Sixty three days since Dad passed

Lord, You are still so good, even 63 days since the death of Dad.  You have been gracious, patient, calming, firm, and endlessly compassionate.  I haven't written in a while, as the days have been passing me quickly, and honestly I have forgotten to write.

Lord, before I began tonight's post, I reread through the initial postings since Dad died, and it's amazing to see how far You have brought each one of us.  I see how Katie's body healed from the depth of agony, how Mom has seen brighter days (even on the mission trip to Mexico), we are seeing Silver City as truly our home, and the list goes on and on.  I had forgotten about all the initial pain of groaning deeply over Dad's death.  I forgot about the burnt cheeks from salty tears, the abdominal pain, cancar sores and so much more.  You truly have been walking with us, and guess what?  We are actually starting to have some type of routine.

I admitted to Andres today that I spent some time looking in the rear view mirror of life.  I literally looked up all our old things, jobs/house/etc. and entertained the thought of moving backing into life as if we had never left.  Forgive me!  I don't really want to do that, but emotionally at times, I do.  I long for the life we had before all the uprooting, even if it was monotonous.   We have definitly seen why You have placed us here and Your will for our lives is only playing out more and more each day.  Again, being obedient in the simplest of things, turns into huge ministry opportunities.

Since Dad passed, we have hosted three families for dinner, taken a few weekend trips to Arizona and the White Sands, started a girl's Bible Study, and so much more.  This Sunday an entire family of five girls and the parents, are coming to church.  I really hope they make it!!!  I know that You alone can take a nasty situation like this and turn it into a beautiful story.  I pray for each of my family members, sweet loved ones, that are finding their ways to grieve.  I pray they continue to turn to You, and not from You, and they feel Your hope take up residence in their hearts. 

Thank You for all You've done, and will continue to do.  I am learning more and more each day of what it means to serve You, live for You, and die to self.  I really do not want to go through painful experiences, like this one, but I am thankful for the fruit that has come from it.  This is such a side note, but thank you for making my birthday a very special one this year.  I was dreading it because it fell on a Wednesday, which every Wednesday since Dad's passing as been a terrible one. You truly allowed me to celebrate my birth at the eight week mark of Dad's death, and it actually turned out to be wonderful!!  Thank you for that, Lord!

For now, simply because I am so tired, goodnight.  I love You with all of my heart!  Wrap Your everlasting arms around my Dad and tell him that I gave him that one!!!  Tell him that we are doing well, and that I journal from time to time so that I will not forget Your faithfulness in such pain.  Please allow Katie to have one good dream of Dad, as a whole/complete man, and let it be magical like the old times.  It's been painful for her to see him alouf, "gloomy", "distant", and "just not himself". 

Goodnight my Lord,

Beth

Two months this Thursday . . .

“Though the sorrow may last for the night, Your joy comes in the morning.”

This is truly the promise that I have to rely on from time to time.  I seem to do oh so well, and then a night comes like last night, and my pillow finds itself wet once more with salty tears.  I get tired of crying and being so sensitive.  I told Andres last night that my heart feels like a fresh wound.  The bleeding, and extreme pain is gone, but the sting of the fresh skin hurts when it gets rubbed the wrong way.  Do you know what I’m talking about?  The kind of fresh wound that has new skin exposed and you have to wear pants because it’s still cold outside, so every time you move your legs, it just scraps that new skin and stings once more.  It’s not until we put on a fresh BAND-AID that we can bare the movement against our wound. That’s exactly how I feel!!  Yesterday, my BAND-AID was wearing off, and almost every move I made, it was rubbing against it and causing unwanted/unexpected tears to just fall.  I feel so bad for the new people around me.  They don’t know me any other way!

Lord, I just have to believe in You because if I don’t trust that You still have me in Your plan, I have no reason to carry on with my faith.  I have no reason to encourage others about their pain and wounds and I certainly have no reason to stay close to You.  I know that You are doing something new, but it hurts so bad, and honestly at times I feel hurt by You.  I just feel like You may be watching from a distance from time to time, and all I really want is to feel your ever present presence!!!!!  I need You, Lord, I need You and my family does too.  We CANNOT function in the day-to-day plans without You.  Please continue to hear the cry of our hearts, even if our pain is not expressed through tears, see whatever action of pain we have and respond!!!  And, Lord, You have!!!  You have already responded, so many times!!  You did this morning and I appreciate it so much.  I could feel your mercies, oh so new mercies. 

May this day be given to You, through substituting the seventh grade class at La Plata.  May Your presence abound, through and around me and the class that I am in today.  Let them feel something new, and question down the road what that was!

With much affection,

 

Beth