Sixty three days since Dad passed

Lord, You are still so good, even 63 days since the death of Dad.  You have been gracious, patient, calming, firm, and endlessly compassionate.  I haven't written in a while, as the days have been passing me quickly, and honestly I have forgotten to write.

Lord, before I began tonight's post, I reread through the initial postings since Dad died, and it's amazing to see how far You have brought each one of us.  I see how Katie's body healed from the depth of agony, how Mom has seen brighter days (even on the mission trip to Mexico), we are seeing Silver City as truly our home, and the list goes on and on.  I had forgotten about all the initial pain of groaning deeply over Dad's death.  I forgot about the burnt cheeks from salty tears, the abdominal pain, cancar sores and so much more.  You truly have been walking with us, and guess what?  We are actually starting to have some type of routine.

I admitted to Andres today that I spent some time looking in the rear view mirror of life.  I literally looked up all our old things, jobs/house/etc. and entertained the thought of moving backing into life as if we had never left.  Forgive me!  I don't really want to do that, but emotionally at times, I do.  I long for the life we had before all the uprooting, even if it was monotonous.   We have definitly seen why You have placed us here and Your will for our lives is only playing out more and more each day.  Again, being obedient in the simplest of things, turns into huge ministry opportunities.

Since Dad passed, we have hosted three families for dinner, taken a few weekend trips to Arizona and the White Sands, started a girl's Bible Study, and so much more.  This Sunday an entire family of five girls and the parents, are coming to church.  I really hope they make it!!!  I know that You alone can take a nasty situation like this and turn it into a beautiful story.  I pray for each of my family members, sweet loved ones, that are finding their ways to grieve.  I pray they continue to turn to You, and not from You, and they feel Your hope take up residence in their hearts. 

Thank You for all You've done, and will continue to do.  I am learning more and more each day of what it means to serve You, live for You, and die to self.  I really do not want to go through painful experiences, like this one, but I am thankful for the fruit that has come from it.  This is such a side note, but thank you for making my birthday a very special one this year.  I was dreading it because it fell on a Wednesday, which every Wednesday since Dad's passing as been a terrible one. You truly allowed me to celebrate my birth at the eight week mark of Dad's death, and it actually turned out to be wonderful!!  Thank you for that, Lord!

For now, simply because I am so tired, goodnight.  I love You with all of my heart!  Wrap Your everlasting arms around my Dad and tell him that I gave him that one!!!  Tell him that we are doing well, and that I journal from time to time so that I will not forget Your faithfulness in such pain.  Please allow Katie to have one good dream of Dad, as a whole/complete man, and let it be magical like the old times.  It's been painful for her to see him alouf, "gloomy", "distant", and "just not himself". 

Goodnight my Lord,

Beth

Two months this Thursday . . .

“Though the sorrow may last for the night, Your joy comes in the morning.”

This is truly the promise that I have to rely on from time to time.  I seem to do oh so well, and then a night comes like last night, and my pillow finds itself wet once more with salty tears.  I get tired of crying and being so sensitive.  I told Andres last night that my heart feels like a fresh wound.  The bleeding, and extreme pain is gone, but the sting of the fresh skin hurts when it gets rubbed the wrong way.  Do you know what I’m talking about?  The kind of fresh wound that has new skin exposed and you have to wear pants because it’s still cold outside, so every time you move your legs, it just scraps that new skin and stings once more.  It’s not until we put on a fresh BAND-AID that we can bare the movement against our wound. That’s exactly how I feel!!  Yesterday, my BAND-AID was wearing off, and almost every move I made, it was rubbing against it and causing unwanted/unexpected tears to just fall.  I feel so bad for the new people around me.  They don’t know me any other way!

