One year since last post . . .

It's been a long time since I have punched away at the keys of this ol' keyboard.  Almost one year, to be exact, and the changes that have occurred in that time are inexplicable.  Where to start, which event to talk about, emotion felt, or victory experienced is beyond me 'bout I start with where we are today? 

Brianne is almost 16 years old, Katherine is about to turn 10, and Sofia Margaret is all of 7 years-old.  My age, and that of my best friend, are pointless.  It would be more important to point out our state-of-mind.  Andres is youthful once more, and as he puts it, has become reacquainted with an ol' friend (his mountain bike), and I am still continuing to know the Lord's plan for me in this very moment.  I wish I was a quick learner, and a better student at living in the moment, but it's hard. I am happy here, but the joy is lacking.  It should not be lacking, rather overflowing with absolute gratitude for where He has placed us.

I have a burnt candle paper, that was used during the midnight candle mass at the monastery behind our home, that is neatly framed.  It serves as a reminder to let 2013 burn with all it's sad, harsh memories of pain, and to laugh at the days ahead in 2014.  After all, isn't that what the Proverbs 31 Woman did in the pages of scripture?  I haven't laughed at my days this year, but I have felt hope and a renewed since of the journey ahead.  I understand that my Dad will not be apart of that journey, and forgiveness must be his on this side of heaven.  In heaven, he is not only forgiven, but righteous and pure in every sense of the word.  The forgiveness to grant, is for my soul on this side, so that I will not be found to blame.  I truly feel forgiveness, but I absolutely feel sadness at times.  I am learning to forgive, and give freedom to go.  Once more, he is free, but the freedom is for me to receive. 

Uprooted, without a plan, in the sways of the wind that is ever-changing, and at the full mercy of the Father's hands is where I am.  It's clear to see where His backwards approach to this earthly system is:  what is up is down, and what is down is up.  Here, in my flesh, I feel anything but functional, but in Him, I am perfectly woven into His grip and He is delighted.  He is thankful for my heart of putty, and finds me ripe for the picking because I do not have a will of where I need to be, rather where does He want me.  It's just hard to be in this place at times.  This place, meaning the tilled up soil of my uprooted heart.  I am longing for a home.  A home to nestle, settle, and nest in.  A plan that has me on course for a few years, without change.  Wait...that's heaven. 

Since my last posting, back in April of 2013, we had my mom live with us for a couple of months, family feuds, went through several procedures, two surgeries, healing for six weeks, a runaway child, and a beloved family pet that was clutched into the claws of an owl.  Breathe, attack, breathe, attack, breathe.......more like swimming in an ocean of waves. 

This year has brought a wind of change.  A change of spiritual journey and what it means to be a disciple, in lieu of a Christian.  To be a God girl, and not a church girl.  To love, whether they love me or not.  It has also brought change to mom in her work, living spaces, future possibilities, future residential living in another part of the United States, my career and so much more.  The changes are good, but shifting.  Change is on the horizon, and what that looks like, I have no idea!

Friends have adopted, friends are now fostering, friends have drifted in/out of our lives, our family has grown in it's bond, minds are molding, hearts are mending, bodies are growing.  The church is no longer a place to receive/give services, rather a place to serve.  The attendance means nothing, the music is just a bonus, and the messages are a building upon of what has already been read throughout the week.  The church is us, and not us in church.  Dog taken, dog adopted, from Annabel Lynn to Molly Anne.  From Literacy Link, to prayers of a leadership role.  Contentment to commitment and the commitment to contentment.  Twenty-four hour escapes to another city for swimming, laughing, and discovering.  Arizona out, New Mexico maybe, the deep south a yes.  Management to engineering, to the unknown. 


Still God is good!

Three months and some lessons along the way...

If anyone could read this post tonight, it would be great if it was someone that has experienced a deep hurt that seems impossible to carry.  The kind of hurt that if you think too long about the details, then surely you would find yourself in a dark place.  The kind of hurt that sneaks up and stirs up uncontrollable emotions and you find yourself wiping your cheeks once more.  I would love for this kind of hurting reader to be with me tonight, reading the words that fall from my fingers to the keyboard, because it brings me comfort to know that not only are you going through this kind of hurt, but also to encourage you that it will be okay.  We will be okay.  And not only did I walk around before thinking that I had experienced hurt, but I really didn't know that the level of pain that would be coming would only make my former pain look so bearable. 

