Three months and some lessons along the way...

If anyone could read this post tonight, it would be great if it was someone that has experienced a deep hurt that seems impossible to carry.  The kind of hurt that if you think too long about the details, then surely you would find yourself in a dark place.  The kind of hurt that sneaks up and stirs up uncontrollable emotions and you find yourself wiping your cheeks once more.  I would love for this kind of hurting reader to be with me tonight, reading the words that fall from my fingers to the keyboard, because it brings me comfort to know that not only are you going through this kind of hurt, but also to encourage you that it will be okay.  We will be okay.  And not only did I walk around before thinking that I had experienced hurt, but I really didn't know that the level of pain that would be coming would only make my former pain look so bearable. 

The girls and I have spent the past four days in Arizona, with Mom/Mimi and it has been so hard.  I asked Mom this morning, while we were sitting out back with our cup-of-coffee why it seems that the overwhelming sense of loss is greater now, then the first few weeks?!?  I thought that as time went on, the sting would go away, and actually the sting does, but the mental thoughts are relentless.  It's a lurking emotional disaster waiting to happen, when all you really want to do is see the brighter tomorrow. I prayed on the way home today, that the Lord would bring control over my thoughts and allow me to see the day for what it is TODAY, and not what it WAS.  I want to touch and experience my moments for what they are in real time.  Everything I see, hear, experience right now has a reminder of Dad all over it, and it's making it hard.  Not that I want to "move on" from knowing Dad and having him apart of my day, but I want to experience what God has in store for me and my family as it relates to today.  The yesterday brings pain right now, not joy. 

If you are reading this, and honestly, it's probably my Mom or Holly reading, and I may think my Mom has forgotten about this blog, so I'm pretty sure it's just Holly.  But Holly, if you or someone else is reading this, I want you to know that no matter what kind of pain our Lord is going to permit to come your way, He will be faithful to walk oh so closely to you, especially in the beginning, and the experience will leave you less fearful of future pain, rather a deeper understanding that this is what it means to live as Christ.  I have never felt more like Christ, and still pales in comparison, than when I heard Dad's secretary cry out "He's gone."  When I heard those words falling out of the phone from Arizona to New Mexico, I felt piercing pain.  The kind of pain that leaves you on the floor, and even then, the pain was no greater than what my poor mother felt.  A widow at 54 to such a tragic loss, has been more than she can bare, just like the cross Jesus was trying to carry as He was suffering on the way to the hill where He would be crucified.  I know Rick Warren's family is feeling the same kind of pain, as they walk through the valley of suicide. 

Though the valley is barren feeling, and lonely (especially for mom), our hope in Christ Jesus leads us to believe that the valley is only connecting two mountain tops.  To get from one mountain top of life to the next, one must go through the valley.  For a journey without the valley, is no journey at all.  I know His presence will only be that much stronger, and apparent through this kind of journey.  I see why Paul says to consider it pure joy to suffer, for in our suffering our faith is made genuine. 

Lord, we are putting our full trust in You that You have not simply "called" us to go through such a loss for our "good", rather You have a plan for this type of pain.  Please do not let us merely have a story to tell our children and grandchildren of how we experienced loss and Your faithfulness, rather let ministries arise from these ashes to Your full glory!!!  Let us not return to ordinary life, but bring us to a deeper faith in You and a trust that goes beyond circumstances!!  Father, I know You hold the very breath I breathe this very moment, and I pray that I breathe in Your truths, and exhale Your goodness to those around me.  Inhale truth, exhale blessings!  Inhale truth, exhale hope!  Inhale truth, exhale light!  Inhale truth, exhale encouragement!  Inhale truth, exhale life!

May You be praised, and grant us a feeling of Your very presence!  Make Your presence in my life all that I need, and not wishing for a human presence to replace You!  I love Dad, but he cannot be what I need!  I need You!

With love,

Beth

Sixty three days since Dad passed

Lord, You are still so good, even 63 days since the death of Dad.  You have been gracious, patient, calming, firm, and endlessly compassionate.  I haven't written in a while, as the days have been passing me quickly, and honestly I have forgotten to write.

Lord, before I began tonight's post, I reread through the initial postings since Dad died, and it's amazing to see how far You have brought each one of us.  I see how Katie's body healed from the depth of agony, how Mom has seen brighter days (even on the mission trip to Mexico), we are seeing Silver City as truly our home, and the list goes on and on.  I had forgotten about all the initial pain of groaning deeply over Dad's death.  I forgot about the burnt cheeks from salty tears, the abdominal pain, cancar sores and so much more.  You truly have been walking with us, and guess what?  We are actually starting to have some type of routine.

I admitted to Andres today that I spent some time looking in the rear view mirror of life.  I literally looked up all our old things, jobs/house/etc. and entertained the thought of moving backing into life as if we had never left.  Forgive me!  I don't really want to do that, but emotionally at times, I do.  I long for the life we had before all the uprooting, even if it was monotonous.   We have definitly seen why You have placed us here and Your will for our lives is only playing out more and more each day.  Again, being obedient in the simplest of things, turns into huge ministry opportunities.

Since Dad passed, we have hosted three families for dinner, taken a few weekend trips to Arizona and the White Sands, started a girl's Bible Study, and so much more.  This Sunday an entire family of five girls and the parents, are coming to church.  I really hope they make it!!!  I know that You alone can take a nasty situation like this and turn it into a beautiful story.  I pray for each of my family members, sweet loved ones, that are finding their ways to grieve.  I pray they continue to turn to You, and not from You, and they feel Your hope take up residence in their hearts. 

Thank You for all You've done, and will continue to do.  I am learning more and more each day of what it means to serve You, live for You, and die to self.  I really do not want to go through painful experiences, like this one, but I am thankful for the fruit that has come from it.  This is such a side note, but thank you for making my birthday a very special one this year.  I was dreading it because it fell on a Wednesday, which every Wednesday since Dad's passing as been a terrible one. You truly allowed me to celebrate my birth at the eight week mark of Dad's death, and it actually turned out to be wonderful!!  Thank you for that, Lord!

