Day 11 without you Dad

A fresh clean page to write to you.  It's snowing outside, and you would not believe the amazing weather we have seen in just 24 hours.  We have seen two rainbows, rain, gushing waterfalls as they cascade out of the desert mountains, sleet, piercing beams of light through the mountains, and now we have SNOW.  I mean, LOADS of snow!!  Dad, you would've been here tonight to experience this.  Remember?  You were going to be here in town, after my return from the adoption conference.  You guys would've stayed at the good ol' Econolodge in Silver City, and the girls would've gone swimming with you.  These are the realizations that are almost unbearable.  Dad, there was so much more to go, experience, see and do!  The fun and exciting times were only beginning, and you were going to be apart of each one.  I still don't understand, and I am just praying that the Lord will see us through this one and that we all remain in tact.  Just dreading this journey of healing.......absolutely dreading it!!!  I've never been through so much pain that it was going to take a definite amount of time to begin to move on to a new something.  Every where we turn, it's talking about a "new" something.  Isaiah 43:19, songs, cards, even Brie's fortune cookie said to "Prepare for the new adventure ahead."  Now, I know that in itself has nothing to do with what God is doing, but it's the reoccurring theme.  Here's the problem Dad, how in the world do we just find the "new"?

Today when I was straightening up the couch with the pillows, it occurred to me that you are already living out your eternity.  You're already meeting the disciples, dancing with Nichole, talking with Jesus.  That's unfathomable to me!  You're already in eternity, forever?!?!?  No longer a man trapped in a vessel that has aches and pains, rather a spirit enjoying the "place that was prepared for you", as promised by Christ?!? 

Katie told me on the way home to your house that, "....I don't want to make you or Daddy sad, but I just don't want to be here.  I want to go to Heaven too.  I want to see Papa there and it just hurts too bad to stay here."  That statement will be our comfort when the Lord calls her home, but for now, it just pains me to hear that staying behind is almost unbearable.  I have to be honest with you, that when I see her like this, I have to make sure that bitterness is not setting in.  I never want such pain to hit our children, especially from their Papa.  I do forgive you and they would too, it's just hard at times.

Okay, I do have to say that in the midst of it all, today was pretty special.  As I told you earlier, the weather elements have been amazing, and like none other.  Also, Mom and I had some good talk time at Javalina.  We were able to talk quietly with one another some bits and pieces of how we're dealing with the process.  Mom goes through waves of "God is great and He is going to do a new thing."  to "I love him so much and we completed one another."  Oh, the process. 

Also, on top of everything else, when we pulled into town last night, I heard on my voicemail a message from the district.  They had me down for an interview, first thing Monday morning.  I almost called to leave a voicemail that would cancel my appointment, but Andres encouraged me to go.  He knew that I needed to put my make-up on, grab a coffee, and visit with other humans.  I need people and I have been spending most of my time with other mourners.  So, it was good to meet new people and visit with them.  Honestly, I really don't want the bookkeeping job, simply because it's a very new thing, but it was GREAT to interview and get my brain on other things.  It's hard to function on the day-to-day tasks, so it was a feeling of accomplishment when I left the district building.  You would've been proud of me for getting into a daily routine, and you would've been mad for cancelling out on the sweet folks at the admin offices.

Well, Dad, it's 11:33 p.m. and it's getting late.  You used to text me "It's time to sleep." when we would text late back-and-forth.  So, it is time for me to get some rest.  With the amount of snow outside, it looks like I'll have Mom and the girls at home with me tomorrow.  Lots of movies and hot cocoa.  Dad, if you can hear a message from the Holy Spirit in me, or even have the capacity to know about us through this time, please keep Katie's health lifted up.  She's still not doing well, and we want her to thrive once more.  A piece of her died that day, so we're trying to help her find joy once more.

I love you, forgive you, and still don't understand all at the same time!