The girls and I have spent the past four days in Arizona, with Mom/Mimi and it has been so hard.  I asked Mom this morning, while we were sitting out back with our cup-of-coffee why it seems that the overwhelming sense of loss is greater now, then the first few weeks?!?  I thought that as time went on, the sting would go away, and actually the sting does, but the mental thoughts are relentless.  It's a lurking emotional disaster waiting to happen, when all you really want to do is see the brighter tomorrow. I prayed on the way home today, that the Lord would bring control over my thoughts and allow me to see the day for what it is TODAY, and not what it WAS.  I want to touch and experience my moments for what they are in real time.  Everything I see, hear, experience right now has a reminder of Dad all over it, and it's making it hard.  Not that I want to "move on" from knowing Dad and having him apart of my day, but I want to experience what God has in store for me and my family as it relates to today.  The yesterday brings pain right now, not joy. 

If you are reading this, and honestly, it's probably my Mom or Holly reading, and I may think my Mom has forgotten about this blog, so I'm pretty sure it's just Holly.  But Holly, if you or someone else is reading this, I want you to know that no matter what kind of pain our Lord is going to permit to come your way, He will be faithful to walk oh so closely to you, especially in the beginning, and the experience will leave you less fearful of future pain, rather a deeper understanding that this is what it means to live as Christ.  I have never felt more like Christ, and still pales in comparison, than when I heard Dad's secretary cry out "He's gone."  When I heard those words falling out of the phone from Arizona to New Mexico, I felt piercing pain.  The kind of pain that leaves you on the floor, and even then, the pain was no greater than what my poor mother felt.  A widow at 54 to such a tragic loss, has been more than she can bare, just like the cross Jesus was trying to carry as He was suffering on the way to the hill where He would be crucified.  I know Rick Warren's family is feeling the same kind of pain, as they walk through the valley of suicide. 

Though the valley is barren feeling, and lonely (especially for mom), our hope in Christ Jesus leads us to believe that the valley is only connecting two mountain tops.  To get from one mountain top of life to the next, one must go through the valley.  For a journey without the valley, is no journey at all.  I know His presence will only be that much stronger, and apparent through this kind of journey.  I see why Paul says to consider it pure joy to suffer, for in our suffering our faith is made genuine. 

Lord, we are putting our full trust in You that You have not simply "called" us to go through such a loss for our "good", rather You have a plan for this type of pain.  Please do not let us merely have a story to tell our children and grandchildren of how we experienced loss and Your faithfulness, rather let ministries arise from these ashes to Your full glory!!!  Let us not return to ordinary life, but bring us to a deeper faith in You and a trust that goes beyond circumstances!!  Father, I know You hold the very breath I breathe this very moment, and I pray that I breathe in Your truths, and exhale Your goodness to those around me.  Inhale truth, exhale blessings!  Inhale truth, exhale hope!  Inhale truth, exhale light!  Inhale truth, exhale encouragement!  Inhale truth, exhale life!

May You be praised, and grant us a feeling of Your very presence!  Make Your presence in my life all that I need, and not wishing for a human presence to replace You!  I love Dad, but he cannot be what I need!  I need You!

With love,

Beth

Sixty three days since Dad passed

Lord, You are still so good, even 63 days since the death of Dad.  You have been gracious, patient, calming, firm, and endlessly compassionate.  I haven't written in a while, as the days have been passing me quickly, and honestly I have forgotten to write.

Lord, before I began tonight's post, I reread through the initial postings since Dad died, and it's amazing to see how far You have brought each one of us.  I see how Katie's body healed from the depth of agony, how Mom has seen brighter days (even on the mission trip to Mexico), we are seeing Silver City as truly our home, and the list goes on and on.  I had forgotten about all the initial pain of groaning deeply over Dad's death.  I forgot about the burnt cheeks from salty tears, the abdominal pain, cancar sores and so much more.  You truly have been walking with us, and guess what?  We are actually starting to have some type of routine.