For now, simply because I am so tired, goodnight.  I love You with all of my heart!  Wrap Your everlasting arms around my Dad and tell him that I gave him that one!!!  Tell him that we are doing well, and that I journal from time to time so that I will not forget Your faithfulness in such pain.  Please allow Katie to have one good dream of Dad, as a whole/complete man, and let it be magical like the old times.  It's been painful for her to see him alouf, "gloomy", "distant", and "just not himself". 

Goodnight my Lord,

Beth

Two months this Thursday . . .

“Though the sorrow may last for the night, Your joy comes in the morning.”

This is truly the promise that I have to rely on from time to time.  I seem to do oh so well, and then a night comes like last night, and my pillow finds itself wet once more with salty tears.  I get tired of crying and being so sensitive.  I told Andres last night that my heart feels like a fresh wound.  The bleeding, and extreme pain is gone, but the sting of the fresh skin hurts when it gets rubbed the wrong way.  Do you know what I’m talking about?  The kind of fresh wound that has new skin exposed and you have to wear pants because it’s still cold outside, so every time you move your legs, it just scraps that new skin and stings once more.  It’s not until we put on a fresh BAND-AID that we can bare the movement against our wound. That’s exactly how I feel!!  Yesterday, my BAND-AID was wearing off, and almost every move I made, it was rubbing against it and causing unwanted/unexpected tears to just fall.  I feel so bad for the new people around me.  They don’t know me any other way!

Lord, I just have to believe in You because if I don’t trust that You still have me in Your plan, I have no reason to carry on with my faith.  I have no reason to encourage others about their pain and wounds and I certainly have no reason to stay close to You.  I know that You are doing something new, but it hurts so bad, and honestly at times I feel hurt by You.  I just feel like You may be watching from a distance from time to time, and all I really want is to feel your ever present presence!!!!!  I need You, Lord, I need You and my family does too.  We CANNOT function in the day-to-day plans without You.  Please continue to hear the cry of our hearts, even if our pain is not expressed through tears, see whatever action of pain we have and respond!!!  And, Lord, You have!!!  You have already responded, so many times!!  You did this morning and I appreciate it so much.  I could feel your mercies, oh so new mercies. 

May this day be given to You, through substituting the seventh grade class at La Plata.  May Your presence abound, through and around me and the class that I am in today.  Let them feel something new, and question down the road what that was!

With much affection,

 

Beth

Same day....another story of God's surprises

So, that was Josh’s story of how God touched him on his first Sunday back.  Here’s mine.  For five years, I have been desperately trying to get to a potter’s wheel so I could quietly watch a potter form a vessel from a lump of clay.  My favorite imagery from the Bible is where God is our potter and we are His clay and when we yield to His hand, He can do mighty things.  This message has spoken to me at different seasons of my life, and since the death of Dad, I feel as if I’m being remolded in some new way yet I couldn’t put my finger on what process of creating the pottery am I in…………UNTIL Sunday! 

Our new church home, which we just joined on Sunday, had a special speaker visiting and guess what?!?!?  Guess what was sitting right there on the stage as we entered into service?  A POTTER’S WHEEL!!!! And furthermore, guess what our guest speaker was?  A Pastor and Potter.  How appropriate, don’t you think?  So, for one hour, I got to join in with our new congregation, as we watched this potter form a new vessel from a thick, moist lump of clay.  He talked ever so assuredly how this whole process of creating a new vessel is like our relationship with Christ.  And guess what part of the creating my family is in right now?  The furnace!  We are being fired up so that the Lord can use us for many purposes, far greater than we could ever imagine, but to be useful, we have to be placed into the furnace.  We feel at times the Potter has forgotten about us or that the temperature is just too hot for our vessel, but the potter knows His purposes for us and what temperature to allow so that it can be complete.  We are not broken pieces of a clay pot that needs to be swept up and redone, rather in the process of being used!

 

 

So, I wait, along with my mom, brothers, husband, sisters, children, and friends as the Potter does His thing.  I will eagerly wait for Him to open the door to the other end of the furnace and take me out and use me for His glory. 

Here is a picture of the pitcher I bought from Brother Dave so that I never forget this past Sunday.  It’s the day I’ve been longing (visually seeing a potter at the wheel) for many years, and now the Lord sends it to me, right in my church home, while we’re in the furnace.  Is He not so tender in how He surprises us with His great gifts?!?  I was dreading going to church in fear of uncontrollable tears (seems to happen a lot lately), but all along the Lord was just waiting with bated breath for me to see my surprise.  He couldn’t wait for me to hurry through the snow, get the girls situated and take my seat.  Thank you Jesus for showing us LOVE as it means to us.  Once again, so personal. 

One month and a week. . .

Family and friends, I have to share a fingerprint from God that was discovered yesterday morning during church, in East Texas.  If you remember, I posted last week that I woke up to Katie’s reading of Jonah 4, and her revelation of the vine and how she must tend to it and ask God not how He can grant her desires, rather how she can serve Him.  Well, yesterday was my brother’s and my first Sunday back to church since our Dad passed away five weeks ago.  Little did we both know that we were both dreading the possible emotions that would come by attending our church homes and how we both had to be obedient in attending yesterday.  Josh was dreading the questions that everyone had about Dad’s passing, and I was dreading a possible crying session in the midst of service.  We both went, and we both returned with HUGE stories.  I will share Joshua’s first and then later this afternoon I will share my story.

(Josh, Katie, and Sofie in Tyler of 2007 before a lake trip)

 

Josh arrived in Sunday School and the teacher said, “Today, we will be looking at Jonah, chapter 4.”  Enough said!!!  Need I say more about the fingerprint and miracle!  When was the last time you walked into SS class and it’s specifically over Jonah 4?  Here Katie had her revelation last Thursday, and then her uncle would be greeted with the same message from his chair in SS class.  He was blown away, even before they began to read the passage.  Here, his little niece encouraged him last week with her words and truths, and then the dreaded Sunday comes and because he follows in obedience, he is welcomed (from the Lord) with the very same passage.  He could not believe it and it showed him that our Heavenly Father knows the pains we face, but in those moments He surprises and refreshes our spirits in a very personal way. 

