A Sister's Prayer

There are many moments in  life that bring forth emotions, of one sort or another.  Perhaps the emotion is of an elation that stretches every muscle in your smile.  But . . .maybe . . .it's the kind of emotion that makes every tear drop gland work without a break.  That kind of emotion that takes you to the Father's heart, and hands.  The kind of hurt that bursts forth without a warning, and it cuts deep to the core.

Lord, please mend these holes in my heart.  Mend, and heal the deep aching in my heart where relationships are void.  Mend and heal those spots, whether my brothers come near or not.  I cannot put the life in which You have created for our family on hold, in the hope of tomorrow.  What is before me today, is the very truth I have to grasp, and then pray the tomorrow into Your hands.  I have no idea how long, or how deep this gaping hole will continue to grow.  Oh, how it hurts!!  I ache for my holes, the holes of my children, my husband, my mother (their mother), and the very holes that are burning flames of anger into their hearts.  Heal every one of us.  Complete Your good will and purpose for every one of our lives, and return each one of us to Your heart.  Give me an acceptance of the situation, until You do something different.

Lord, where there be sin in my life, clean it.  Where there is pain, heal it.  Bind up the wounds of this weary spirit, and spring forth the fountain of hope and joy.  Joy, and peace, which brings unity!  Please allow me to live this out, with full evidence for my children to see as a living example of what hope waits for.  Lord, bring glory to Your good name, and let those around us see ashes recreate into something inexplicable.  Let those around us not question who You are, but see who You are, simply by the works of Your hands.  Let them see a 21 Century miracle before their very eyes.  Let them find a divided family, turn united.  A waywardly son, return. Tears, turned to laughter.  Slumped shoulders of sorrow, turned upright and bold in witness.  Let them see You.

Tonight, I go to bed with a heavy heart, and Lord, I pray that You collect every tear of pain and return it to the earth of my heart as a promise of healing.  Let the supernatural, do something to this natural body.  Bring my brothers and I back into fellowship, and do not let one more week pass before contact has been made.

Being a "guest"

Good morning Lord,

It's  4:27 a.m., and the day has started early this Sunday morning.  It's so exciting to think we are going to visit a Sunday School class for the first time in over a year and a half, and for some reason I am a bit nervous too.  I always get these jitters before meeting a new group of people, and it's always at the church we are visiting more than anywhere else.  Not sure why, but I think it's because those you meet at church are the very core of you will get to know in a way like no other group of people.  We journey together, with those we fellowship with.  We share parts of our hearts with those we attend church with, like none other.  They watch the highlights of our lives unfold, and the heartbroken cuts of the valleys.  They see us lift our hands in absolute adoration of who You are, Lord, and kneel at the alter in complete surrender.

Father, I ask that you help us plug into our new church home of First Baptist Woodstock.  Help us not fade into the crowd of anonymity, rather become the hands and feet of what You are doing.  Help us form relationships that we can help grow, watch grow, and grow with.  Do the same for Brianne, Katie, and Sofie. I pray for an explosion in their faith, girlfriend relationships abound, and a sense of community who are striving to become more like You.

I can hardly wait to get together with a group of ladies, for a Bible Study or a simple cup-of-coffee.  To learn about their journey, share parts of mine, and continue on with the new days ahead.  Thank you for the mountain bike ministry for Andres.  It seems that he has found a niche of guys to hang out with, ride the trails with, and to have some familiar faces in a crowd of many.

Speaking of Andres, thank you that we've been able to stay connected through the transition of New Mexico to Georgia.  It was tough the first couple of weeks, after the older two girls and I arrived.  Thank you for helping us recognize the need for date night once-a-week, and for giving one another grace for the other as we quickly tried to adjust.  I know it's not easy living with a parent, but Lord, You are being so gracious to us through this process.  Help us not be a burden to mom, rather a blessing.  Help us make special memories during this time.  Thank you for narrowing the gap of the house search, and for allowing us to move forward with Providence Walk Way.  I cannot think of a better name for a street for us to live on.

When we looked up the actual meaning of Providence, it shouldn't have come to no surprise that it meant "God's protection and preparation for the future eventualities."  WOW!!  Father, it's a return to Your message to me through this move of "Celebrate."  I know we have some things to take care of until we can actually sign on the bottom line for this particular house, and I pray that You walk us through every step.  Thank you for a spec home that is being finished out to our liking, and put on hold for us.  We pray for every single home owner, of the houses we have looked at.  We pray for the sell of their house, for their transitions, and for the new homeowners who will reside on their properties.  Lord, we specifically pray for the blue house owners, and the white house owners.  And, of course, if You want to do something still with one of these properties, let that be known to us as well.

