Wounded Warrior. . . You and I

Wounded Warrior Project t-shirts surround us, and deep respect for those who have gone into battle.  At times they return with deep scars, both physically and emotionally, and some without limbs.  Whatever the scar, they are our heroes.  They are victorious. 

Around 12:30 a.m. this morning, I was woken to the thought that I am a victor!  I am victorious, and you are too.  We have scars, some deeper than others, and we return from the battles of life as veterans of spiritual war.  We have fought the battles, and though we return with marks that are visible, and some that are hidden to those around us, we can claim victory simply because we are still alive.  And even if our battles took us to death, we are still victorious because we are home.  

I guess the message, at 1:50 a.m. is this.  Why do we try to hide the scars of our heart?  Aren't the scars of our heart an indicator of a previous pain/hurt  has been healed?  Should we not be proud of the great works He has done in our life, whether in the green pastures of peace or in the trenches of pain?  Doesn't this testify to His greatness more than an unscathed heart?  

Scars of faded dreams, failures, divorce, broken relationships, suicide, drug abuse, alcoholism, anger, bitterness, promiscuity, abandonment, rejection, abuse, jealousy, and every other scar that the Father would go to the cross for.  He already won the battle, so that we can too.  Share our scar stories with others, so they can share theirs too.  When we can share, we find victory and others will too.

Intimidated by a long stretch. . .

It's not that complicated.  You know?  The time when the Lord beckons you to a deeper place with Him.  Sure.  It looks different than years in past, but that's the point.  To reach higher.  Grow deeper.  Strengthen. Gain insight. 

How can this happen on the road that runs straight endlessly?  Besides, what enjoyment would you have if this life ran in a straight line, for as far as the eye can see?  No twists and turns.  No ups, nor downs.  No detours, scenic routes, mountain top views, valley bypasses.  Just straight into the horizon, and once you reach the "end", there is only hundreds of more straight miles of road stretched across the plains of life.  

Why is it complicated when He calls us?  I have been struggling.  God is calling me to sit at His table and partake in a fully cooked meal.  No more bottles.  Oatmeal is good, but not for this stage.  Baby carrots were fun, and green beans are yumm, but not when I am ready for the meat of His word.  I am so intimidated.  

Inhale and Exhale Mustard Seeds

Father,

You are beginning a new thing in my life right now.  So many things going on all around me, and I don’t feel like I can even stop to fully inhale and exhale.  To breathe in deeply, feels like I will inhale the true pain and confusion around me, as to almost accept the circumstances.  So, I breathe shallow, and yet so hopeful that You will see me through this one more time.  But, I realize that without a full inhale, can never come the exhale.  The exhale brings about another breath, which allows for life.  Father, help me inhale all that is around me.  The tears from disappointment, the pounding of my heart of anxiousness, and even disappointments.  Help me not to be afraid to breathe deeply, so that I may exhale You and receive life.  Help me not suffocate my spirit, into thinking that I can merely exist until You call me home.  Merely existing is not what you have designed me for.  You have provided this shell and soul with so many life giving attributes, and to merely walk around until You stop my inhale/exhale motion, is death in motion. 

The size of a mustard seed

 Father, I yet to understand all that You have been doing over the past two years, and honestly, I have not fully laid down my anxious heart as to what lies ahead, but I do have a portion of hope.  And Jesus said, "If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will tell this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you. (Matthew 17:20 HCSB) Here is the size of a mustard seed that will produce a thunderous movement in creation, if I only believe.  So, Lord with at least this amount of faith, I come to You.  Expecting. Hoping. Desiring for so much more than I could even pray for.  

The Last Word. . . 19 Months Later

Dad and Sofia Margaret.  He loved the granddaughters.  And.....they adored their Papa.

Dad and Katie during our visit to Arizona.  He surprised us, and then took us on an adventure

Pain hits. Whether we are ready or not.Found this devotional 19 months later, in my "inbox" in an old e-mail account, from my Dad the night he committed suicide. I did not know he sent this to my mother and I,   until August 31, 2014. How do you get past such pain and hurt, and then to only turn around to more pain and hurt?  You don't.  The Lord does. Seeking His face, in the details that grip our hearts.  Trusting Him with that which we face in the moment.  Letting go, so He can do something new.  So, I "publish" as to capture the profound message that my Dad took with him.  Sent to me, his daughter, at 8:48 p.m., moments before he would go to meet the Lord.  Father, heal our broken hearts, tender places, and moments of grieving. Mend, massage, and provide new memories. 

"Little" Joshs' graduation from the Air Force.  San Antonio, Texas.

Day 4 of 21....beaches to consider

Good morning Lord,

Going into the second week of consistent running, and it feels great.  Someone said a few weeks ago, and I wish I could remember where, that we ought to be "healthy" not for a number (for that will change all the time), not for a size (because these change based on the brand of clothing), not for an event (that's a one time thing), nor for a swim suit for vacation (as it just never happens in time).  Rather, choosing healthy options to simply bring Him glory, to be available for whatever He calls us to, or just being alive fully in our bodies.  So, with that, I put on my running shoes and have been waking up (and returning to bed when I get home) at 4:45, having Andres drop me off at the McDonald's down the street, and running back with my 16 year-old daughter.  