Josh and Katie, uncle and niece, brother and sister-in-Christ, talked about this unique experience on the phone last night for quite some time.  It was a meeting of the minds, and spirits that go beyond age!  Thank you Lord for being consistent in the message and for creating a full circle through Your Word.  From Jonah, to Katie, to Josh, You make your words relevant and personal throughout all generations.

If you read Jonah 4:1-11, you will see why it’s such a powerful message during such a time as this. 

One month....three days

Good late night to you Lord!  It's 11:33 p.m. and the house sits still.  It's so quiet and I wish there  was a better time for me to journal with you.  I wish I could rise before dawn, and spend time with the words You breathed onto Life's Manuscript, talk with You and even write to You.  Nighttime comes, and it just seems to suit me better.  Everyone is quiet, resting, which brings a sense of rest to me as well, and the thoughts of the day can just flow onto the keyboard before I begin to close my eyes.  I guess it becomes more of reflection at this time of day, rather than anticipation!  Although, You know that I do anticipate each day.

So, Lord, where are we?  You and I, on this new journey?  Well, I can say that You freed us to spend time as a family today amongst the amazing rock formations at the City of Rocks in NM.  Though we did not sit on the pews of our new church home this morning, we sat on the rocks that You created way before our time and just enjoyed Your creation.  According to Your Word:

Luke 19:40

Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

⁴⁰ He answered, “I tell you, if they were to keep silent, the stones would cry out!”

Lord, the very rocks that we walked upon, layed out on, and fellowshiped on, will cry out Your name if we keep silent!  I cannot begin to fathom the boulders that were layered upon layer, and then resting upon solid stone, crying out Your name because your children have gone dormant.  Absolute stone, cold rocks releasing sounds to praise Your Holy name.  What a thought too grandiose for me to even comprehend!  I pray Lord that I will not stay silent when it comes to who You are, nor what You are!

You know, I wish I would've remembered this scripture when we were out there today so that I could've shared it with Andres and the girls.  I will have to share this with them in the morning.  I also thank you for the visual of the power of prayer.  Today, the passenger window would not roll up, and I told Andres that the past two times this happened to me, I had to pray and plea with You to please allow the window to roll back up.  He was getting so frustrated, and then Katie said, "Dad, mom told you how to handle the problem.  Pray!"  Well, in a half-hearted way, he begin to ask you out loud to roll up the window and then it happened......the answer to prayer!  The window returned to it's upright position and we all got a first-hand reminder of the power of prayer, even over the smallest of things.  So, thank You!

Well, we are one month, and three days since Dad's passing and I have to say that it has been getting easier.  I hate that guilt comes with the feelings of freedom, but I also have to remind myself that guilt is NOT of You.  Conviction comes from You, and there is not conviction in allowing You to mend our broken hearts to have the power to live in the ever present moments of the day.  So, I will remember that when I find myself feeling guilty over enjoying life's pleasures, like today's trip to see the rocks, that the enjoyment that I feel is actually an answer to prayer!  It's growth, not regression or a problem.  It's maturity in knowing that I have such a short time to live the rest of my life, so to waste it moment by moment with sadness, is actually less pleasing to You. 

I love You so much and I know that You will continue to take our days and make them count on an eternity sized scale.  I want to continue on with life, but remembering the scar of pain that was left, so that I don't forget the pain others feel as they walk through their journey.  I want to be an example to the girls, and yet, I've been finding through this grieving process that they are more of an example to us on how to grieve.  Their resilience seems to represent the childlike faith You beckon us to have.  If they are to be my examples, then I should find laughter once more in baking white cakes, topped with pink-lemonade frosting.  Or spotting deer and acting like it's the first time.  I need to remember to cry when I feel like crying, but once it's out, then return to my favorite cooking show for new ideas to feed my family.  Life has so many treats along the way, and I don't want to settle for a basket-full of rotting food.  You have so much more in store for us!  Use us Lord beyond such a tragedy and let us be a blessing to those around us!

With so much anticipation of tomorrow and gratitude in my heart for today,

Beth

P.S. I'll upload pictures of today's outing tomorrow, but for now, here's a picture of Mom and I from this past week.  Thank you Jesus for giving us special Mom/Daughter moments through all of this.  I love her so much and though she reminds me over and over again that I brought her life when I was born, I KNOW that she brought me life by choosing life.  So many around her wanted something different because she was such a young mom, but she knew in her heart that You wove a gift into her womb (and that was before she knew You even).  Also, You allowed Katie to pick up her love of rocks once more.  She attended her first field trip with Andres.  This was the field trip that Papa was supposed to go on, but her Dad stepped in for him.  They had a wonderful time and came home with more stories than time to share!  And, while they were out, Brie and Sofie got to hang out and make some memories as sisters.  There is such an age gap between them, that these kinds of days are good for them.  Time is ever-passing!

 

Day twenty-six without Dad . . .

 

Heavenly Father, You are creating us anew!  Anew indeed, and yet there's still so much more to go.  I think that's where the daily exhaustion of grieving can come, is when we think about how much longer the journey is ahead.  Whether we wanted to sign up or not, we're on this road, and so we walk.  We walk, moving forward and whatever the day brings we are ready (with You) to go through this new path of life.  If the rain pours, or the sun shines upon us, we will hold your hand and breathe in the air that You are providing each step of the way.  Sometimes it will feel as though we are suffocating, and other times, we will easily fill up our lungs with "the" breath of life!  You are a life giver, and as one bends over to perform lifesaving CPR, so you breathe into us a new life when we feel like we are dying.  Thank you!

Today, started off a bit rough between Andres and I.  There's pain and hurt, and at times it comes out in painful ways.  Ha!  That makes me laugh because why would we ever think that the emotions "PAIN", and "HURT" ever give off something edifying?  Of course those two emotions result in painful actions.  So, we were painful this morning to one another.  Andres feels so betrayed and hurt by losing his father-in-law.  So much ground covered, and so much more to go.  So many plans experienced, so many plans that will never come to fruition.  Instead of Dad attending Katie's field trip this upcoming Saturday, it will be here Daddy.  Instead of Dad assisting Andres in buying his first new car in the year ahead, it will be just Andres.  Instead of Dad being on the receiving end of his text messages about the new things he's experiencing at the mine, it will have to be stories he shares around the dinner table with us girls.  Dad was supposed to be apart of so much, and he's already missed events that were on the calendar between now and the day he passed.  So, it's hard when we think about that, and sometimes we take it out on one another. 