I admitted to Andres today that I spent some time looking in the rear view mirror of life.  I literally looked up all our old things, jobs/house/etc. and entertained the thought of moving backing into life as if we had never left.  Forgive me!  I don't really want to do that, but emotionally at times, I do.  I long for the life we had before all the uprooting, even if it was monotonous.   We have definitly seen why You have placed us here and Your will for our lives is only playing out more and more each day.  Again, being obedient in the simplest of things, turns into huge ministry opportunities.

Since Dad passed, we have hosted three families for dinner, taken a few weekend trips to Arizona and the White Sands, started a girl's Bible Study, and so much more.  This Sunday an entire family of five girls and the parents, are coming to church.  I really hope they make it!!!  I know that You alone can take a nasty situation like this and turn it into a beautiful story.  I pray for each of my family members, sweet loved ones, that are finding their ways to grieve.  I pray they continue to turn to You, and not from You, and they feel Your hope take up residence in their hearts. 

Thank You for all You've done, and will continue to do.  I am learning more and more each day of what it means to serve You, live for You, and die to self.  I really do not want to go through painful experiences, like this one, but I am thankful for the fruit that has come from it.  This is such a side note, but thank you for making my birthday a very special one this year.  I was dreading it because it fell on a Wednesday, which every Wednesday since Dad's passing as been a terrible one. You truly allowed me to celebrate my birth at the eight week mark of Dad's death, and it actually turned out to be wonderful!!  Thank you for that, Lord!

For now, simply because I am so tired, goodnight.  I love You with all of my heart!  Wrap Your everlasting arms around my Dad and tell him that I gave him that one!!!  Tell him that we are doing well, and that I journal from time to time so that I will not forget Your faithfulness in such pain.  Please allow Katie to have one good dream of Dad, as a whole/complete man, and let it be magical like the old times.  It's been painful for her to see him alouf, "gloomy", "distant", and "just not himself". 

Goodnight my Lord,

Beth

Two months this Thursday . . .

“Though the sorrow may last for the night, Your joy comes in the morning.”

This is truly the promise that I have to rely on from time to time.  I seem to do oh so well, and then a night comes like last night, and my pillow finds itself wet once more with salty tears.  I get tired of crying and being so sensitive.  I told Andres last night that my heart feels like a fresh wound.  The bleeding, and extreme pain is gone, but the sting of the fresh skin hurts when it gets rubbed the wrong way.  Do you know what I’m talking about?  The kind of fresh wound that has new skin exposed and you have to wear pants because it’s still cold outside, so every time you move your legs, it just scraps that new skin and stings once more.  It’s not until we put on a fresh BAND-AID that we can bare the movement against our wound. That’s exactly how I feel!!  Yesterday, my BAND-AID was wearing off, and almost every move I made, it was rubbing against it and causing unwanted/unexpected tears to just fall.  I feel so bad for the new people around me.  They don’t know me any other way!

Lord, I just have to believe in You because if I don’t trust that You still have me in Your plan, I have no reason to carry on with my faith.  I have no reason to encourage others about their pain and wounds and I certainly have no reason to stay close to You.  I know that You are doing something new, but it hurts so bad, and honestly at times I feel hurt by You.  I just feel like You may be watching from a distance from time to time, and all I really want is to feel your ever present presence!!!!!  I need You, Lord, I need You and my family does too.  We CANNOT function in the day-to-day plans without You.  Please continue to hear the cry of our hearts, even if our pain is not expressed through tears, see whatever action of pain we have and respond!!!  And, Lord, You have!!!  You have already responded, so many times!!  You did this morning and I appreciate it so much.  I could feel your mercies, oh so new mercies. 

May this day be given to You, through substituting the seventh grade class at La Plata.  May Your presence abound, through and around me and the class that I am in today.  Let them feel something new, and question down the road what that was!

With much affection,

 

Beth

Same day....another story of God's surprises

So, that was Josh’s story of how God touched him on his first Sunday back.  Here’s mine.  For five years, I have been desperately trying to get to a potter’s wheel so I could quietly watch a potter form a vessel from a lump of clay.  My favorite imagery from the Bible is where God is our potter and we are His clay and when we yield to His hand, He can do mighty things.  This message has spoken to me at different seasons of my life, and since the death of Dad, I feel as if I’m being remolded in some new way yet I couldn’t put my finger on what process of creating the pottery am I in…………UNTIL Sunday! 