Lord, I just have to believe in You because if I don’t trust that You still have me in Your plan, I have no reason to carry on with my faith.  I have no reason to encourage others about their pain and wounds and I certainly have no reason to stay close to You.  I know that You are doing something new, but it hurts so bad, and honestly at times I feel hurt by You.  I just feel like You may be watching from a distance from time to time, and all I really want is to feel your ever present presence!!!!!  I need You, Lord, I need You and my family does too.  We CANNOT function in the day-to-day plans without You.  Please continue to hear the cry of our hearts, even if our pain is not expressed through tears, see whatever action of pain we have and respond!!!  And, Lord, You have!!!  You have already responded, so many times!!  You did this morning and I appreciate it so much.  I could feel your mercies, oh so new mercies. 

May this day be given to You, through substituting the seventh grade class at La Plata.  May Your presence abound, through and around me and the class that I am in today.  Let them feel something new, and question down the road what that was!

With much affection,

 

Beth

Same day....another story of God's surprises

So, that was Josh’s story of how God touched him on his first Sunday back.  Here’s mine.  For five years, I have been desperately trying to get to a potter’s wheel so I could quietly watch a potter form a vessel from a lump of clay.  My favorite imagery from the Bible is where God is our potter and we are His clay and when we yield to His hand, He can do mighty things.  This message has spoken to me at different seasons of my life, and since the death of Dad, I feel as if I’m being remolded in some new way yet I couldn’t put my finger on what process of creating the pottery am I in…………UNTIL Sunday! 

Our new church home, which we just joined on Sunday, had a special speaker visiting and guess what?!?!?  Guess what was sitting right there on the stage as we entered into service?  A POTTER’S WHEEL!!!! And furthermore, guess what our guest speaker was?  A Pastor and Potter.  How appropriate, don’t you think?  So, for one hour, I got to join in with our new congregation, as we watched this potter form a new vessel from a thick, moist lump of clay.  He talked ever so assuredly how this whole process of creating a new vessel is like our relationship with Christ.  And guess what part of the creating my family is in right now?  The furnace!  We are being fired up so that the Lord can use us for many purposes, far greater than we could ever imagine, but to be useful, we have to be placed into the furnace.  We feel at times the Potter has forgotten about us or that the temperature is just too hot for our vessel, but the potter knows His purposes for us and what temperature to allow so that it can be complete.  We are not broken pieces of a clay pot that needs to be swept up and redone, rather in the process of being used!

 

 

So, I wait, along with my mom, brothers, husband, sisters, children, and friends as the Potter does His thing.  I will eagerly wait for Him to open the door to the other end of the furnace and take me out and use me for His glory. 

Here is a picture of the pitcher I bought from Brother Dave so that I never forget this past Sunday.  It’s the day I’ve been longing (visually seeing a potter at the wheel) for many years, and now the Lord sends it to me, right in my church home, while we’re in the furnace.  Is He not so tender in how He surprises us with His great gifts?!?  I was dreading going to church in fear of uncontrollable tears (seems to happen a lot lately), but all along the Lord was just waiting with bated breath for me to see my surprise.  He couldn’t wait for me to hurry through the snow, get the girls situated and take my seat.  Thank you Jesus for showing us LOVE as it means to us.  Once again, so personal. 

One month and a week. . .

Family and friends, I have to share a fingerprint from God that was discovered yesterday morning during church, in East Texas.  If you remember, I posted last week that I woke up to Katie’s reading of Jonah 4, and her revelation of the vine and how she must tend to it and ask God not how He can grant her desires, rather how she can serve Him.  Well, yesterday was my brother’s and my first Sunday back to church since our Dad passed away five weeks ago.  Little did we both know that we were both dreading the possible emotions that would come by attending our church homes and how we both had to be obedient in attending yesterday.  Josh was dreading the questions that everyone had about Dad’s passing, and I was dreading a possible crying session in the midst of service.  We both went, and we both returned with HUGE stories.  I will share Joshua’s first and then later this afternoon I will share my story.

