brie texted me while I was here and she just misses us being a family of five, more than anything else.  I just glimpsed over at Andres and he looks terrible.  I have never seen him look this way before, over the 18 ½ years that we’ve been together.

Lord, I don’t know what You are allowing come our way, but it’s hard.  We have lost full control of our lives and it just feels like all ground has been removed underneath us.  I am supposed to start a job tomorrow, the girls are going to be out this day or that day, Andres is super ill, we are all grieving the loss of Dad, and the list seems to go on and on.  Maribel left on a plane yesterday for El Salvador, as her mom is dying and though it’s expected, it’s just the timing of it all.  I want to draw my strength from You, and You alone, but I don’t even have strength to draw strength.  It takes energy to do that too. 

Father, this very night, I ask that you be with my family.  Be close to us and see our every move.  Please give us a fresh breath of air and let us refill with some hope and peace that only You can provide.  This is my first letter to You, as I’ve changed my letter writing from Dad, to You.  Be my all in all. 

With love and a desperation for Your presence,

Beth

Day 15 without you Dad

And I've decided to start redirecting these letters to the Lord.  Not because I'm angry, but because it's time to move to the Lord about all of this.  The more I write to you Dad, the harder it becomes to heal.  It took a lot for me to delete your phone number from my cell phone.  Why?  They've already disconnected your phone, and the name "Papa" that appears in my address book only reminds me of the pain that Katie is experiencing.  So, I hit delete and came to terms that our conversations will have to return on the other side of life.  I told Mom last night that it feels like a huge hole in my heart to go from a last text message to never speaking to you again, and then when we do speak, I can't ask about your last moments and what was going on before you took your last breath.  So, for now, I will begin to talk with the Lord about our healing process and I know that you and I will dance for the first time when I take my last breath. 

Since this is your last letter, I want you to know that this healing process stinks.  It stinks because right when you feel the warmth of a healing heart, it gets cold again and the emotions pour forth.  And the thing is, they come at the most random places, with random people and over random things.  I just want to stop crying randomly, but as I've been reading, that will take time.  I just finished reading "The Empty Chair" and it says that we have to choose to sign up for the healing process and once we do, then we can begin the journey to healing.  BUT, until we specifically choose to sign up, it never really begins.  That can take years.  Dad, you never signed up to grieve Nichole nor the loss of a marriage with Sherry.  I wish you had, so that we could have seen the fullness of God's redeeming story of loss and brokenness.  Now you are complete, and you no longer grieve. For that I am joyful for you.

Today, I walked Katie and Sofie into school so that I could talk with the school counselor.  Katie's spirit has been shattered and you would not even recognize her right now.  If you were here, and she was experiencing this kind of pain for a different reason, then you'd call her up and say "Howdy, howdy, howdy. This is Pa-Pa!!!" and of course she'd pull out, laugh and share with you her pain.  That's why it's so hard.  Her "buddy" is gone and she doesn't want to be consoled by anyone else.  She's in denial of your death, and is experiencing depression.  The counselor is going to pull her out weekly to have sessions with her.  He's going to encourage her to talk about her memories of you, and maybe even share a picture of you and her that means so much.  He's going to ask her about memories of you, so that she can recognize the significance of ya'lls relationship and begin to heal.  We are praying for her, and if you could watch over her, then please do.  Please whisper something into her heart and let her recognize that it came from you.  Please!

Nathan and Josh are dealing with a lot anger.  They are mad, sad, and bewildered.  Their wives are left with broken men, and broken hearts of their own.  In time, things will get better and we'll be able to see purpose through all of this, but it's still hard.  I'm so glad that you cannot hear/read all the pain that your one choice has caused the family.  I wouldn't want you to carry this kind of reality.  It would be more than you could bare, so it's best that your in Heaven, forgiven, and FREE. 

Today, mom and I are at the coffee shop, spending our last day together at Javalina.  She has a new laptop, and it has been so good for her to stay connected with everyone.  She is typing on Facebook, and I am blogging.  We both have books out, and two amazing coffees made special by Bart.  I wish you could be here too, but for now I am choosing to accept your absence. 

Later today, we return to Arizona.  Mom, Andres, and Ron will go through your office to clean things out.  That will be very hard, but it's so necessary for Mom to go through each of these steps to close things out.  After that, they are heading to the cemetery to designing your headstone.  These things are so weird to talk about and at times I just swear that you're back in Mesa working and when we bring Mom home, we'll see you.  This life is hard!

Well, Dad, I am going to close out this letter.  I am going to post a few pictures, and as hard as it is going to be to not write specifically to you, I need to write to the Lord.  I need Him so much right now, and He can do something to heal this broken heart/family.  You cannot do anything for us on this side of Heaven.  So, with much love and respect for you, I say good-bye.  I love you with all my heart, and you are forgiven.  I forgive you!  Doesn't mean that anger doesn't pop at times, but it does mean I don't hang on to it.  I let you go and live with your Father!  It's so hard to close this letter out, as much as it was to delete your number.  I still haven't deleted our text messages, but that will come in time.

With much love,

Beth