A relapse? Yes. A relapse.
What is a relapse? Is it just a word for a recovering alcoholic? Drug addict? Somone that is addicted to pornography? No. It's for me. It's for a sinner who returns to his/her ways in the moment of weakness. A moment of when their mind is not focused, and they are not prepared to handle the addictive behavior.
Relapse defined:
re·lapse 1. to fall or slip back into a former state, practice, etc.: to relapse into silence. 2. to fall back into illness after convalescence or apparent recovery. 3. to fall back into vice, wrongdoing, or error; backslide: to relapse into heresy. (www.dictionary.com)
What have I been "slipping back into"? Fear. Doubt. Guilt. Legalism.
I started this post a while back, and I'm returning to it tonight to finish. To be honest with you, inspite of lapsed time, I know exactly what the relapse was and has been and is.
For the past four days, I have been in the beautiful hills of Buford, Geogia at Lake Lanier Islands. I've been basking in His presence, with three other ladies. We have been convicted, encouraged, driven for change. When I signed up for my three sessions, it was no suprise the titles, nor the order in which I would attend these sessions. Session one was "Creative Quiet Time with God", and second session was "Nurturing your Marriage", and the kicker "Parenting in Grace". I have learned so much more of my sinful nature that has been hiding in the blankets of comfort, a cheerful heart, a good word for the day, and even fear. It's funny how I question someone's faith when they are doing life in a rather negative way, when really my faith is in the early stages, just masked with joy. Joy does not mean I have faith, though a true faith brings about joy.
This past weekend, I realized that I have been driving my walk with the Lord out of rigor, duties, avoidance of sin, "diligence", and the placement of external controls. I thought that I understood the Lord's love for me, when really, I only have a teeny-tiny glimpse of how much He adores me. He's not holding His blessings in one hand, and only ready to release them when I am doing the right thing. He blesses me even when I'm not blessing Him. Should I not bless the girls, even when they are not blessing me? Yes.
I have been fearfully parenting. Afraid of the sin, trying to prevent the sin, and even pushing the sinners afar. Isn't that haughtiness? I didn't think that I was placing myself in a "better" category, but I think that maybe I slipped into the notion of one. Forgive me Lord. Forgive me for demonstrating that kind of relationship with You, before the girls. I want them to know You. Know Your heart. Know your kindness, guidance, and how you guide them along. You don't stand in front of them and let them only walk if they are going to do the right thing. They walk, and you walk alongside them. You speak to them, whether they hear You or not, and You even wait for the "mess up". You see the bottom as a wonderful place to be, because you get to come along and rescue. We, they, get to cry out, and You get to pick up. If I don't allow the girls to walk the journey of life, and even experience the disappointment of a sinful nature, how will they see their Lord bend over to scoop them up? Isn't that a sweet place in our walk with Him? The moment that He becomes "Daddy", and I'm just a hurting daughter?!?
1 John 4:18-19 says, "There is no fear in love; instead, perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment. So the one who fears has not reached perfection in love. We love because He first loved us."
Said again. . . .
There is NO FEAR in love; INSTEAD, PERFECT love drives OUT fear, because fear involves PUNISHMENT. So the one who fears has NOT reached PERFECTION IN LOVE. We love because He FIRST loved us.
Lord, I cannot love, or live out of fear, instead in your perfect love for me, I can rest confident and secure. The need to control or be punitive with those around me will fade. I have not been made perfect in Your love, yet. I can love and be loved because You loved first! I love you Father! Thank you!
Like and an alcoholic puts down the shot of whisky, so, I put down the feelings of fear, guilt, and legalism. I grab His hand and walk along the pathway of life. We will not avoid, rather walk through moments of failure. And, it does not reflect on who He's made me to be, rather gets me closer to what He intended all along. Praise You!
Love the song "Beautiful Things" and I'm reminded that "You make me new, you are making me new." It's the "-ing" in "making" that gives me HOPE! Thank you for the "-ing".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uumI-PdeZzY (here's a link in case you've never seen the words/heard the song.
This is a pic of the islands where we stayed.
A view from the resort area.