It feels amazing!  The wind, the sounds, the rhythm of our feet pounding the pavement as we press on.  Pressing on with a different goal in mind.........life!!  Not the goal of numbers, sizes, for what the world wants to see, but to simply breathe deeper and ponder the things of Him while we run.  I must put a statement at this point.  We are not even running for the perfect time, nor for the admirable distance.  We just run, and run, and run.  We keep personal stats, never to be compared and not even "shared" on Facebook.  We just check our own.

Day 3 of Finding Spiritual Whitespace mentioned something that has me in a blanket of awe.  It's simple in thought, but complex in creation.  Here is an exert:

"With every turning wave, God slowly pushes grains of sand onto the shore. For countless number of moonlit turns, God took the time to sweep soft land, so that you and I can walk barefoot. . ."

It is beyond my comprehension to think He would purposefully softened the land that slides up to the edges of the water, so that we could feel the soothing sand particles on our feet, or run into the ocean waters with the free spirit of a child, maybe even find this place as a solid time out from the world.  To think of all the ways we enjoy the ocean waters and soft sand, and how disappointing it is when we drive along a shoreline that does not offer a friendly place to walk into the cold tides, has never crossed my mind.  I simply saw it as a day of creation, when our Lord split the dry land and water.  

Thank you Lord for providing a place to rest, find seashells, listen to the evening tides, run with our children, build castles only to be dreamed of in fairy tales, read a good book, laugh with our spouse, or even bury our spouse, and to simply experience a reprieve from the every day workings of life.  Your purposes for creation, were not to simply provide food and shelter, but REST!  I do thank you for the food of the sea, and the protection of shaded trees on land, but I am learning to love, accept, and receive REST.  Rest, even when I am going.  

Day 2 of 21

Day 2 of 21:

Hmmm......a bit hard to understand, and yet a little too on target.  A few exerts from faithbarista.com, Day 2 challenge.

rest is one of only three ambitions that God explicitly calls out in the Bible. The other two are preaching the gospel and pleasing God. (Rom15:20, 2Cor5:9)

It’s easier to be functional rather than soft and tender.

We wouldn’t want to let anyone down.

Maybe we’re afraid if we took time out for quiet rest, soothing moments, we might realize how much we’ve put our hearts to the side.

The prompting question(s) for today are:

How do like to enjoy a quiet moment?  

With a time schedule that is not dictated.  Knowing that I have a time schedule on the quiet moments, create a feeling of anxiousness.  In an odd kind of way, I end up counting down the quiet moment time, when I know it will end at a specific time.  If I am free to "take my time", then I can relax and receive what the Lord may have for me, and it usually doesn't take that long.  Freedom to rest!

What encourages or discourages you from enjoying a quiet moment?

Encouraged quiet moments come with a freedom to enjoy the moment however I may feel at the time.  Sometimes it is through a quiet drive through God's creation, other times it is sitting quietly in a coffee shop.  

Discouraging quiet moments are always filled with expectations of what I need/should do during the quiet moment and if there is a definite time schedule to make it come to an end. 

What He says . . .

• Matthew 11:28-30

  "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
  
  

• Revelation 6:11

  Then each of them was given a white robe, and they were told to wait a little longer, until the number of their fellow servants and brothers who were to be killed as they had been was completed.

• Genesis 2:2-3

  By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work.  And God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.
  
  

• Exodus 20:8-10

  "Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy.  Six days you shall labor and do all your work,  but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your manservant or maidservant, nor your animals, nor the alien within your gates.
  
  

• Isaiah 14:3-4

  On the day the LORD gives you relief from suffering and turmoil and cruel bondage,  you will take up this taunt against the king of Babylon: How the oppressor has come to an end! How his fury has ended!
  
  

• Psalm 55:6

  I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest--
  
  

• 2 Corinthians 2:13-14

  I still had no peace of mind, because I did not find my brother Titus there. So I said good-by to them and went on to Macedonia.  But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him.
  
  

• Mark 6:31

  Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest."
  
  

• Psalm 127:2

  In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat-- for he grants sleep to those he loves.
  
  

• Mark 2:27

  Then he said to them, "The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.
  
  

• Mark 6:32

  So they went away by themselves in a boat to a solitary place.
  
  

• Psalm 4:8

  I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.
  
  

• Exodus 23:12

  "Six days do your work, but on the seventh day do not work, so that your ox and your donkey may rest and the slave born in your household, and the alien as well, may be refreshed.
  
  

• Exodus 33:14

  The LORD replied, "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest."
  
  

• Isaiah 26:3

  You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.
  
  

• Isaiah 57:1-2

  The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil.  Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.
  
  

• Psalm 23:1-6

  The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.  He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters,  he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.  Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me  You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.  Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
  
  

• Psalm 37:7

  Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.
  
  

• Hebrews 4:9-11

  There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God;  for anyone who enters God's rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his.  Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall by following their example of disobedience.
  
  

• John 16:33

  "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
  
  

• Philippians 4:6-7

  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
  
  

Whitespace: Day 1 of 21 Challenge

From the book:

Finding Spiritual Whitespace: Bonnie Gray

comes day 1 of a 21 day challenge to find the spiritual whitespace we all long for, and need.  It starts with the story of you and I.  The day we were born, and allowing the Lord to silence us in a moment of reflective purity of where we have been, where we are today, and where He desperately wants to take us (if we allow Him too).  