Beth

Day 9 without you Dad

Well, Dad here we are, one week later.  Our bodies have experienced endless tears to the point where we have burnt marks on our cheeks.  We have hit our legs as we grasp for air through the crying. We've had hurt throats from the screams from the initial shock, and that doesn't begin to mention the cancar sores in our mouths, the sleepless nights, heartburn, puffy faces and so much more.  And now, all the outward stress that has been witnessed by Katie has taken it's toll on Katie.  She has fever, lethargic, and just feels like "sleeping, sleeping".  Dad, this is deep grief and depression.  When will our days get better? 

We have planned out services, made slideshows, fought with one another, drank too much, shut down to no words at all, and so much more.  We have seen no less than 14 people at a time in the house, endless meals, visitors of all sorts, bewildered faces and family members left with so many questions.  Questions of not only "why", but also questions of why we keep talking about your faith and how you loved the Lord.  You loved Him so much, but could never find that internal peace with the pathways He's allowed to come your way. 

Dad, as you would expect, I am reading a book titled "The Empty Chair" and at times, I cannot believe that I am searching for ways to understand this kind of trauma, as it relates to the kind of death we have experienced.  This kind of death has taken it to a whole new level, a level that can feel isolating, embarrassing, and even hopeless.  What did you need from us Dad?  What did you need to hear us say or what could we have done?  You had text messages flooding your in-box, voicemail was full, we moved from Texas to be closer, children checking in, grandkids calling, and the list goes on and on.  What else could we have done?  We spent almost 17 years telling you how much we loved you and how we called you Dad.  We would pull you in on happy moments and turn to you during sad moments.  We loved you............heck, we LOVE you!!

I am reading that this has nothing to do with us, rather it has everything to do with you.  It was your sadness, and parts of your heart that no one could understand or reach that left you feeling this way.  It's odd to think of someone like you feeling like it's simply over.  What do we do with that, Dad?  Did you think about the hearts of everyone around you?  Let's simply begin with Mom.  What about a 54 year-old wife that is now titled "widow"?  What about her walking through the home daily without you there?  What about the bed you share and how it's empty now?  How does she do this, Dad?  You know the journey she has already been down, and now you have added to that.  I love you just the same, but I can't believe you didn't process this one through.  You ALWAYS process things through and you ALWAYS calculate the cost of your decisions.  What about the boys?  What about Joshua Kyle and Nick?  What about Nathan and Josh?  What about me?  What about Katie?  Brie?  Sofie?  Omi?  Kai?  What about neighbors?  Church members?  Co-workers? 

I know that you cannot answer these questions, because if you were at a place of considering each one, you would've been overwhelmed with sadness and the course you would've chosen would have been different.  So, I don't hold these things against you nor do I harbor them deep in my heart, but there are questions nonetheless. 

Eighteen months of pain, they say!  Dad, we have eighteen months of pain to push through, and if we try to cut it short through medication or alcohol, we push it back that much further.  Can you imagine the journey ahead?  It's a forced journey and we will make it through, but it's tiresome to think of eighteen more months of anguish.  I wish it could hit at once, and we could feel the pain for two days and then done.  I know that after the eighteen months are finished, there will still be much more to go, just not the kind of sting we feel now.

Tonight, Judy and Stan put us in a hotel to give the five us some space from everyone and everything.  The girls miss their mom and dad, so it's nice tonight to not only hug one another in a cold, hotel room with great accommodations, but it's also nice to write again to you.  I've been waiting for this moment and praying that I will not forget what I feel so that when I had access to the internet once more, I could remember what I want to say. 

We are all so wiped!  Our bodies have gone through so much, and Monday is coming too quickly.  Everyone has to report to work/school and the frontage road to the highway of pain is coming to an end.  We are going to have to get onto the highway and start living through the grief, while living "normal" life.  I never want this kind of frontage road again, and pray for the Lord's return before I ever experience such pain.

As I am writing this, I am listening to the Pandora, and it's the instrumental praise station.  The song playing is "Because He lives, I Can Face Tomorrow.....life is worth the living, just because He lives."

I'm ending on that note.....

With so much love, forgiveness, and heartbreak,

Beth

Day 1 without you Dad

Dad,

It's 11 p.m. and I'm not sure why I'm writing this to you.  Today we found out that you are no longer with us, and our hearts can barely digest the news.  It feels so weird to think that this is not a text message, in which I hit send, and you hit reply.  Nor is this a phone call where I say, "Hey Dad, it's Beth", as if you didn't already know, and you say, "Hey Beth"  You're gone!  I can't believe that you are not here. 