As the day went on, we realized we MUST figure what our "normal" is going to be and because we are the parents, we get to set those guidelines.  That makes it exciting and interesting at the same time.  Andres took Sofie to church, I stayed home with the other two as we finished off a nauseating illness, and by the afternoon time, we were making fresh roasted potatoes, throwing steaks on the grill, and praising You for the life that is before us.  We cannot let the morning we learned of Dad's death, January 17th at 8:22 a.m., define the rest of our lives.  We cannot let the girls grow up and say, "My parents were so united until the morning of...", or us say "We remember our girls being so happy, and joyful until the morning of..."  Life cannot stop.  So, we learn to live with a hole in our hearts and a deeper appreciation for life.  We understand all to well how fast we can be called home.  Our last heartbeat is not a threat to living, rather a promise that it will take place.  How do we want to be found in those last moments?  Living!  I want to die living, so those who I leave behind will talk of such "living" things.  Praying with my Lord, painting my nails, laughing with the girls, enjoying a coffee with Andres, hiking a new trail, washing two dogs, taking a long Sunday nap........those are things I want to be found doing as I take my last breath. 

Lord, as I begin to journal tonight, I began to think about characteristics that define You.  If we are to become more like you, then what characteristics should I be exhibiting for the my family, friends, and community?  I found a list of 60, and I will start there.  I will begin exhibiting and focusing on one at a time, and go from there.  I will ponder the scripture that proves that character quality in You and journal what it's like to become more like You.  I found them on the website: http://seekthisjesus.com/?p=3

So, for tonight and the next couple of days, the quality that I will be working on is . . .

LOVE: 

 Love will enable us to appreciate our brothers and sisters in the Lord, and, of course, our family, and others around us. Love is taking the initiative to build up and meet the needs of others without expecting anything in return. (John 13:1; John 15:13; 1 Corinthians 13:3)

Lord, my prayer is that you will help me appreciate my brothers and sisters in You and those around me.  Help me take the initiative to build up and meet their needs without expecting anything in turn.

AMEN.

Hey, Lord.  I just talked to Andres and he's going to join me in this endeavor to be more like You.  We are going to take "LOVE" for the next three days.  He's going to focus on loving the junior high kids at La Plata Middle School, and I am going to work on loving some of Brie's less than desirable friends and the diabetes patients in Silver City.  Okay......learning to be more like You.  I LOVE that!  :)

Day twenty-two without Dad

Good morning Lord.....Praise You, Praise You, Praise You!!!!!  Your mercies are indeed new each morning.  Today Katie woke up and said, "Mom, I found sunshine again.", and it seems that you are granting that to several other family members!!  It feels like a breakthrough of sorts.  Last night, we had victory when Katie began to talk very candidly with us about Dad's passing and she even watched the slideshow from his funeral service.  There was a FLOOD of tears, but we knew that it was necessary to move to the next step.  There's nothing more the enemy would want then for her to let her light dim out, with the loss of her biggest earthly love- Dad.  Aside from her Mom and Dad, her Papa was the first love of her life and it was her first heartbreak.  The enemy knows this, and he'd love to confuse her about her purpose.  Life needs Katie, and Katie needs life!  You are the life giver and even in death, life is to be had. Eternally!  So, Lord, as much as we have been on our knees begging for the pain to be lifted, today I stand and lift my hands to the Heavens in Praising You for the sunshine!!  After all, Dad's nick name for the girls was "Papa Sunshine." 

Be with Mom today as she visits with a counselor for the first time, and begins to glue back the pieces of her broken heart.  I picture a mosaic piece just waiting to be created!  Create something new in her from all the pieces of her life and grant me the honor of watching it be displayed.  Oh, how the people will want to meet the Artist of such a creation, and I know Mom will give out Your name each and every time!

So, Lord for today, on day 22 without Dad, I give you all my praise for giving us a fresh breath of air.  Thank you for healing Andres, giving Katie sunshine in her heart, givng Brie a spring in her step and just blessing Sofia with continued innocense of a child.  Oh............and THANK YOU for allowing me to see Dad in my dreams last night.  I asked You before I fell asleep to please allow me to see him and hug him one last time, and you granted that!  I want to share with my family members, but not sure if I should.  It felt so great to feel Dad's embrace one more time.  I could feel the crispness of his jacket, and as I wrapped my arms fully around his mid-section (belly as I would refer to it with Dad), I could feel his embrace.  I cried so hard in my dream and found that when I woke up, I was covered in my tears in real life too.  Thank you for such an experience.

With so much love and life today,



Beth

Day twenty without Dad

Dearest Lord,

I am writing you as Andres and I are sitting in the ER at Gila Hospital.  Andres is super sick, round two, with super high fevers and even a delusional state of mind.  He was diagnosed today with the flu, but it just continued to get worse as the night went on.  The girls were scared and their biggest concern was anything happening to their Daddy.  Katie’s heart broke and she just fell apart because the thought of something being wrong with her Daddy, after losing her Papa was more than she could handle.  Brie texted me while I was here and she just misses us being a family of five, more than anything else.  I just glimpsed over at Andres and he looks terrible.  I have never seen him look this way before, over the 18 ½ years that we’ve been together.

Lord, I don’t know what You are allowing come our way, but it’s hard.  We have lost full control of our lives and it just feels like all ground has been removed underneath us.  I am supposed to start a job tomorrow, the girls are going to be out this day or that day, Andres is super ill, we are all grieving the loss of Dad, and the list seems to go on and on.  Maribel left on a plane yesterday for El Salvador, as her mom is dying and though it’s expected, it’s just the timing of it all.  I want to draw my strength from You, and You alone, but I don’t even have strength to draw strength.  It takes energy to do that too. 

Father, this very night, I ask that you be with my family.  Be close to us and see our every move.  Please give us a fresh breath of air and let us refill with some hope and peace that only You can provide.  This is my first letter to You, as I’ve changed my letter writing from Dad, to You.  Be my all in all. 