I, much like the author of this book, have felt compelled many times to write out the story of my journey.  Not for profit nor gain, but simply as a documented journal of who God has been in my life, and for the eyes of my daughters.  For them to know and trust that the same Lord who has captured my heart, redeemed it, and continues to save it, will do the very same for them.  After all, they are His daughters too.  Their salvation is sealed, and so. . . .I trust that no matter what comes their way, the Lord will capture it into their life's story...............for His perfected glory!  Whether it be sin, or life's way of drafting them into trials, I pray they can count it all joy.  And so, I begin the journey to learn how to count it pure joy.........as their forerunner.  

Here is a question posed on Day 1:

How has Jesus been drawing you to rest with Him — to confide in Him as friend to friend?

This will not take long to draft out a response.  Since the uprooting (twice), death via suicide of a dearly loved step-father, illness, divided family over death, loss of a family pet (seems menial, but not when it is compounded), a prodigal child, and the caring for of family, I can assure anyone around me that Jesus has been demanding my rest.  I have found it hard to find at times, and even difficult to do when I receive periods of time to rest.  Right when rest is granted, I question it.  When rest is bestowed upon me, I feel guilt.  Rest becomes a remedy to physical problems, I rush it. And the list goes on.  

Why has it been hard to find hearty rest?  Not a rest that resembles a brothy attempt to restore my fragmented heart, much like chicken noodle soup, rather a hearty reality that brings nourishment to my soul (like beef stew)?!?  That's right, hearty not brothy.  So, how do I get there?  I start to retrain my thinking and even habits that are keeping me away from what God is trying to gift me with.  After saving this draft, and doing some research on what God says about rest, I will return with His answer and post.  But, what a thought.  To think that He is granting, beckoning, and even providing rest for my weary heart, and I simply am not wired at this point to receive.  

Father, as I begin on an earthly attempt, with a sister-in-Christ (the author), to find that spiritual whitespace of my heart, please bring to light why it has been so difficult.  Shine Your light on the barriers to rest, and help me in tearing those down: one by one.  Help me receive all the eternal blessings you intend for me to receive, and do not let the enemy come between me and those gifts.  Like a parent who purposefully looks for a gift for their child, and would be devastated if that gift was ripped from their child's hand, so Your heart breaks when we are robbed of our heavenly blessings.

A Sister's Prayer

There are many moments in  life that bring forth emotions, of one sort or another.  Perhaps the emotion is of an elation that stretches every muscle in your smile.  But . . .maybe . . .it's the kind of emotion that makes every tear drop gland work without a break.  That kind of emotion that takes you to the Father's heart, and hands.  The kind of hurt that bursts forth without a warning, and it cuts deep to the core.

Lord, please mend these holes in my heart.  Mend, and heal the deep aching in my heart where relationships are void.  Mend and heal those spots, whether my brothers come near or not.  I cannot put the life in which You have created for our family on hold, in the hope of tomorrow.  What is before me today, is the very truth I have to grasp, and then pray the tomorrow into Your hands.  I have no idea how long, or how deep this gaping hole will continue to grow.  Oh, how it hurts!!  I ache for my holes, the holes of my children, my husband, my mother (their mother), and the very holes that are burning flames of anger into their hearts.  Heal every one of us.  Complete Your good will and purpose for every one of our lives, and return each one of us to Your heart.  Give me an acceptance of the situation, until You do something different.

Lord, where there be sin in my life, clean it.  Where there is pain, heal it.  Bind up the wounds of this weary spirit, and spring forth the fountain of hope and joy.  Joy, and peace, which brings unity!  Please allow me to live this out, with full evidence for my children to see as a living example of what hope waits for.  Lord, bring glory to Your good name, and let those around us see ashes recreate into something inexplicable.  Let those around us not question who You are, but see who You are, simply by the works of Your hands.  Let them see a 21 Century miracle before their very eyes.  Let them find a divided family, turn united.  A waywardly son, return. Tears, turned to laughter.  Slumped shoulders of sorrow, turned upright and bold in witness.  Let them see You.

Tonight, I go to bed with a heavy heart, and Lord, I pray that You collect every tear of pain and return it to the earth of my heart as a promise of healing.  Let the supernatural, do something to this natural body.  Bring my brothers and I back into fellowship, and do not let one more week pass before contact has been made.

Being a "guest"

Good morning Lord,

It's  4:27 a.m., and the day has started early this Sunday morning.  It's so exciting to think we are going to visit a Sunday School class for the first time in over a year and a half, and for some reason I am a bit nervous too.  I always get these jitters before meeting a new group of people, and it's always at the church we are visiting more than anywhere else.  Not sure why, but I think it's because those you meet at church are the very core of you will get to know in a way like no other group of people.  We journey together, with those we fellowship with.  We share parts of our hearts with those we attend church with, like none other.  They watch the highlights of our lives unfold, and the heartbroken cuts of the valleys.  They see us lift our hands in absolute adoration of who You are, Lord, and kneel at the alter in complete surrender.