Our new church home, which we just joined on Sunday, had a special speaker visiting and guess what?!?!?  Guess what was sitting right there on the stage as we entered into service?  A POTTER’S WHEEL!!!! And furthermore, guess what our guest speaker was?  A Pastor and Potter.  How appropriate, don’t you think?  So, for one hour, I got to join in with our new congregation, as we watched this potter form a new vessel from a thick, moist lump of clay.  He talked ever so assuredly how this whole process of creating a new vessel is like our relationship with Christ.  And guess what part of the creating my family is in right now?  The furnace!  We are being fired up so that the Lord can use us for many purposes, far greater than we could ever imagine, but to be useful, we have to be placed into the furnace.  We feel at times the Potter has forgotten about us or that the temperature is just too hot for our vessel, but the potter knows His purposes for us and what temperature to allow so that it can be complete.  We are not broken pieces of a clay pot that needs to be swept up and redone, rather in the process of being used!

 

 

So, I wait, along with my mom, brothers, husband, sisters, children, and friends as the Potter does His thing.  I will eagerly wait for Him to open the door to the other end of the furnace and take me out and use me for His glory. 

Here is a picture of the pitcher I bought from Brother Dave so that I never forget this past Sunday.  It’s the day I’ve been longing (visually seeing a potter at the wheel) for many years, and now the Lord sends it to me, right in my church home, while we’re in the furnace.  Is He not so tender in how He surprises us with His great gifts?!?  I was dreading going to church in fear of uncontrollable tears (seems to happen a lot lately), but all along the Lord was just waiting with bated breath for me to see my surprise.  He couldn’t wait for me to hurry through the snow, get the girls situated and take my seat.  Thank you Jesus for showing us LOVE as it means to us.  Once again, so personal. 

One month and a week. . .

Family and friends, I have to share a fingerprint from God that was discovered yesterday morning during church, in East Texas.  If you remember, I posted last week that I woke up to Katie’s reading of Jonah 4, and her revelation of the vine and how she must tend to it and ask God not how He can grant her desires, rather how she can serve Him.  Well, yesterday was my brother’s and my first Sunday back to church since our Dad passed away five weeks ago.  Little did we both know that we were both dreading the possible emotions that would come by attending our church homes and how we both had to be obedient in attending yesterday.  Josh was dreading the questions that everyone had about Dad’s passing, and I was dreading a possible crying session in the midst of service.  We both went, and we both returned with HUGE stories.  I will share Joshua’s first and then later this afternoon I will share my story.

(Josh, Katie, and Sofie in Tyler of 2007 before a lake trip)

 

Josh arrived in Sunday School and the teacher said, “Today, we will be looking at Jonah, chapter 4.”  Enough said!!!  Need I say more about the fingerprint and miracle!  When was the last time you walked into SS class and it’s specifically over Jonah 4?  Here Katie had her revelation last Thursday, and then her uncle would be greeted with the same message from his chair in SS class.  He was blown away, even before they began to read the passage.  Here, his little niece encouraged him last week with her words and truths, and then the dreaded Sunday comes and because he follows in obedience, he is welcomed (from the Lord) with the very same passage.  He could not believe it and it showed him that our Heavenly Father knows the pains we face, but in those moments He surprises and refreshes our spirits in a very personal way. 

Josh and Katie, uncle and niece, brother and sister-in-Christ, talked about this unique experience on the phone last night for quite some time.  It was a meeting of the minds, and spirits that go beyond age!  Thank you Lord for being consistent in the message and for creating a full circle through Your Word.  From Jonah, to Katie, to Josh, You make your words relevant and personal throughout all generations.

If you read Jonah 4:1-11, you will see why it’s such a powerful message during such a time as this. 