Lord, this is Your day, as it is EVERY day.  I give you June 22nd, and pray that we bring You glory through our praise and worship, and fellowship.  Open our eyes, and ears to your Word.  Let us hide it deep into our hearts, and use it in someway this week.

With much love,

Beth

Frozen Yogurt and Toppings

What topping are you to Him?

Today marks almost one week since discovering the depth of my allergy to salicylic acid, and I've been watching so much of what I eat and consume.  Weird how so much contains this particular allergen, and all along I've thought it was a chemical only found in face products.  I feel a bit slimmer, less bloated, have experienced a decrease in swelling of my ankles, more focused, and when I have my one cup-of-coffee a day, I can really tell a difference.  I instantly start clearing my throat, and it's crazy to me how this one annoying aspect of my daily life was tied into what I was drinking/eating.  Coffee is such an experience to me, and to not have at least one-a-day, is not right.  :)  It's a morning ritual, and I will push through a little swelling and throat clearing to enjoy the 8 oz. of enjoyment. 

But, that's not the point of today's entry.  A close friend of mine encouraged me to jot down something I mentioned yesterday, to share with others.

I was telling her how I have grown so much much closer to Christ, in Silver, because it was so barren in the "extras".  I didn't have a Bible study group to attend, a women's ministry that I could be actively involved in, the praise and worship was simply sweet (emphasis on simple), and the messages were given by a variety of pastors.  I love our current church, for the people within it's walls, but it's been hard to not have a pastor for a year and a half and all the "extras".

He lifts the toppings up, sustains them, and He NEVER melts!

I told my friend that I have learned what it means to have Christ as my all-in-all, like the main substance of frozen yogurt, and when we return to Georgia the toppings will come. I don't want to switch that focus to women's Bible studies, children's ministries, amazing praise and worship being my yogurt, and having Christ as my topping (or after thought).  I want to keep Him first, and allow the sweet things of the "Bible Belt" to add to what He and I already have.

Load up your cup full of Him, whatever that flavor might be, and sprinkle on the colorful parts of life on top!  He lifts the toppings up, sustains them, and guess what?!?  He NEVER melts!!!  It's ongoing, and the toppings can even change.  Some seasons in life call for sprinkles, and other seasons call for chunks of brownies!  He loves each one of us so much, and it amazes me that He finds everyone of us as His favorite topping!!

 I think I'm sprinkles, to Him, for sure!  What topping are you? 

Highlights and Insights

Perhaps you find the idea of listening to the prompting of the Lord in getting highlights done a bit odd, but I don't.  I believe He prompts us to go here, or there.  Grab a coffee "now", or "wait."  Have lunch with that ol' friend this afternoon, or head straight home.  The list goes on an on.  Now, I'm not saying that you're out of obedience if you fail to follow one of these directions, I just believe you miss opportunities He has for you.  He prompts us so that we can experience Him fully, in a variety of places, doing various things.  Let me share what happened yesterday.

I went to work, had a coffee with the principal I've been doing my internship with, and on my way home, I felt the prompting to stop in and get my hair cut.  It was very spontaneous for me, as I usually have these sorts of things planned out, and for sure planned out with specific people.  But, not yesterday.  I pulled into the Belleza Spa and Salon and asked if they had an opening for a haircut.  They did, but it would be with a new girl, and I ALWAYS get nervous about the "new" person.  I think it's because I've been the new person giving services, and let's just say that with time comes perfection of skill.

I was hesitant and asked a million questions about this "new girl", and took a leap.  Not only did I have them put me down for a haircut, but also for my very first highlight (in a salon, as boxes with my mom are always cheaper and she does a great job).  With that in place, we were going to get to know one another because we had the next two hours to do so.  We talked about husbands, children, infertility, new towns, old houses, Hatch chili's and how they're not the only good ones in New Mexico (gasp), and here's where it took a turn.  We talked about facials!  She graduated from the Aveda School in Albuquerque, and I shared with her how we took our daughter there to do a tour because she wants to be a cosmetologist.  I also shared with her my ABSOLUTE LOVE for spas and Aveda products, but there was one problem.  I told her that I couldn't use all the fun anti-aging, acne preventing products because I am allergic to salicylic acid.  Hang on to your spanks people!  Here it goes.

She said, "Oh man.  That means you can't have aspirin either."  I said, "Yes, how did you know that?  I mean, what does aspirin have to do with salicylic acid?"  She said it has everything to do with one another because salicylic acid is in aspirin, and in fact, salicylic acid is many foods, lotions, etc.  WHAT?  I was shocked, but not as shocked as I was about to be.