With love and a desperation for Your presence,

Beth

Day 15 without you Dad

And I've decided to start redirecting these letters to the Lord.  Not because I'm angry, but because it's time to move to the Lord about all of this.  The more I write to you Dad, the harder it becomes to heal.  It took a lot for me to delete your phone number from my cell phone.  Why?  They've already disconnected your phone, and the name "Papa" that appears in my address book only reminds me of the pain that Katie is experiencing.  So, I hit delete and came to terms that our conversations will have to return on the other side of life.  I told Mom last night that it feels like a huge hole in my heart to go from a last text message to never speaking to you again, and then when we do speak, I can't ask about your last moments and what was going on before you took your last breath.  So, for now, I will begin to talk with the Lord about our healing process and I know that you and I will dance for the first time when I take my last breath. 

Since this is your last letter, I want you to know that this healing process stinks.  It stinks because right when you feel the warmth of a healing heart, it gets cold again and the emotions pour forth.  And the thing is, they come at the most random places, with random people and over random things.  I just want to stop crying randomly, but as I've been reading, that will take time.  I just finished reading "The Empty Chair" and it says that we have to choose to sign up for the healing process and once we do, then we can begin the journey to healing.  BUT, until we specifically choose to sign up, it never really begins.  That can take years.  Dad, you never signed up to grieve Nichole nor the loss of a marriage with Sherry.  I wish you had, so that we could have seen the fullness of God's redeeming story of loss and brokenness.  Now you are complete, and you no longer grieve. For that I am joyful for you.

Today, I walked Katie and Sofie into school so that I could talk with the school counselor.  Katie's spirit has been shattered and you would not even recognize her right now.  If you were here, and she was experiencing this kind of pain for a different reason, then you'd call her up and say "Howdy, howdy, howdy. This is Pa-Pa!!!" and of course she'd pull out, laugh and share with you her pain.  That's why it's so hard.  Her "buddy" is gone and she doesn't want to be consoled by anyone else.  She's in denial of your death, and is experiencing depression.  The counselor is going to pull her out weekly to have sessions with her.  He's going to encourage her to talk about her memories of you, and maybe even share a picture of you and her that means so much.  He's going to ask her about memories of you, so that she can recognize the significance of ya'lls relationship and begin to heal.  We are praying for her, and if you could watch over her, then please do.  Please whisper something into her heart and let her recognize that it came from you.  Please!

Nathan and Josh are dealing with a lot anger.  They are mad, sad, and bewildered.  Their wives are left with broken men, and broken hearts of their own.  In time, things will get better and we'll be able to see purpose through all of this, but it's still hard.  I'm so glad that you cannot hear/read all the pain that your one choice has caused the family.  I wouldn't want you to carry this kind of reality.  It would be more than you could bare, so it's best that your in Heaven, forgiven, and FREE. 

Today, mom and I are at the coffee shop, spending our last day together at Javalina.  She has a new laptop, and it has been so good for her to stay connected with everyone.  She is typing on Facebook, and I am blogging.  We both have books out, and two amazing coffees made special by Bart.  I wish you could be here too, but for now I am choosing to accept your absence. 

Later today, we return to Arizona.  Mom, Andres, and Ron will go through your office to clean things out.  That will be very hard, but it's so necessary for Mom to go through each of these steps to close things out.  After that, they are heading to the cemetery to designing your headstone.  These things are so weird to talk about and at times I just swear that you're back in Mesa working and when we bring Mom home, we'll see you.  This life is hard!

Well, Dad, I am going to close out this letter.  I am going to post a few pictures, and as hard as it is going to be to not write specifically to you, I need to write to the Lord.  I need Him so much right now, and He can do something to heal this broken heart/family.  You cannot do anything for us on this side of Heaven.  So, with much love and respect for you, I say good-bye.  I love you with all my heart, and you are forgiven.  I forgive you!  Doesn't mean that anger doesn't pop at times, but it does mean I don't hang on to it.  I let you go and live with your Father!  It's so hard to close this letter out, as much as it was to delete your number.  I still haven't deleted our text messages, but that will come in time.

With much love,

Beth

Day 11 without you Dad

A fresh clean page to write to you.  It's snowing outside, and you would not believe the amazing weather we have seen in just 24 hours.  We have seen two rainbows, rain, gushing waterfalls as they cascade out of the desert mountains, sleet, piercing beams of light through the mountains, and now we have SNOW.  I mean, LOADS of snow!!  Dad, you would've been here tonight to experience this.  Remember?  You were going to be here in town, after my return from the adoption conference.  You guys would've stayed at the good ol' Econolodge in Silver City, and the girls would've gone swimming with you.  These are the realizations that are almost unbearable.  Dad, there was so much more to go, experience, see and do!  The fun and exciting times were only beginning, and you were going to be apart of each one.  I still don't understand, and I am just praying that the Lord will see us through this one and that we all remain in tact.  Just dreading this journey of healing.......absolutely dreading it!!!  I've never been through so much pain that it was going to take a definite amount of time to begin to move on to a new something.  Every where we turn, it's talking about a "new" something.  Isaiah 43:19, songs, cards, even Brie's fortune cookie said to "Prepare for the new adventure ahead."  Now, I know that in itself has nothing to do with what God is doing, but it's the reoccurring theme.  Here's the problem Dad, how in the world do we just find the "new"?

Today when I was straightening up the couch with the pillows, it occurred to me that you are already living out your eternity.  You're already meeting the disciples, dancing with Nichole, talking with Jesus.  That's unfathomable to me!  You're already in eternity, forever?!?!?  No longer a man trapped in a vessel that has aches and pains, rather a spirit enjoying the "place that was prepared for you", as promised by Christ?!? 

Katie told me on the way home to your house that, "....I don't want to make you or Daddy sad, but I just don't want to be here.  I want to go to Heaven too.  I want to see Papa there and it just hurts too bad to stay here."  That statement will be our comfort when the Lord calls her home, but for now, it just pains me to hear that staying behind is almost unbearable.  I have to be honest with you, that when I see her like this, I have to make sure that bitterness is not setting in.  I never want such pain to hit our children, especially from their Papa.  I do forgive you and they would too, it's just hard at times.