One month....three days

Good late night to you Lord!  It's 11:33 p.m. and the house sits still.  It's so quiet and I wish there  was a better time for me to journal with you.  I wish I could rise before dawn, and spend time with the words You breathed onto Life's Manuscript, talk with You and even write to You.  Nighttime comes, and it just seems to suit me better.  Everyone is quiet, resting, which brings a sense of rest to me as well, and the thoughts of the day can just flow onto the keyboard before I begin to close my eyes.  I guess it becomes more of reflection at this time of day, rather than anticipation!  Although, You know that I do anticipate each day.

So, Lord, where are we?  You and I, on this new journey?  Well, I can say that You freed us to spend time as a family today amongst the amazing rock formations at the City of Rocks in NM.  Though we did not sit on the pews of our new church home this morning, we sat on the rocks that You created way before our time and just enjoyed Your creation.  According to Your Word:

Luke 19:40

Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

⁴⁰ He answered, “I tell you, if they were to keep silent, the stones would cry out!”

Lord, the very rocks that we walked upon, layed out on, and fellowshiped on, will cry out Your name if we keep silent!  I cannot begin to fathom the boulders that were layered upon layer, and then resting upon solid stone, crying out Your name because your children have gone dormant.  Absolute stone, cold rocks releasing sounds to praise Your Holy name.  What a thought too grandiose for me to even comprehend!  I pray Lord that I will not stay silent when it comes to who You are, nor what You are!

You know, I wish I would've remembered this scripture when we were out there today so that I could've shared it with Andres and the girls.  I will have to share this with them in the morning.  I also thank you for the visual of the power of prayer.  Today, the passenger window would not roll up, and I told Andres that the past two times this happened to me, I had to pray and plea with You to please allow the window to roll back up.  He was getting so frustrated, and then Katie said, "Dad, mom told you how to handle the problem.  Pray!"  Well, in a half-hearted way, he begin to ask you out loud to roll up the window and then it happened......the answer to prayer!  The window returned to it's upright position and we all got a first-hand reminder of the power of prayer, even over the smallest of things.  So, thank You!

Well, we are one month, and three days since Dad's passing and I have to say that it has been getting easier.  I hate that guilt comes with the feelings of freedom, but I also have to remind myself that guilt is NOT of You.  Conviction comes from You, and there is not conviction in allowing You to mend our broken hearts to have the power to live in the ever present moments of the day.  So, I will remember that when I find myself feeling guilty over enjoying life's pleasures, like today's trip to see the rocks, that the enjoyment that I feel is actually an answer to prayer!  It's growth, not regression or a problem.  It's maturity in knowing that I have such a short time to live the rest of my life, so to waste it moment by moment with sadness, is actually less pleasing to You. 

I love You so much and I know that You will continue to take our days and make them count on an eternity sized scale.  I want to continue on with life, but remembering the scar of pain that was left, so that I don't forget the pain others feel as they walk through their journey.  I want to be an example to the girls, and yet, I've been finding through this grieving process that they are more of an example to us on how to grieve.  Their resilience seems to represent the childlike faith You beckon us to have.  If they are to be my examples, then I should find laughter once more in baking white cakes, topped with pink-lemonade frosting.  Or spotting deer and acting like it's the first time.  I need to remember to cry when I feel like crying, but once it's out, then return to my favorite cooking show for new ideas to feed my family.  Life has so many treats along the way, and I don't want to settle for a basket-full of rotting food.  You have so much more in store for us!  Use us Lord beyond such a tragedy and let us be a blessing to those around us!

With so much anticipation of tomorrow and gratitude in my heart for today,

Beth

P.S. I'll upload pictures of today's outing tomorrow, but for now, here's a picture of Mom and I from this past week.  Thank you Jesus for giving us special Mom/Daughter moments through all of this.  I love her so much and though she reminds me over and over again that I brought her life when I was born, I KNOW that she brought me life by choosing life.  So many around her wanted something different because she was such a young mom, but she knew in her heart that You wove a gift into her womb (and that was before she knew You even).  Also, You allowed Katie to pick up her love of rocks once more.  She attended her first field trip with Andres.  This was the field trip that Papa was supposed to go on, but her Dad stepped in for him.  They had a wonderful time and came home with more stories than time to share!  And, while they were out, Brie and Sofie got to hang out and make some memories as sisters.  There is such an age gap between them, that these kinds of days are good for them.  Time is ever-passing!