Dad, as if the pain was not hard on mom and I as we heard the news after dropping off the girls at school, but it was even harder to tell the girls.  They love you so much and miss you already!  They wanted to say good-bye.  You and Katie had a rock field trip next month and you didn't get to see her arrowhead.  Dad, we were supposed to ride back from Tuscon to Silver City together from the airport.  Remember?  I just told you yesterday how I was looking forward to that trip and I told you to prepare yourself because, "I have lots of questions", and you replied, "Yes, I know you do.  You always do."  We even reminisced about the day you took me to try out for "Deal or No Deal". 

I am without words.  I need to write to you, as if in some weird way, you could write back.  How can death be so final?  How are we supposed to pick up the shattered pieces of sadness and make them whole again?  What do we do with reappearing memories of your face?  Or memories of being together?  Memories are supposed to make you feel better, but they hurt me.  They remind me of what we had and what we will never have again. 

Dad, Christmas was so wonderful.  I loved seeing you.  The girls loved being with you.  Andres loved talking with you.  Dad, he left Architecture and is now in your industry!!!!!!  How do we deal with that?  Before, we would've never have seen a mine, but now it's our livelihood.  And now you're not here to be apart of that?  This was your whole life, mining, and now that we have to live and breathe it, you're not here?  We just moved here a month ago.  And now you're gone? 

My heart is crushed and Katie has so many questions.  She sat on her Daddy's knee and has so many questions.  Brianne thought we were lying to her because it just doesn't feel real.  It didn't hit her until later in the evening and then she bursted out into painful tears. 

And there's Mom.  Dad, Mom is broken, crushed, and yet she knows.  She knows that the Lord is with her and with us.  She knows you are whole, complete and without any pain.  You can run through the fields of grace, and hold onto the hand that gave you life.  You can see Nichole, as a complete and whole person, and then there's Grandpa George and Papa Mike.

Where do we go from here?  Josh is on his way with Andres from El Paso Airport, my in-laws are with us, and the house keeps getting more and more full.  But you're not here.  Oh Dad, I don't want to stop writing to you because I know that when I close out this post and shut down the computer, I have to go to sleep and then I have to wake up.

I love you, and I miss you! 

Beth

I Thess.4:1-11 simplified.....

Moving ahead of this Sunday's sermon: 

I Thessalonians 4:1-12

v. 1-5 (tells us to live to please God)
           *  be sanctified
           *  avoid sexual immorality
           *  control your body in a way that is holy-not in lust

v.8 (When you do not do the above; it is not against your parents, grandparents, friends, youth leader, pastor, boss.............rather it's against God.)

v.11 (Life Ambition should be....)
          *  lead a quiet life
          *  mind your own business
          *  work with your hands to win respect with outsiders and so that you do not depend on others


It felt great to get into the Word tonight, and of course I love it when it's easy to put into simple terms.  I can see that I need to live to please God through sanctification, avoiding sexual immorality, and controlling my body.  My life's ambition comes with living a quiet life, minding my own business, and working with my hands to provide for me and my family.

Random Picture.....Random Post

It's almost a writer's dream.  Ha!  Did I just make reference to myself as a writer?  Well, I shouldn't.  I should say that it's a journalist's dream to have such an evening.  I consider myself more of a journalist, than a writer.  Not because it was my minor in college, but rather I document things that take place or even ponder on actual events.  A writer has a deep imagination that can take others into story lines that are beyond their imagination.  I can only write about the here and now.

Okay, back to the dreamy part.  It's the perfect time to write.  It's 12:27 a.m., I just had a very warm bath, I'm tucked under my favorite blanket (with sherpa on one side), and the house is silent.  I am left only to my thoughts, a keyboard and the ability to get things written down. 

