Since this is your last letter, I want you to know that this healing process stinks. It stinks because right when you feel the warmth of a healing heart, it gets cold again and the emotions pour forth. And the thing is, they come at the most random places, with random people and over random things. I just want to stop crying randomly, but as I've been reading, that will take time. I just finished reading "The Empty Chair" and it says that we have to choose to sign up for the healing process and once we do, then we can begin the journey to healing. BUT, until we specifically choose to sign up, it never really begins. That can take years. Dad, you never signed up to grieve Nichole nor the loss of a marriage with Sherry. I wish you had, so that we could have seen the fullness of God's redeeming story of loss and brokenness. Now you are complete, and you no longer grieve. For that I am joyful for you.
Today, I walked Katie and Sofie into school so that I could talk with the school counselor. Katie's spirit has been shattered and you would not even recognize her right now. If you were here, and she was experiencing this kind of pain for a different reason, then you'd call her up and say "Howdy, howdy, howdy. This is Pa-Pa!!!" and of course she'd pull out, laugh and share with you her pain. That's why it's so hard. Her "buddy" is gone and she doesn't want to be consoled by anyone else. She's in denial of your death, and is experiencing depression. The counselor is going to pull her out weekly to have sessions with her. He's going to encourage her to talk about her memories of you, and maybe even share a picture of you and her that means so much. He's going to ask her about memories of you, so that she can recognize the significance of ya'lls relationship and begin to heal. We are praying for her, and if you could watch over her, then please do. Please whisper something into her heart and let her recognize that it came from you. Please!Nathan and Josh are dealing with a lot anger. They are mad, sad, and bewildered. Their wives are left with broken men, and broken hearts of their own. In time, things will get better and we'll be able to see purpose through all of this, but it's still hard. I'm so glad that you cannot hear/read all the pain that your one choice has caused the family. I wouldn't want you to carry this kind of reality. It would be more than you could bare, so it's best that your in Heaven, forgiven, and FREE.
Today, mom and I are at the coffee shop, spending our last day together at Javalina. She has a new laptop, and it has been so good for her to stay connected with everyone. She is typing on Facebook, and I am blogging. We both have books out, and two amazing coffees made special by Bart. I wish you could be here too, but for now I am choosing to accept your absence.
Later today, we return to Arizona. Mom, Andres, and Ron will go through your office to clean things out. That will be very hard, but it's so necessary for Mom to go through each of these steps to close things out. After that, they are heading to the cemetery to designing your headstone. These things are so weird to talk about and at times I just swear that you're back in Mesa working and when we bring Mom home, we'll see you. This life is hard!
Well, Dad, I am going to close out this letter. I am going to post a few pictures, and as hard as it is going to be to not write specifically to you, I need to write to the Lord. I need Him so much right now, and He can do something to heal this broken heart/family. You cannot do anything for us on this side of Heaven. So, with much love and respect for you, I say good-bye. I love you with all my heart, and you are forgiven. I forgive you! Doesn't mean that anger doesn't pop at times, but it does mean I don't hang on to it. I let you go and live with your Father! It's so hard to close this letter out, as much as it was to delete your number. I still haven't deleted our text messages, but that will come in time.
With much love,
Beth
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