Okay, I do have to say that in the midst of it all, today was pretty special.  As I told you earlier, the weather elements have been amazing, and like none other.  Also, Mom and I had some good talk time at Javalina.  We were able to talk quietly with one another some bits and pieces of how we're dealing with the process.  Mom goes through waves of "God is great and He is going to do a new thing."  to "I love him so much and we completed one another."  Oh, the process. 

Also, on top of everything else, when we pulled into town last night, I heard on my voicemail a message from the district.  They had me down for an interview, first thing Monday morning.  I almost called to leave a voicemail that would cancel my appointment, but Andres encouraged me to go.  He knew that I needed to put my make-up on, grab a coffee, and visit with other humans.  I need people and I have been spending most of my time with other mourners.  So, it was good to meet new people and visit with them.  Honestly, I really don't want the bookkeeping job, simply because it's a very new thing, but it was GREAT to interview and get my brain on other things.  It's hard to function on the day-to-day tasks, so it was a feeling of accomplishment when I left the district building.  You would've been proud of me for getting into a daily routine, and you would've been mad for cancelling out on the sweet folks at the admin offices.

Well, Dad, it's 11:33 p.m. and it's getting late.  You used to text me "It's time to sleep." when we would text late back-and-forth.  So, it is time for me to get some rest.  With the amount of snow outside, it looks like I'll have Mom and the girls at home with me tomorrow.  Lots of movies and hot cocoa.  Dad, if you can hear a message from the Holy Spirit in me, or even have the capacity to know about us through this time, please keep Katie's health lifted up.  She's still not doing well, and we want her to thrive once more.  A piece of her died that day, so we're trying to help her find joy once more.

I love you, forgive you, and still don't understand all at the same time!

Beth

Day 9 without you Dad

Well, Dad here we are, one week later.  Our bodies have experienced endless tears to the point where we have burnt marks on our cheeks.  We have hit our legs as we grasp for air through the crying. We've had hurt throats from the screams from the initial shock, and that doesn't begin to mention the cancar sores in our mouths, the sleepless nights, heartburn, puffy faces and so much more.  And now, all the outward stress that has been witnessed by Katie has taken it's toll on Katie.  She has fever, lethargic, and just feels like "sleeping, sleeping".  Dad, this is deep grief and depression.  When will our days get better? 

We have planned out services, made slideshows, fought with one another, drank too much, shut down to no words at all, and so much more.  We have seen no less than 14 people at a time in the house, endless meals, visitors of all sorts, bewildered faces and family members left with so many questions.  Questions of not only "why", but also questions of why we keep talking about your faith and how you loved the Lord.  You loved Him so much, but could never find that internal peace with the pathways He's allowed to come your way. 

Dad, as you would expect, I am reading a book titled "The Empty Chair" and at times, I cannot believe that I am searching for ways to understand this kind of trauma, as it relates to the kind of death we have experienced.  This kind of death has taken it to a whole new level, a level that can feel isolating, embarrassing, and even hopeless.  What did you need from us Dad?  What did you need to hear us say or what could we have done?  You had text messages flooding your in-box, voicemail was full, we moved from Texas to be closer, children checking in, grandkids calling, and the list goes on and on.  What else could we have done?  We spent almost 17 years telling you how much we loved you and how we called you Dad.  We would pull you in on happy moments and turn to you during sad moments.  We loved you............heck, we LOVE you!!

I am reading that this has nothing to do with us, rather it has everything to do with you.  It was your sadness, and parts of your heart that no one could understand or reach that left you feeling this way.  It's odd to think of someone like you feeling like it's simply over.  What do we do with that, Dad?  Did you think about the hearts of everyone around you?  Let's simply begin with Mom.  What about a 54 year-old wife that is now titled "widow"?  What about her walking through the home daily without you there?  What about the bed you share and how it's empty now?  How does she do this, Dad?  You know the journey she has already been down, and now you have added to that.  I love you just the same, but I can't believe you didn't process this one through.  You ALWAYS process things through and you ALWAYS calculate the cost of your decisions.  What about the boys?  What about Joshua Kyle and Nick?  What about Nathan and Josh?  What about me?  What about Katie?  Brie?  Sofie?  Omi?  Kai?  What about neighbors?  Church members?  Co-workers? 

I know that you cannot answer these questions, because if you were at a place of considering each one, you would've been overwhelmed with sadness and the course you would've chosen would have been different.  So, I don't hold these things against you nor do I harbor them deep in my heart, but there are questions nonetheless. 

Eighteen months of pain, they say!  Dad, we have eighteen months of pain to push through, and if we try to cut it short through medication or alcohol, we push it back that much further.  Can you imagine the journey ahead?  It's a forced journey and we will make it through, but it's tiresome to think of eighteen more months of anguish.  I wish it could hit at once, and we could feel the pain for two days and then done.  I know that after the eighteen months are finished, there will still be much more to go, just not the kind of sting we feel now.

Tonight, Judy and Stan put us in a hotel to give the five us some space from everyone and everything.  The girls miss their mom and dad, so it's nice tonight to not only hug one another in a cold, hotel room with great accommodations, but it's also nice to write again to you.  I've been waiting for this moment and praying that I will not forget what I feel so that when I had access to the internet once more, I could remember what I want to say. 

We are all so wiped!  Our bodies have gone through so much, and Monday is coming too quickly.  Everyone has to report to work/school and the frontage road to the highway of pain is coming to an end.  We are going to have to get onto the highway and start living through the grief, while living "normal" life.  I never want this kind of frontage road again, and pray for the Lord's return before I ever experience such pain.

As I am writing this, I am listening to the Pandora, and it's the instrumental praise station.  The song playing is "Because He lives, I Can Face Tomorrow.....life is worth the living, just because He lives."

I'm ending on that note.....

With so much love, forgiveness, and heartbreak,

Beth

Day 1 without you Dad

Dad,

It's 11 p.m. and I'm not sure why I'm writing this to you.  Today we found out that you are no longer with us, and our hearts can barely digest the news.  It feels so weird to think that this is not a text message, in which I hit send, and you hit reply.  Nor is this a phone call where I say, "Hey Dad, it's Beth", as if you didn't already know, and you say, "Hey Beth"  You're gone!  I can't believe that you are not here. 