Sofie asked me the other day, when she was sick, why I am "texting".  What she meant is why am I on this familiar page with a dashboard and editing options, known as "Blogger.com"  Well, I told her that I like to write things down for her and her sisters.  I am a firm believer that a gift that will outlast this 62.5 inch frame are my words.  It will be a lasting gift to leave them words from their mom that the Lord laid on her heart, or reflections from the day's events, or even random jottings like this one.

There's so much that I could write about this midnight.  I could go on about the new friend Brie met, named Olivia, and how refreshing it was to Brie to meet another like-minded girl.  I could talk about how we visited a church today and it felt like home.  The other one we were visiting was great, and the people were nice, but something just wasn't locking into place for us.  I might even write about the wonderful evening we had as a family and how we parted ways to our room with a reading from "God's Grace for the Day", and how it reminded us that the moment we took the Lord as our Savior, we were bestowed millions of resources that others do not have.  Then, I could ponder on the Nevils family and how I am amazed at Steve's ability to keep living out each day.  One part of him is already in eternity (Katy), one part of him is in a hospital room for the past 55 days, and one part of him is staying with family.  Nothing is together, and yet, he knows God is sovereign. 

Perhaps, I will remember the talk the Lord and I had this morning while I was getting ready for church.  He reminded me, as He has been for the past five weeks, to enjoy the moment because work will come all too soon.  Why can't I rest in that and really BREATHE in the moments instead of anticipating employment?  Well, I asked Him to forgive me of that, and now I'm ready this week to REST in His presence!!!

And, maybe I'll just let a little random writing take place, and begin to close out this post.  I hear Brie stirring, which she does often (light sleeper), and Andres' phone just buzzed (a new e-mail).  Maybe it's time to just rest and prepare this body for a bright and early morning.  The girls' feet will hit the floor quicker than I'd like and the daily routines will begin.  For now, thank you Jesus for this very day!  Thank you for Brianne, Katherine, and Sofia.  Thank you for two biological girls that I experienced from pregnancy on, and one that we pursued fervently.  AND, thank you for Andres' heart.  The kind of heart that says "yes" to the hard stuff and "no" when it would be easier to say "yes"

With love,

Beth

P.S.  As I was booting up the computer, I found this picture on my desktop.  It was from 2  years ago.  It was Western Day at Tate Springs Christian School and Sofia Margaret was the prettiest cowgirl I ever did see.  You should've seen her perform!  I thought it would be fun to just post this random picture to this random post. 

Sofie's Sick....good for me

My favorite moment are sometimes are not the very best of days for someone else.  Take today.  Sofia is sick, and yet it's my favorite moment.  It's not so good for her, but oh so great for me.  I get to hold her, tuck her in, brush her hair behind her ears, fix a special drink and meal, and tell her I love her all day. 

We get to catch up on the princess movie world, and I get a chance to rest too. 

Sweet Sofia......resting with her Belle dog (which was born when she was), and her Daddy's camouflaged Snuggie that Mimi and Papa bought him. 

Annie, the enemy, and Daisy

It was early the other morning and we heard sudden barking coming from our front porch.  It was from Annie, our 1/2 Chihuahua, 1/2 Rat Terrier.  I have to post a picture because the one thing that just really stands out about this unexpected gift that came into our life, are the MASSIVE ears that come from the top of her little head. 

Annie barks only when she sees something worth talking about, so Brie got up to check things out.  When she went to the front window, she saw a huge coyote just below the hill.  The coyote was scouting Annie and considering all costs to taking her.  Brie called out to us and when she did, it startled the coyote.  He moved to the back of our yard, in the high weeded fields that slop to our back patio.  He assumed position to continue his considerations.  He literally had his eye on Annie, even though we were in close proximity.  He was huge.  In Texas our coyotes were skinny and appeared to be lacking  food.  Not this mountain coyote.  He was well fed, and Annie was his next meal. 

BUT, do you know what kept him from grabbing Annie and running off into the Gila National Forest?  Daisy's presence.  You see, sitting quietly right next to Annie, also watching the coyote, was our four-year-old boxer.  She didn't have to say a word, bulk up her chest or even chase the enemy away.  All she had to do was stand by her adopted sister! 