Father, I ask that you help us plug into our new church home of First Baptist Woodstock.  Help us not fade into the crowd of anonymity, rather become the hands and feet of what You are doing.  Help us form relationships that we can help grow, watch grow, and grow with.  Do the same for Brianne, Katie, and Sofie. I pray for an explosion in their faith, girlfriend relationships abound, and a sense of community who are striving to become more like You.

I can hardly wait to get together with a group of ladies, for a Bible Study or a simple cup-of-coffee.  To learn about their journey, share parts of mine, and continue on with the new days ahead.  Thank you for the mountain bike ministry for Andres.  It seems that he has found a niche of guys to hang out with, ride the trails with, and to have some familiar faces in a crowd of many.

Speaking of Andres, thank you that we've been able to stay connected through the transition of New Mexico to Georgia.  It was tough the first couple of weeks, after the older two girls and I arrived.  Thank you for helping us recognize the need for date night once-a-week, and for giving one another grace for the other as we quickly tried to adjust.  I know it's not easy living with a parent, but Lord, You are being so gracious to us through this process.  Help us not be a burden to mom, rather a blessing.  Help us make special memories during this time.  Thank you for narrowing the gap of the house search, and for allowing us to move forward with Providence Walk Way.  I cannot think of a better name for a street for us to live on.

When we looked up the actual meaning of Providence, it shouldn't have come to no surprise that it meant "God's protection and preparation for the future eventualities."  WOW!!  Father, it's a return to Your message to me through this move of "Celebrate."  I know we have some things to take care of until we can actually sign on the bottom line for this particular house, and I pray that You walk us through every step.  Thank you for a spec home that is being finished out to our liking, and put on hold for us.  We pray for every single home owner, of the houses we have looked at.  We pray for the sell of their house, for their transitions, and for the new homeowners who will reside on their properties.  Lord, we specifically pray for the blue house owners, and the white house owners.  And, of course, if You want to do something still with one of these properties, let that be known to us as well.

Lord, this is Your day, as it is EVERY day.  I give you June 22nd, and pray that we bring You glory through our praise and worship, and fellowship.  Open our eyes, and ears to your Word.  Let us hide it deep into our hearts, and use it in someway this week.

With much love,

Beth

Frozen Yogurt and Toppings

What topping are you to Him?

Today marks almost one week since discovering the depth of my allergy to salicylic acid, and I've been watching so much of what I eat and consume.  Weird how so much contains this particular allergen, and all along I've thought it was a chemical only found in face products.  I feel a bit slimmer, less bloated, have experienced a decrease in swelling of my ankles, more focused, and when I have my one cup-of-coffee a day, I can really tell a difference.  I instantly start clearing my throat, and it's crazy to me how this one annoying aspect of my daily life was tied into what I was drinking/eating.  Coffee is such an experience to me, and to not have at least one-a-day, is not right.  :)  It's a morning ritual, and I will push through a little swelling and throat clearing to enjoy the 8 oz. of enjoyment. 

But, that's not the point of today's entry.  A close friend of mine encouraged me to jot down something I mentioned yesterday, to share with others.

I was telling her how I have grown so much much closer to Christ, in Silver, because it was so barren in the "extras".  I didn't have a Bible study group to attend, a women's ministry that I could be actively involved in, the praise and worship was simply sweet (emphasis on simple), and the messages were given by a variety of pastors.  I love our current church, for the people within it's walls, but it's been hard to not have a pastor for a year and a half and all the "extras".

He lifts the toppings up, sustains them, and He NEVER melts!

I told my friend that I have learned what it means to have Christ as my all-in-all, like the main substance of frozen yogurt, and when we return to Georgia the toppings will come. I don't want to switch that focus to women's Bible studies, children's ministries, amazing praise and worship being my yogurt, and having Christ as my topping (or after thought).  I want to keep Him first, and allow the sweet things of the "Bible Belt" to add to what He and I already have.

Load up your cup full of Him, whatever that flavor might be, and sprinkle on the colorful parts of life on top!  He lifts the toppings up, sustains them, and guess what?!?  He NEVER melts!!!  It's ongoing, and the toppings can even change.  Some seasons in life call for sprinkles, and other seasons call for chunks of brownies!  He loves each one of us so much, and it amazes me that He finds everyone of us as His favorite topping!!

 I think I'm sprinkles, to Him, for sure!  What topping are you? 

Highlights and Insights

Perhaps you find the idea of listening to the prompting of the Lord in getting highlights done a bit odd, but I don't.  I believe He prompts us to go here, or there.  Grab a coffee "now", or "wait."  Have lunch with that ol' friend this afternoon, or head straight home.  The list goes on an on.  Now, I'm not saying that you're out of obedience if you fail to follow one of these directions, I just believe you miss opportunities He has for you.  He prompts us so that we can experience Him fully, in a variety of places, doing various things.  Let me share what happened yesterday.

I went to work, had a coffee with the principal I've been doing my internship with, and on my way home, I felt the prompting to stop in and get my hair cut.  It was very spontaneous for me, as I usually have these sorts of things planned out, and for sure planned out with specific people.  But, not yesterday.  I pulled into the Belleza Spa and Salon and asked if they had an opening for a haircut.  They did, but it would be with a new girl, and I ALWAYS get nervous about the "new" person.  I think it's because I've been the new person giving services, and let's just say that with time comes perfection of skill.

