Day twenty-six without Dad . . .

 

Heavenly Father, You are creating us anew!  Anew indeed, and yet there's still so much more to go.  I think that's where the daily exhaustion of grieving can come, is when we think about how much longer the journey is ahead.  Whether we wanted to sign up or not, we're on this road, and so we walk.  We walk, moving forward and whatever the day brings we are ready (with You) to go through this new path of life.  If the rain pours, or the sun shines upon us, we will hold your hand and breathe in the air that You are providing each step of the way.  Sometimes it will feel as though we are suffocating, and other times, we will easily fill up our lungs with "the" breath of life!  You are a life giver, and as one bends over to perform lifesaving CPR, so you breathe into us a new life when we feel like we are dying.  Thank you!

Today, started off a bit rough between Andres and I.  There's pain and hurt, and at times it comes out in painful ways.  Ha!  That makes me laugh because why would we ever think that the emotions "PAIN", and "HURT" ever give off something edifying?  Of course those two emotions result in painful actions.  So, we were painful this morning to one another.  Andres feels so betrayed and hurt by losing his father-in-law.  So much ground covered, and so much more to go.  So many plans experienced, so many plans that will never come to fruition.  Instead of Dad attending Katie's field trip this upcoming Saturday, it will be here Daddy.  Instead of Dad assisting Andres in buying his first new car in the year ahead, it will be just Andres.  Instead of Dad being on the receiving end of his text messages about the new things he's experiencing at the mine, it will have to be stories he shares around the dinner table with us girls.  Dad was supposed to be apart of so much, and he's already missed events that were on the calendar between now and the day he passed.  So, it's hard when we think about that, and sometimes we take it out on one another. 

As the day went on, we realized we MUST figure what our "normal" is going to be and because we are the parents, we get to set those guidelines.  That makes it exciting and interesting at the same time.  Andres took Sofie to church, I stayed home with the other two as we finished off a nauseating illness, and by the afternoon time, we were making fresh roasted potatoes, throwing steaks on the grill, and praising You for the life that is before us.  We cannot let the morning we learned of Dad's death, January 17th at 8:22 a.m., define the rest of our lives.  We cannot let the girls grow up and say, "My parents were so united until the morning of...", or us say "We remember our girls being so happy, and joyful until the morning of..."  Life cannot stop.  So, we learn to live with a hole in our hearts and a deeper appreciation for life.  We understand all to well how fast we can be called home.  Our last heartbeat is not a threat to living, rather a promise that it will take place.  How do we want to be found in those last moments?  Living!  I want to die living, so those who I leave behind will talk of such "living" things.  Praying with my Lord, painting my nails, laughing with the girls, enjoying a coffee with Andres, hiking a new trail, washing two dogs, taking a long Sunday nap........those are things I want to be found doing as I take my last breath. 

Lord, as I begin to journal tonight, I began to think about characteristics that define You.  If we are to become more like you, then what characteristics should I be exhibiting for the my family, friends, and community?  I found a list of 60, and I will start there.  I will begin exhibiting and focusing on one at a time, and go from there.  I will ponder the scripture that proves that character quality in You and journal what it's like to become more like You.  I found them on the website: http://seekthisjesus.com/?p=3

So, for tonight and the next couple of days, the quality that I will be working on is . . .

LOVE: 

 Love will enable us to appreciate our brothers and sisters in the Lord, and, of course, our family, and others around us. Love is taking the initiative to build up and meet the needs of others without expecting anything in return. (John 13:1; John 15:13; 1 Corinthians 13:3)

Lord, my prayer is that you will help me appreciate my brothers and sisters in You and those around me.  Help me take the initiative to build up and meet their needs without expecting anything in turn.

AMEN.

Hey, Lord.  I just talked to Andres and he's going to join me in this endeavor to be more like You.  We are going to take "LOVE" for the next three days.  He's going to focus on loving the junior high kids at La Plata Middle School, and I am going to work on loving some of Brie's less than desirable friends and the diabetes patients in Silver City.  Okay......learning to be more like You.  I LOVE that!  :)