Dad, as if the pain was not hard on mom and I as we heard the news after dropping off the girls at school, but it was even harder to tell the girls.  They love you so much and miss you already!  They wanted to say good-bye.  You and Katie had a rock field trip next month and you didn't get to see her arrowhead.  Dad, we were supposed to ride back from Tuscon to Silver City together from the airport.  Remember?  I just told you yesterday how I was looking forward to that trip and I told you to prepare yourself because, "I have lots of questions", and you replied, "Yes, I know you do.  You always do."  We even reminisced about the day you took me to try out for "Deal or No Deal". 

I am without words.  I need to write to you, as if in some weird way, you could write back.  How can death be so final?  How are we supposed to pick up the shattered pieces of sadness and make them whole again?  What do we do with reappearing memories of your face?  Or memories of being together?  Memories are supposed to make you feel better, but they hurt me.  They remind me of what we had and what we will never have again. 

Dad, Christmas was so wonderful.  I loved seeing you.  The girls loved being with you.  Andres loved talking with you.  Dad, he left Architecture and is now in your industry!!!!!!  How do we deal with that?  Before, we would've never have seen a mine, but now it's our livelihood.  And now you're not here to be apart of that?  This was your whole life, mining, and now that we have to live and breathe it, you're not here?  We just moved here a month ago.  And now you're gone? 

My heart is crushed and Katie has so many questions.  She sat on her Daddy's knee and has so many questions.  Brianne thought we were lying to her because it just doesn't feel real.  It didn't hit her until later in the evening and then she bursted out into painful tears. 

And there's Mom.  Dad, Mom is broken, crushed, and yet she knows.  She knows that the Lord is with her and with us.  She knows you are whole, complete and without any pain.  You can run through the fields of grace, and hold onto the hand that gave you life.  You can see Nichole, as a complete and whole person, and then there's Grandpa George and Papa Mike.

Where do we go from here?  Josh is on his way with Andres from El Paso Airport, my in-laws are with us, and the house keeps getting more and more full.  But you're not here.  Oh Dad, I don't want to stop writing to you because I know that when I close out this post and shut down the computer, I have to go to sleep and then I have to wake up.

I love you, and I miss you! 

Beth

I Thess.4:1-11 simplified.....

Moving ahead of this Sunday's sermon: 

I Thessalonians 4:1-12

v. 1-5 (tells us to live to please God)
           *  be sanctified
           *  avoid sexual immorality
           *  control your body in a way that is holy-not in lust

v.8 (When you do not do the above; it is not against your parents, grandparents, friends, youth leader, pastor, boss.............rather it's against God.)

v.11 (Life Ambition should be....)
          *  lead a quiet life
          *  mind your own business
          *  work with your hands to win respect with outsiders and so that you do not depend on others


It felt great to get into the Word tonight, and of course I love it when it's easy to put into simple terms.  I can see that I need to live to please God through sanctification, avoiding sexual immorality, and controlling my body.  My life's ambition comes with living a quiet life, minding my own business, and working with my hands to provide for me and my family.

Random Picture.....Random Post

It's almost a writer's dream.  Ha!  Did I just make reference to myself as a writer?  Well, I shouldn't.  I should say that it's a journalist's dream to have such an evening.  I consider myself more of a journalist, than a writer.  Not because it was my minor in college, but rather I document things that take place or even ponder on actual events.  A writer has a deep imagination that can take others into story lines that are beyond their imagination.  I can only write about the here and now.

Okay, back to the dreamy part.  It's the perfect time to write.  It's 12:27 a.m., I just had a very warm bath, I'm tucked under my favorite blanket (with sherpa on one side), and the house is silent.  I am left only to my thoughts, a keyboard and the ability to get things written down. 

Sofie asked me the other day, when she was sick, why I am "texting".  What she meant is why am I on this familiar page with a dashboard and editing options, known as "Blogger.com"  Well, I told her that I like to write things down for her and her sisters.  I am a firm believer that a gift that will outlast this 62.5 inch frame are my words.  It will be a lasting gift to leave them words from their mom that the Lord laid on her heart, or reflections from the day's events, or even random jottings like this one.

There's so much that I could write about this midnight.  I could go on about the new friend Brie met, named Olivia, and how refreshing it was to Brie to meet another like-minded girl.  I could talk about how we visited a church today and it felt like home.  The other one we were visiting was great, and the people were nice, but something just wasn't locking into place for us.  I might even write about the wonderful evening we had as a family and how we parted ways to our room with a reading from "God's Grace for the Day", and how it reminded us that the moment we took the Lord as our Savior, we were bestowed millions of resources that others do not have.  Then, I could ponder on the Nevils family and how I am amazed at Steve's ability to keep living out each day.  One part of him is already in eternity (Katy), one part of him is in a hospital room for the past 55 days, and one part of him is staying with family.  Nothing is together, and yet, he knows God is sovereign. 

Perhaps, I will remember the talk the Lord and I had this morning while I was getting ready for church.  He reminded me, as He has been for the past five weeks, to enjoy the moment because work will come all too soon.  Why can't I rest in that and really BREATHE in the moments instead of anticipating employment?  Well, I asked Him to forgive me of that, and now I'm ready this week to REST in His presence!!!

And, maybe I'll just let a little random writing take place, and begin to close out this post.  I hear Brie stirring, which she does often (light sleeper), and Andres' phone just buzzed (a new e-mail).  Maybe it's time to just rest and prepare this body for a bright and early morning.  The girls' feet will hit the floor quicker than I'd like and the daily routines will begin.  For now, thank you Jesus for this very day!  Thank you for Brianne, Katherine, and Sofia.  Thank you for two biological girls that I experienced from pregnancy on, and one that we pursued fervently.  AND, thank you for Andres' heart.  The kind of heart that says "yes" to the hard stuff and "no" when it would be easier to say "yes"

With love,

Beth

P.S.  As I was booting up the computer, I found this picture on my desktop.  It was from 2  years ago.  It was Western Day at Tate Springs Christian School and Sofia Margaret was the prettiest cowgirl I ever did see.  You should've seen her perform!  I thought it would be fun to just post this random picture to this random post. 