I was hesitant and asked a million questions about this "new girl", and took a leap.  Not only did I have them put me down for a haircut, but also for my very first highlight (in a salon, as boxes with my mom are always cheaper and she does a great job).  With that in place, we were going to get to know one another because we had the next two hours to do so.  We talked about husbands, children, infertility, new towns, old houses, Hatch chili's and how they're not the only good ones in New Mexico (gasp), and here's where it took a turn.  We talked about facials!  She graduated from the Aveda School in Albuquerque, and I shared with her how we took our daughter there to do a tour because she wants to be a cosmetologist.  I also shared with her my ABSOLUTE LOVE for spas and Aveda products, but there was one problem.  I told her that I couldn't use all the fun anti-aging, acne preventing products because I am allergic to salicylic acid.  Hang on to your spanks people!  Here it goes.

She said, "Oh man.  That means you can't have aspirin either."  I said, "Yes, how did you know that?  I mean, what does aspirin have to do with salicylic acid?"  She said it has everything to do with one another because salicylic acid is in aspirin, and in fact, salicylic acid is many foods, lotions, etc.  WHAT?  I was shocked, but not as shocked as I was about to be.

She showed me article, after article, after article about those allergic to salicylic acid.  I thought it was just a topical issue, but it's not!!  It's in foods, drinks, and other toiletries that I have been using.  The symptoms of someone who is salicytrate intolerant was shocking to me because I have been struggling with each one of them simultaneously for close to 18 years.  Symptoms like headaches, throat clearing (and if you know me, or have been a former student of mine you know how annoying this has been), swollen ankles, sleep apnea (or snoring), breakouts, and a few more that are too embarrassing to put down in the written word.  I was dumbfounded because it's high in some of my favorite fruits and vegetables that I eat every day.  It is also in my all time favorite beverage, in fact it's a passion of mine, COFFEE!!!!!!!!!  Aaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!  What is a girl to do now?

I wanted to cry, because if you have been struggling with these things and they seem to be just apart of who you are, it comes as a great relief to see how they are directly woven together and it all comes down to the on thing that I've known I was allergic to: salicylic acid.  I was surprised that my dermatologist never mentioned the internal implications, nor my doctors.  I feel like all the negative, or annoying things that I struggle with, could be reduced (if not eliminated) by a cautious watch on my salicylic acid intake.  Due to the stress our family has experienced over the past year or so, it has only been accelerated.  That's why my hair has been breaking, ankles swollen for no apparent reason, extreme face breakouts, and headaches. 

When I started to reflect on my past with this intolerance, it all makes since.  I didn't clear my throat, have such terrible headaches, swollen ankles, snoring, etc. when I was in high school.  I started all of this around the end of my freshman year of college.  Well, that's when my coffee intake started, and other things I should be avoiding (like particular skin care items, etc.) started as well.

Today starts day 1 of the journey to watching my salicylic acid intake.  It's complicated because it's a natural ingredient that can be found in the rarest of items like tomatoes (which I LOVE), gum, peppermint, spices, and so much more.  I am attempting to slowly, but surely, detox my body and slowly reintroduce a few items that I miss terribly.  I know what you're thinking.  What are you going to do about your coffee problem?  Glad you were worried too.  I am only having one cup today, as opposed to four, and it will be the purest of forms.  I will switch to decaf (which contains minimal SA) and go from there.  It's crazy to think that even when I was cautiously trying to lose weight, that was a hindering me from truly losing weight.  The SA found in products that someone like me cannot tolerate, actually makes you bloated and retain abnormal amounts of water.  So crazy!!!

You see, there's one more aspect to this.  I have been praying to the Lord, specifically for the past few days, that He please help me get my body back in shape.  I have been perplexed as to why it's been so hard.  Exercise is a must, and I have been working on that, but this is a HUGE problem that needed to be addressed.  It's caused more dangerous situations than a few extra pounds, like blood pressure issues and hypertension, and if my highlights yesterday was to just find out more about this one allergy, then PRAISE HIM!!!

Thank you Lord for loving me so much as to prompt me, thank you Aveda for teaching your students thoroughly, and thank you Amy for being the "new girl" that led me to this discovery!  By the way, I was able to share the Lord with her, through all of this!

Georgia . . . Hummingbird

This morning, I had to force myself to leave the ED Week Online catalog of Webinar opportunities for teachers.  I miss the classroom terribly, and I know that before I can unpack our first few boxes, I will be gearing up for a new school year and will return to the familiar sounds of packed hallways, moving desks and chatter.  I have surrendered my principalship, and I am trusting Him with the master's program He's led me through the past year.  I know He will have that leadership position down the road, but not for now.

The Lord, without a doubt, is moving us to Georgia.  This particular state is packed with many emotions, boundaries, relationships, backgrounds, and history.  In fact, this state is so emotional that several of my siblings cannot stand to hear, for one moment, that any of us are returning.  This summer marks exactly twenty years since we crossed the Georgia/Alabama state line and when we left we thought we'd never return.  We left behind a broken family through divorce, personal bad choices, friendships gone wrong, relationships left hurting, and a complete mess of problems.  Many times throughout my life, I wanted to avoid the peach state and not make reference to it other than reminisce about the culture that I did love.  I love front porches, big trees that sound like water when they sway, lightening bugs, green grass for cartwheels, the hospitality others show when you stop by, fashion, sweet tea everywhere you go, and beautiful colors that appear in spring/fall.  What I didn't love was the insecurity I carried, the need for attention I displayed, and all that goes with these two attributes.