(Josh, Katie, and Sofie in Tyler of 2007 before a lake trip)

 

Josh arrived in Sunday School and the teacher said, “Today, we will be looking at Jonah, chapter 4.”  Enough said!!!  Need I say more about the fingerprint and miracle!  When was the last time you walked into SS class and it’s specifically over Jonah 4?  Here Katie had her revelation last Thursday, and then her uncle would be greeted with the same message from his chair in SS class.  He was blown away, even before they began to read the passage.  Here, his little niece encouraged him last week with her words and truths, and then the dreaded Sunday comes and because he follows in obedience, he is welcomed (from the Lord) with the very same passage.  He could not believe it and it showed him that our Heavenly Father knows the pains we face, but in those moments He surprises and refreshes our spirits in a very personal way. 

Josh and Katie, uncle and niece, brother and sister-in-Christ, talked about this unique experience on the phone last night for quite some time.  It was a meeting of the minds, and spirits that go beyond age!  Thank you Lord for being consistent in the message and for creating a full circle through Your Word.  From Jonah, to Katie, to Josh, You make your words relevant and personal throughout all generations.

If you read Jonah 4:1-11, you will see why it’s such a powerful message during such a time as this. 

One month....three days

Good late night to you Lord!  It's 11:33 p.m. and the house sits still.  It's so quiet and I wish there  was a better time for me to journal with you.  I wish I could rise before dawn, and spend time with the words You breathed onto Life's Manuscript, talk with You and even write to You.  Nighttime comes, and it just seems to suit me better.  Everyone is quiet, resting, which brings a sense of rest to me as well, and the thoughts of the day can just flow onto the keyboard before I begin to close my eyes.  I guess it becomes more of reflection at this time of day, rather than anticipation!  Although, You know that I do anticipate each day.

So, Lord, where are we?  You and I, on this new journey?  Well, I can say that You freed us to spend time as a family today amongst the amazing rock formations at the City of Rocks in NM.  Though we did not sit on the pews of our new church home this morning, we sat on the rocks that You created way before our time and just enjoyed Your creation.  According to Your Word:

Luke 19:40

Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

⁴⁰ He answered, “I tell you, if they were to keep silent, the stones would cry out!”

Lord, the very rocks that we walked upon, layed out on, and fellowshiped on, will cry out Your name if we keep silent!  I cannot begin to fathom the boulders that were layered upon layer, and then resting upon solid stone, crying out Your name because your children have gone dormant.  Absolute stone, cold rocks releasing sounds to praise Your Holy name.  What a thought too grandiose for me to even comprehend!  I pray Lord that I will not stay silent when it comes to who You are, nor what You are!

You know, I wish I would've remembered this scripture when we were out there today so that I could've shared it with Andres and the girls.  I will have to share this with them in the morning.  I also thank you for the visual of the power of prayer.  Today, the passenger window would not roll up, and I told Andres that the past two times this happened to me, I had to pray and plea with You to please allow the window to roll back up.  He was getting so frustrated, and then Katie said, "Dad, mom told you how to handle the problem.  Pray!"  Well, in a half-hearted way, he begin to ask you out loud to roll up the window and then it happened......the answer to prayer!  The window returned to it's upright position and we all got a first-hand reminder of the power of prayer, even over the smallest of things.  So, thank You!

Well, we are one month, and three days since Dad's passing and I have to say that it has been getting easier.  I hate that guilt comes with the feelings of freedom, but I also have to remind myself that guilt is NOT of You.  Conviction comes from You, and there is not conviction in allowing You to mend our broken hearts to have the power to live in the ever present moments of the day.  So, I will remember that when I find myself feeling guilty over enjoying life's pleasures, like today's trip to see the rocks, that the enjoyment that I feel is actually an answer to prayer!  It's growth, not regression or a problem.  It's maturity in knowing that I have such a short time to live the rest of my life, so to waste it moment by moment with sadness, is actually less pleasing to You. 