When I realized this, it reminded me of how we are to stand next to our brothers or sisters-in-Christ!  How, if by simply standing by their side when they are being prowled upon by the enemy, we could save a life.  We can give them strength hope, and a sense of security.  Just our presence!  We don't have to say a word, nor fluff our feathers.  All we have to do is let the enemy know that our dear friend/family member is not for the taking, so go elsewhere! 

I love this!  Thank you dear friend for the times that you've stood next to me while the enemy was lurking outside, waiting for a weak moment! 

A lesson in Black Range Mountains . . .

Before I forget what the Lord revealed to me during yesterday's drive, I must hurry and type it out.  It's 6:43 a.m., the girls are sleeping, but are sure to rise shortly.  I have my cup-of-coffee in tote, the scripture for today and so much to get out.  So without further delay...

We went to El Paso yesterday in hopes of shopping at Costco.  Options for bulk shopping in Silver City is a bit scarce, so we finally loaded up the car and headed to Texas.  It was so weird to cross the New Mexico/ Texas border and know that we were still about 10 hours away from our family and friends.  No chance for a visit yesterday, but it was fun to think we were on the same soil.

Anyway, we get to Costco and it was closed.  Us girls laughed silently because we knew how upset Andres was.  He thought it said they'd be open on-line, but instead of it being open on New Year's Day, it was New Year's Eve.  So, we dished out a bunch of grace, which wasn't hard to do because we LOVE to hit the road for a day trip, and we headed over to the Dollar Tree (which was a treat in itself), and had lunch at Taco Cabana. 

After our El Paso lunch and excursion to the Dollar Tree, we stopped by a mall, which only made us long for Silver City that much more.  We have realized on these little outings that we really don't miss mass shopping, cars or people.  We love our quiet town, with long conversations and odd stores to pick up things.  Well, on the way home, Andres took us the very scenic route, to surprise us girls.  I'm tellin' ya....us girls love a road trip.  We love stopping by for a  fountain drink, and snack of choice, and then taking off our shoes and looking out the window.  WE ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT! 

The scenic route he took was down 152, after traveling a bit down 25.  We first drove through this quaint town of Hillsboro, NM, and then low and behold mountains!!  Aaahhhh.......there's nothing like the feeling of escalation.  I love hearing the low gears kick in, and the car revving up a bit more as it struggles to climb.  Up, up, and up we went.  We saw some of the most beautiful views of the Black Range Mountains.  It was amazing!! 

It was amazing, and then something began to happen.  The sun set quickly and there we were in the middle of this range of mountains, unfamiliar to us, and the further we climbed, we discovered snow/ice.  Now we were driving 10 miles an hour and with every sharp turn, I was just praying and even pushing out very gory thoughts that kept running through my mind.  All I could see was a HUGE black hole on either side of us.  It was so intense. When we got home, I looked up the stats for this mountain.  Parts of it reach 10,200 feet.  Yikes!  Here's a picture I found on-line and as any picture of creation, it doesn't really do it justice. 

That's when the Lord spoke.  He pointed out how relaxed the girls were.  In fact, they were having a great time.  Katie was putting on a puppet show for Sofie, with the Dollar Tree items she purchased, Brie was listening to her iPod while catching glimpses out her window and Sofie was just relaxed as anything.  You see, God wants to drive the vehicle of our life.  He is the safe, cautious driver of this vehicle I call Elizabeth Anne.  He never intended for me to sit up front with Him because the overall views of what would be ahead are way too intense.  It's somewhat scary, frightening, and given the chance I'd want to turn around.  He wants me to relax in the back, take in the views from the vantage point He has given me, and trust Him when we go up, or when we head down, are all the bends in the road that sometimes we take.  When I realized this, I realized how often we try to be His front seat passenger, and how little we enjoy the ride He takes us on.  We want to tell Him to slow down, be careful, watch out, not that way, what about here, can we stop and the list goes on. 

The girls had no idea of all the scary possibilities!!!  They loved our time in the Black Range Mountains, and they would not have settled for the flat surfaces through Highway 10. 

I love Him so much!  I thank Him for taking me on the adventurous drives of life and teaching me as we head through treacherous parts.  And I pray that I am never accustomed to the creation He has made for you and me.