That's the way our Lord does His thing!  He returns us to our pain to redeem us, rewrite the pages, erase that which we confess, and set us on new ground.  I left a broken teen, and return twenty years later as a confident woman in Christ.  I left not knowing who I was, and I am returning fully defined.  Nothing remained the same, and it's all new.  Not even a consignment piece, but a beautifully hemmed garment of grace, forgiveness, redemption and mercy.  Thank you Lord for redefining Elizabeth Anne DeJager into Your girl!!  Extreme makeover at it's best!

Hummingbird in Silver City, NM (Bear Mountain Lodge)

It feels so great to be here once more.  Here at the computer, cup-of-coffee, Gungor playing in the background, the sun shining through, and the windows open.  It refreshes everything in me to be in this very moment.  Did I mention the hum of the arriving hummingbirds?  Yes, it's a beautiful phenomena here in Silver City, New Mexico.  Every year, the hummingbirds make their pilgrimage here and flood our town with the sounds of late spring/early summer.  Humans flock from everywhere to grab a close look at the array of colors, and species.  Yes, Lord, You are an amazing architect of all sorts!

Good Wednesday to each of us and let's make it count!

One year since last post . . .

It's been a long time since I have punched away at the keys of this ol' keyboard.  Almost one year, to be exact, and the changes that have occurred in that time are inexplicable.  Where to start, which event to talk about, emotion felt, or victory experienced is beyond me 'bout I start with where we are today? 

Brianne is almost 16 years old, Katherine is about to turn 10, and Sofia Margaret is all of 7 years-old.  My age, and that of my best friend, are pointless.  It would be more important to point out our state-of-mind.  Andres is youthful once more, and as he puts it, has become reacquainted with an ol' friend (his mountain bike), and I am still continuing to know the Lord's plan for me in this very moment.  I wish I was a quick learner, and a better student at living in the moment, but it's hard. I am happy here, but the joy is lacking.  It should not be lacking, rather overflowing with absolute gratitude for where He has placed us.

I have a burnt candle paper, that was used during the midnight candle mass at the monastery behind our home, that is neatly framed.  It serves as a reminder to let 2013 burn with all it's sad, harsh memories of pain, and to laugh at the days ahead in 2014.  After all, isn't that what the Proverbs 31 Woman did in the pages of scripture?  I haven't laughed at my days this year, but I have felt hope and a renewed since of the journey ahead.  I understand that my Dad will not be apart of that journey, and forgiveness must be his on this side of heaven.  In heaven, he is not only forgiven, but righteous and pure in every sense of the word.  The forgiveness to grant, is for my soul on this side, so that I will not be found to blame.  I truly feel forgiveness, but I absolutely feel sadness at times.  I am learning to forgive, and give freedom to go.  Once more, he is free, but the freedom is for me to receive. 

Uprooted, without a plan, in the sways of the wind that is ever-changing, and at the full mercy of the Father's hands is where I am.  It's clear to see where His backwards approach to this earthly system is:  what is up is down, and what is down is up.  Here, in my flesh, I feel anything but functional, but in Him, I am perfectly woven into His grip and He is delighted.  He is thankful for my heart of putty, and finds me ripe for the picking because I do not have a will of where I need to be, rather where does He want me.  It's just hard to be in this place at times.  This place, meaning the tilled up soil of my uprooted heart.  I am longing for a home.  A home to nestle, settle, and nest in.  A plan that has me on course for a few years, without change.  Wait...that's heaven. 

Since my last posting, back in April of 2013, we had my mom live with us for a couple of months, family feuds, went through several procedures, two surgeries, healing for six weeks, a runaway child, and a beloved family pet that was clutched into the claws of an owl.  Breathe, attack, breathe, attack, breathe.......more like swimming in an ocean of waves. 

This year has brought a wind of change.  A change of spiritual journey and what it means to be a disciple, in lieu of a Christian.  To be a God girl, and not a church girl.  To love, whether they love me or not.  It has also brought change to mom in her work, living spaces, future possibilities, future residential living in another part of the United States, my career and so much more.  The changes are good, but shifting.  Change is on the horizon, and what that looks like, I have no idea!

Friends have adopted, friends are now fostering, friends have drifted in/out of our lives, our family has grown in it's bond, minds are molding, hearts are mending, bodies are growing.  The church is no longer a place to receive/give services, rather a place to serve.  The attendance means nothing, the music is just a bonus, and the messages are a building upon of what has already been read throughout the week.  The church is us, and not us in church.  Dog taken, dog adopted, from Annabel Lynn to Molly Anne.  From Literacy Link, to prayers of a leadership role.  Contentment to commitment and the commitment to contentment.  Twenty-four hour escapes to another city for swimming, laughing, and discovering.  Arizona out, New Mexico maybe, the deep south a yes.  Management to engineering, to the unknown. 


Still God is good!

Three months and some lessons along the way...