Sofie's Sick....good for me

My favorite moment are sometimes are not the very best of days for someone else.  Take today.  Sofia is sick, and yet it's my favorite moment.  It's not so good for her, but oh so great for me.  I get to hold her, tuck her in, brush her hair behind her ears, fix a special drink and meal, and tell her I love her all day. 

We get to catch up on the princess movie world, and I get a chance to rest too. 

Sweet Sofia......resting with her Belle dog (which was born when she was), and her Daddy's camouflaged Snuggie that Mimi and Papa bought him. 

Annie, the enemy, and Daisy

It was early the other morning and we heard sudden barking coming from our front porch.  It was from Annie, our 1/2 Chihuahua, 1/2 Rat Terrier.  I have to post a picture because the one thing that just really stands out about this unexpected gift that came into our life, are the MASSIVE ears that come from the top of her little head. 

Annie barks only when she sees something worth talking about, so Brie got up to check things out.  When she went to the front window, she saw a huge coyote just below the hill.  The coyote was scouting Annie and considering all costs to taking her.  Brie called out to us and when she did, it startled the coyote.  He moved to the back of our yard, in the high weeded fields that slop to our back patio.  He assumed position to continue his considerations.  He literally had his eye on Annie, even though we were in close proximity.  He was huge.  In Texas our coyotes were skinny and appeared to be lacking  food.  Not this mountain coyote.  He was well fed, and Annie was his next meal. 

BUT, do you know what kept him from grabbing Annie and running off into the Gila National Forest?  Daisy's presence.  You see, sitting quietly right next to Annie, also watching the coyote, was our four-year-old boxer.  She didn't have to say a word, bulk up her chest or even chase the enemy away.  All she had to do was stand by her adopted sister! 

When I realized this, it reminded me of how we are to stand next to our brothers or sisters-in-Christ!  How, if by simply standing by their side when they are being prowled upon by the enemy, we could save a life.  We can give them strength hope, and a sense of security.  Just our presence!  We don't have to say a word, nor fluff our feathers.  All we have to do is let the enemy know that our dear friend/family member is not for the taking, so go elsewhere! 

I love this!  Thank you dear friend for the times that you've stood next to me while the enemy was lurking outside, waiting for a weak moment! 

A lesson in Black Range Mountains . . .

Before I forget what the Lord revealed to me during yesterday's drive, I must hurry and type it out.  It's 6:43 a.m., the girls are sleeping, but are sure to rise shortly.  I have my cup-of-coffee in tote, the scripture for today and so much to get out.  So without further delay...

We went to El Paso yesterday in hopes of shopping at Costco.  Options for bulk shopping in Silver City is a bit scarce, so we finally loaded up the car and headed to Texas.  It was so weird to cross the New Mexico/ Texas border and know that we were still about 10 hours away from our family and friends.  No chance for a visit yesterday, but it was fun to think we were on the same soil.

Anyway, we get to Costco and it was closed.  Us girls laughed silently because we knew how upset Andres was.  He thought it said they'd be open on-line, but instead of it being open on New Year's Day, it was New Year's Eve.  So, we dished out a bunch of grace, which wasn't hard to do because we LOVE to hit the road for a day trip, and we headed over to the Dollar Tree (which was a treat in itself), and had lunch at Taco Cabana. 

After our El Paso lunch and excursion to the Dollar Tree, we stopped by a mall, which only made us long for Silver City that much more.  We have realized on these little outings that we really don't miss mass shopping, cars or people.  We love our quiet town, with long conversations and odd stores to pick up things.  Well, on the way home, Andres took us the very scenic route, to surprise us girls.  I'm tellin' ya....us girls love a road trip.  We love stopping by for a  fountain drink, and snack of choice, and then taking off our shoes and looking out the window.  WE ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT! 

The scenic route he took was down 152, after traveling a bit down 25.  We first drove through this quaint town of Hillsboro, NM, and then low and behold mountains!!  Aaahhhh.......there's nothing like the feeling of escalation.  I love hearing the low gears kick in, and the car revving up a bit more as it struggles to climb.  Up, up, and up we went.  We saw some of the most beautiful views of the Black Range Mountains.  It was amazing!! 

It was amazing, and then something began to happen.  The sun set quickly and there we were in the middle of this range of mountains, unfamiliar to us, and the further we climbed, we discovered snow/ice.  Now we were driving 10 miles an hour and with every sharp turn, I was just praying and even pushing out very gory thoughts that kept running through my mind.  All I could see was a HUGE black hole on either side of us.  It was so intense. When we got home, I looked up the stats for this mountain.  Parts of it reach 10,200 feet.  Yikes!  Here's a picture I found on-line and as any picture of creation, it doesn't really do it justice. 

That's when the Lord spoke.  He pointed out how relaxed the girls were.  In fact, they were having a great time.  Katie was putting on a puppet show for Sofie, with the Dollar Tree items she purchased, Brie was listening to her iPod while catching glimpses out her window and Sofie was just relaxed as anything.  You see, God wants to drive the vehicle of our life.  He is the safe, cautious driver of this vehicle I call Elizabeth Anne.  He never intended for me to sit up front with Him because the overall views of what would be ahead are way too intense.  It's somewhat scary, frightening, and given the chance I'd want to turn around.  He wants me to relax in the back, take in the views from the vantage point He has given me, and trust Him when we go up, or when we head down, are all the bends in the road that sometimes we take.  When I realized this, I realized how often we try to be His front seat passenger, and how little we enjoy the ride He takes us on.  We want to tell Him to slow down, be careful, watch out, not that way, what about here, can we stop and the list goes on. 

The girls had no idea of all the scary possibilities!!!  They loved our time in the Black Range Mountains, and they would not have settled for the flat surfaces through Highway 10. 

I love Him so much!  I thank Him for taking me on the adventurous drives of life and teaching me as we head through treacherous parts.  And I pray that I am never accustomed to the creation He has made for you and me.