I love You so much and I know that You will continue to take our days and make them count on an eternity sized scale.  I want to continue on with life, but remembering the scar of pain that was left, so that I don't forget the pain others feel as they walk through their journey.  I want to be an example to the girls, and yet, I've been finding through this grieving process that they are more of an example to us on how to grieve.  Their resilience seems to represent the childlike faith You beckon us to have.  If they are to be my examples, then I should find laughter once more in baking white cakes, topped with pink-lemonade frosting.  Or spotting deer and acting like it's the first time.  I need to remember to cry when I feel like crying, but once it's out, then return to my favorite cooking show for new ideas to feed my family.  Life has so many treats along the way, and I don't want to settle for a basket-full of rotting food.  You have so much more in store for us!  Use us Lord beyond such a tragedy and let us be a blessing to those around us!

With so much anticipation of tomorrow and gratitude in my heart for today,

Beth

P.S. I'll upload pictures of today's outing tomorrow, but for now, here's a picture of Mom and I from this past week.  Thank you Jesus for giving us special Mom/Daughter moments through all of this.  I love her so much and though she reminds me over and over again that I brought her life when I was born, I KNOW that she brought me life by choosing life.  So many around her wanted something different because she was such a young mom, but she knew in her heart that You wove a gift into her womb (and that was before she knew You even).  Also, You allowed Katie to pick up her love of rocks once more.  She attended her first field trip with Andres.  This was the field trip that Papa was supposed to go on, but her Dad stepped in for him.  They had a wonderful time and came home with more stories than time to share!  And, while they were out, Brie and Sofie got to hang out and make some memories as sisters.  There is such an age gap between them, that these kinds of days are good for them.  Time is ever-passing!

 

Day twenty-six without Dad . . .

 

Heavenly Father, You are creating us anew!  Anew indeed, and yet there's still so much more to go.  I think that's where the daily exhaustion of grieving can come, is when we think about how much longer the journey is ahead.  Whether we wanted to sign up or not, we're on this road, and so we walk.  We walk, moving forward and whatever the day brings we are ready (with You) to go through this new path of life.  If the rain pours, or the sun shines upon us, we will hold your hand and breathe in the air that You are providing each step of the way.  Sometimes it will feel as though we are suffocating, and other times, we will easily fill up our lungs with "the" breath of life!  You are a life giver, and as one bends over to perform lifesaving CPR, so you breathe into us a new life when we feel like we are dying.  Thank you!

Today, started off a bit rough between Andres and I.  There's pain and hurt, and at times it comes out in painful ways.  Ha!  That makes me laugh because why would we ever think that the emotions "PAIN", and "HURT" ever give off something edifying?  Of course those two emotions result in painful actions.  So, we were painful this morning to one another.  Andres feels so betrayed and hurt by losing his father-in-law.  So much ground covered, and so much more to go.  So many plans experienced, so many plans that will never come to fruition.  Instead of Dad attending Katie's field trip this upcoming Saturday, it will be here Daddy.  Instead of Dad assisting Andres in buying his first new car in the year ahead, it will be just Andres.  Instead of Dad being on the receiving end of his text messages about the new things he's experiencing at the mine, it will have to be stories he shares around the dinner table with us girls.  Dad was supposed to be apart of so much, and he's already missed events that were on the calendar between now and the day he passed.  So, it's hard when we think about that, and sometimes we take it out on one another. 

As the day went on, we realized we MUST figure what our "normal" is going to be and because we are the parents, we get to set those guidelines.  That makes it exciting and interesting at the same time.  Andres took Sofie to church, I stayed home with the other two as we finished off a nauseating illness, and by the afternoon time, we were making fresh roasted potatoes, throwing steaks on the grill, and praising You for the life that is before us.  We cannot let the morning we learned of Dad's death, January 17th at 8:22 a.m., define the rest of our lives.  We cannot let the girls grow up and say, "My parents were so united until the morning of...", or us say "We remember our girls being so happy, and joyful until the morning of..."  Life cannot stop.  So, we learn to live with a hole in our hearts and a deeper appreciation for life.  We understand all to well how fast we can be called home.  Our last heartbeat is not a threat to living, rather a promise that it will take place.  How do we want to be found in those last moments?  Living!  I want to die living, so those who I leave behind will talk of such "living" things.  Praying with my Lord, painting my nails, laughing with the girls, enjoying a coffee with Andres, hiking a new trail, washing two dogs, taking a long Sunday nap........those are things I want to be found doing as I take my last breath. 