If anyone could read this post tonight, it would be great if it was someone that has experienced a deep hurt that seems impossible to carry.  The kind of hurt that if you think too long about the details, then surely you would find yourself in a dark place.  The kind of hurt that sneaks up and stirs up uncontrollable emotions and you find yourself wiping your cheeks once more.  I would love for this kind of hurting reader to be with me tonight, reading the words that fall from my fingers to the keyboard, because it brings me comfort to know that not only are you going through this kind of hurt, but also to encourage you that it will be okay.  We will be okay.  And not only did I walk around before thinking that I had experienced hurt, but I really didn't know that the level of pain that would be coming would only make my former pain look so bearable. 

The girls and I have spent the past four days in Arizona, with Mom/Mimi and it has been so hard.  I asked Mom this morning, while we were sitting out back with our cup-of-coffee why it seems that the overwhelming sense of loss is greater now, then the first few weeks?!?  I thought that as time went on, the sting would go away, and actually the sting does, but the mental thoughts are relentless.  It's a lurking emotional disaster waiting to happen, when all you really want to do is see the brighter tomorrow. I prayed on the way home today, that the Lord would bring control over my thoughts and allow me to see the day for what it is TODAY, and not what it WAS.  I want to touch and experience my moments for what they are in real time.  Everything I see, hear, experience right now has a reminder of Dad all over it, and it's making it hard.  Not that I want to "move on" from knowing Dad and having him apart of my day, but I want to experience what God has in store for me and my family as it relates to today.  The yesterday brings pain right now, not joy. 

If you are reading this, and honestly, it's probably my Mom or Holly reading, and I may think my Mom has forgotten about this blog, so I'm pretty sure it's just Holly.  But Holly, if you or someone else is reading this, I want you to know that no matter what kind of pain our Lord is going to permit to come your way, He will be faithful to walk oh so closely to you, especially in the beginning, and the experience will leave you less fearful of future pain, rather a deeper understanding that this is what it means to live as Christ.  I have never felt more like Christ, and still pales in comparison, than when I heard Dad's secretary cry out "He's gone."  When I heard those words falling out of the phone from Arizona to New Mexico, I felt piercing pain.  The kind of pain that leaves you on the floor, and even then, the pain was no greater than what my poor mother felt.  A widow at 54 to such a tragic loss, has been more than she can bare, just like the cross Jesus was trying to carry as He was suffering on the way to the hill where He would be crucified.  I know Rick Warren's family is feeling the same kind of pain, as they walk through the valley of suicide. 

Though the valley is barren feeling, and lonely (especially for mom), our hope in Christ Jesus leads us to believe that the valley is only connecting two mountain tops.  To get from one mountain top of life to the next, one must go through the valley.  For a journey without the valley, is no journey at all.  I know His presence will only be that much stronger, and apparent through this kind of journey.  I see why Paul says to consider it pure joy to suffer, for in our suffering our faith is made genuine. 

Lord, we are putting our full trust in You that You have not simply "called" us to go through such a loss for our "good", rather You have a plan for this type of pain.  Please do not let us merely have a story to tell our children and grandchildren of how we experienced loss and Your faithfulness, rather let ministries arise from these ashes to Your full glory!!!  Let us not return to ordinary life, but bring us to a deeper faith in You and a trust that goes beyond circumstances!!  Father, I know You hold the very breath I breathe this very moment, and I pray that I breathe in Your truths, and exhale Your goodness to those around me.  Inhale truth, exhale blessings!  Inhale truth, exhale hope!  Inhale truth, exhale light!  Inhale truth, exhale encouragement!  Inhale truth, exhale life!

May You be praised, and grant us a feeling of Your very presence!  Make Your presence in my life all that I need, and not wishing for a human presence to replace You!  I love Dad, but he cannot be what I need!  I need You!

With love,

Beth

Sixty three days since Dad passed

Lord, You are still so good, even 63 days since the death of Dad.  You have been gracious, patient, calming, firm, and endlessly compassionate.  I haven't written in a while, as the days have been passing me quickly, and honestly I have forgotten to write.

Lord, before I began tonight's post, I reread through the initial postings since Dad died, and it's amazing to see how far You have brought each one of us.  I see how Katie's body healed from the depth of agony, how Mom has seen brighter days (even on the mission trip to Mexico), we are seeing Silver City as truly our home, and the list goes on and on.  I had forgotten about all the initial pain of groaning deeply over Dad's death.  I forgot about the burnt cheeks from salty tears, the abdominal pain, cancar sores and so much more.  You truly have been walking with us, and guess what?  We are actually starting to have some type of routine.

I admitted to Andres today that I spent some time looking in the rear view mirror of life.  I literally looked up all our old things, jobs/house/etc. and entertained the thought of moving backing into life as if we had never left.  Forgive me!  I don't really want to do that, but emotionally at times, I do.  I long for the life we had before all the uprooting, even if it was monotonous.   We have definitly seen why You have placed us here and Your will for our lives is only playing out more and more each day.  Again, being obedient in the simplest of things, turns into huge ministry opportunities.

Since Dad passed, we have hosted three families for dinner, taken a few weekend trips to Arizona and the White Sands, started a girl's Bible Study, and so much more.  This Sunday an entire family of five girls and the parents, are coming to church.  I really hope they make it!!!  I know that You alone can take a nasty situation like this and turn it into a beautiful story.  I pray for each of my family members, sweet loved ones, that are finding their ways to grieve.  I pray they continue to turn to You, and not from You, and they feel Your hope take up residence in their hearts. 

Thank You for all You've done, and will continue to do.  I am learning more and more each day of what it means to serve You, live for You, and die to self.  I really do not want to go through painful experiences, like this one, but I am thankful for the fruit that has come from it.  This is such a side note, but thank you for making my birthday a very special one this year.  I was dreading it because it fell on a Wednesday, which every Wednesday since Dad's passing as been a terrible one. You truly allowed me to celebrate my birth at the eight week mark of Dad's death, and it actually turned out to be wonderful!!  Thank you for that, Lord!

For now, simply because I am so tired, goodnight.  I love You with all of my heart!  Wrap Your everlasting arms around my Dad and tell him that I gave him that one!!!  Tell him that we are doing well, and that I journal from time to time so that I will not forget Your faithfulness in such pain.  Please allow Katie to have one good dream of Dad, as a whole/complete man, and let it be magical like the old times.  It's been painful for her to see him alouf, "gloomy", "distant", and "just not himself". 

Goodnight my Lord,

Beth

Two months this Thursday . . .

“Though the sorrow may last for the night, Your joy comes in the morning.”

This is truly the promise that I have to rely on from time to time.  I seem to do oh so well, and then a night comes like last night, and my pillow finds itself wet once more with salty tears.  I get tired of crying and being so sensitive.  I told Andres last night that my heart feels like a fresh wound.  The bleeding, and extreme pain is gone, but the sting of the fresh skin hurts when it gets rubbed the wrong way.  Do you know what I’m talking about?  The kind of fresh wound that has new skin exposed and you have to wear pants because it’s still cold outside, so every time you move your legs, it just scraps that new skin and stings once more.  It’s not until we put on a fresh BAND-AID that we can bare the movement against our wound. That’s exactly how I feel!!  Yesterday, my BAND-AID was wearing off, and almost every move I made, it was rubbing against it and causing unwanted/unexpected tears to just fall.  I feel so bad for the new people around me.  They don’t know me any other way!

Lord, I just have to believe in You because if I don’t trust that You still have me in Your plan, I have no reason to carry on with my faith.  I have no reason to encourage others about their pain and wounds and I certainly have no reason to stay close to You.  I know that You are doing something new, but it hurts so bad, and honestly at times I feel hurt by You.  I just feel like You may be watching from a distance from time to time, and all I really want is to feel your ever present presence!!!!!  I need You, Lord, I need You and my family does too.  We CANNOT function in the day-to-day plans without You.  Please continue to hear the cry of our hearts, even if our pain is not expressed through tears, see whatever action of pain we have and respond!!!  And, Lord, You have!!!  You have already responded, so many times!!  You did this morning and I appreciate it so much.  I could feel your mercies, oh so new mercies. 

May this day be given to You, through substituting the seventh grade class at La Plata.  May Your presence abound, through and around me and the class that I am in today.  Let them feel something new, and question down the road what that was!

With much affection,

 

Beth

Same day....another story of God's surprises

So, that was Josh’s story of how God touched him on his first Sunday back.  Here’s mine.  For five years, I have been desperately trying to get to a potter’s wheel so I could quietly watch a potter form a vessel from a lump of clay.  My favorite imagery from the Bible is where God is our potter and we are His clay and when we yield to His hand, He can do mighty things.  This message has spoken to me at different seasons of my life, and since the death of Dad, I feel as if I’m being remolded in some new way yet I couldn’t put my finger on what process of creating the pottery am I in…………UNTIL Sunday! 

Our new church home, which we just joined on Sunday, had a special speaker visiting and guess what?!?!?  Guess what was sitting right there on the stage as we entered into service?  A POTTER’S WHEEL!!!! And furthermore, guess what our guest speaker was?  A Pastor and Potter.  How appropriate, don’t you think?  So, for one hour, I got to join in with our new congregation, as we watched this potter form a new vessel from a thick, moist lump of clay.  He talked ever so assuredly how this whole process of creating a new vessel is like our relationship with Christ.  And guess what part of the creating my family is in right now?  The furnace!  We are being fired up so that the Lord can use us for many purposes, far greater than we could ever imagine, but to be useful, we have to be placed into the furnace.  We feel at times the Potter has forgotten about us or that the temperature is just too hot for our vessel, but the potter knows His purposes for us and what temperature to allow so that it can be complete.  We are not broken pieces of a clay pot that needs to be swept up and redone, rather in the process of being used!

 

 

So, I wait, along with my mom, brothers, husband, sisters, children, and friends as the Potter does His thing.  I will eagerly wait for Him to open the door to the other end of the furnace and take me out and use me for His glory. 

Here is a picture of the pitcher I bought from Brother Dave so that I never forget this past Sunday.  It’s the day I’ve been longing (visually seeing a potter at the wheel) for many years, and now the Lord sends it to me, right in my church home, while we’re in the furnace.  Is He not so tender in how He surprises us with His great gifts?!?  I was dreading going to church in fear of uncontrollable tears (seems to happen a lot lately), but all along the Lord was just waiting with bated breath for me to see my surprise.  He couldn’t wait for me to hurry through the snow, get the girls situated and take my seat.  Thank you Jesus for showing us LOVE as it means to us.  Once again, so personal.