Lord, as I begin to journal tonight, I began to think about characteristics that define You.  If we are to become more like you, then what characteristics should I be exhibiting for the my family, friends, and community?  I found a list of 60, and I will start there.  I will begin exhibiting and focusing on one at a time, and go from there.  I will ponder the scripture that proves that character quality in You and journal what it's like to become more like You.  I found them on the website: http://seekthisjesus.com/?p=3

So, for tonight and the next couple of days, the quality that I will be working on is . . .

LOVE: 

 Love will enable us to appreciate our brothers and sisters in the Lord, and, of course, our family, and others around us. Love is taking the initiative to build up and meet the needs of others without expecting anything in return. (John 13:1; John 15:13; 1 Corinthians 13:3)

Lord, my prayer is that you will help me appreciate my brothers and sisters in You and those around me.  Help me take the initiative to build up and meet their needs without expecting anything in turn.

AMEN.

Hey, Lord.  I just talked to Andres and he's going to join me in this endeavor to be more like You.  We are going to take "LOVE" for the next three days.  He's going to focus on loving the junior high kids at La Plata Middle School, and I am going to work on loving some of Brie's less than desirable friends and the diabetes patients in Silver City.  Okay......learning to be more like You.  I LOVE that!  :)

Day twenty-two without Dad

Good morning Lord.....Praise You, Praise You, Praise You!!!!!  Your mercies are indeed new each morning.  Today Katie woke up and said, "Mom, I found sunshine again.", and it seems that you are granting that to several other family members!!  It feels like a breakthrough of sorts.  Last night, we had victory when Katie began to talk very candidly with us about Dad's passing and she even watched the slideshow from his funeral service.  There was a FLOOD of tears, but we knew that it was necessary to move to the next step.  There's nothing more the enemy would want then for her to let her light dim out, with the loss of her biggest earthly love- Dad.  Aside from her Mom and Dad, her Papa was the first love of her life and it was her first heartbreak.  The enemy knows this, and he'd love to confuse her about her purpose.  Life needs Katie, and Katie needs life!  You are the life giver and even in death, life is to be had. Eternally!  So, Lord, as much as we have been on our knees begging for the pain to be lifted, today I stand and lift my hands to the Heavens in Praising You for the sunshine!!  After all, Dad's nick name for the girls was "Papa Sunshine." 

Be with Mom today as she visits with a counselor for the first time, and begins to glue back the pieces of her broken heart.  I picture a mosaic piece just waiting to be created!  Create something new in her from all the pieces of her life and grant me the honor of watching it be displayed.  Oh, how the people will want to meet the Artist of such a creation, and I know Mom will give out Your name each and every time!

So, Lord for today, on day 22 without Dad, I give you all my praise for giving us a fresh breath of air.  Thank you for healing Andres, giving Katie sunshine in her heart, givng Brie a spring in her step and just blessing Sofia with continued innocense of a child.  Oh............and THANK YOU for allowing me to see Dad in my dreams last night.  I asked You before I fell asleep to please allow me to see him and hug him one last time, and you granted that!  I want to share with my family members, but not sure if I should.  It felt so great to feel Dad's embrace one more time.  I could feel the crispness of his jacket, and as I wrapped my arms fully around his mid-section (belly as I would refer to it with Dad), I could feel his embrace.  I cried so hard in my dream and found that when I woke up, I was covered in my tears in real life too.  Thank you for such an experience.

With so much love and life today,



Beth