She showed me article, after article, after article about those allergic to salicylic acid.  I thought it was just a topical issue, but it's not!!  It's in foods, drinks, and other toiletries that I have been using.  The symptoms of someone who is salicytrate intolerant was shocking to me because I have been struggling with each one of them simultaneously for close to 18 years.  Symptoms like headaches, throat clearing (and if you know me, or have been a former student of mine you know how annoying this has been), swollen ankles, sleep apnea (or snoring), breakouts, and a few more that are too embarrassing to put down in the written word.  I was dumbfounded because it's high in some of my favorite fruits and vegetables that I eat every day.  It is also in my all time favorite beverage, in fact it's a passion of mine, COFFEE!!!!!!!!!  Aaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!  What is a girl to do now?

I wanted to cry, because if you have been struggling with these things and they seem to be just apart of who you are, it comes as a great relief to see how they are directly woven together and it all comes down to the on thing that I've known I was allergic to: salicylic acid.  I was surprised that my dermatologist never mentioned the internal implications, nor my doctors.  I feel like all the negative, or annoying things that I struggle with, could be reduced (if not eliminated) by a cautious watch on my salicylic acid intake.  Due to the stress our family has experienced over the past year or so, it has only been accelerated.  That's why my hair has been breaking, ankles swollen for no apparent reason, extreme face breakouts, and headaches. 

When I started to reflect on my past with this intolerance, it all makes since.  I didn't clear my throat, have such terrible headaches, swollen ankles, snoring, etc. when I was in high school.  I started all of this around the end of my freshman year of college.  Well, that's when my coffee intake started, and other things I should be avoiding (like particular skin care items, etc.) started as well.

Today starts day 1 of the journey to watching my salicylic acid intake.  It's complicated because it's a natural ingredient that can be found in the rarest of items like tomatoes (which I LOVE), gum, peppermint, spices, and so much more.  I am attempting to slowly, but surely, detox my body and slowly reintroduce a few items that I miss terribly.  I know what you're thinking.  What are you going to do about your coffee problem?  Glad you were worried too.  I am only having one cup today, as opposed to four, and it will be the purest of forms.  I will switch to decaf (which contains minimal SA) and go from there.  It's crazy to think that even when I was cautiously trying to lose weight, that was a hindering me from truly losing weight.  The SA found in products that someone like me cannot tolerate, actually makes you bloated and retain abnormal amounts of water.  So crazy!!!

You see, there's one more aspect to this.  I have been praying to the Lord, specifically for the past few days, that He please help me get my body back in shape.  I have been perplexed as to why it's been so hard.  Exercise is a must, and I have been working on that, but this is a HUGE problem that needed to be addressed.  It's caused more dangerous situations than a few extra pounds, like blood pressure issues and hypertension, and if my highlights yesterday was to just find out more about this one allergy, then PRAISE HIM!!!

Thank you Lord for loving me so much as to prompt me, thank you Aveda for teaching your students thoroughly, and thank you Amy for being the "new girl" that led me to this discovery!  By the way, I was able to share the Lord with her, through all of this!

Georgia . . . Hummingbird

This morning, I had to force myself to leave the ED Week Online catalog of Webinar opportunities for teachers.  I miss the classroom terribly, and I know that before I can unpack our first few boxes, I will be gearing up for a new school year and will return to the familiar sounds of packed hallways, moving desks and chatter.  I have surrendered my principalship, and I am trusting Him with the master's program He's led me through the past year.  I know He will have that leadership position down the road, but not for now.

The Lord, without a doubt, is moving us to Georgia.  This particular state is packed with many emotions, boundaries, relationships, backgrounds, and history.  In fact, this state is so emotional that several of my siblings cannot stand to hear, for one moment, that any of us are returning.  This summer marks exactly twenty years since we crossed the Georgia/Alabama state line and when we left we thought we'd never return.  We left behind a broken family through divorce, personal bad choices, friendships gone wrong, relationships left hurting, and a complete mess of problems.  Many times throughout my life, I wanted to avoid the peach state and not make reference to it other than reminisce about the culture that I did love.  I love front porches, big trees that sound like water when they sway, lightening bugs, green grass for cartwheels, the hospitality others show when you stop by, fashion, sweet tea everywhere you go, and beautiful colors that appear in spring/fall.  What I didn't love was the insecurity I carried, the need for attention I displayed, and all that goes with these two attributes.

That's the way our Lord does His thing!  He returns us to our pain to redeem us, rewrite the pages, erase that which we confess, and set us on new ground.  I left a broken teen, and return twenty years later as a confident woman in Christ.  I left not knowing who I was, and I am returning fully defined.  Nothing remained the same, and it's all new.  Not even a consignment piece, but a beautifully hemmed garment of grace, forgiveness, redemption and mercy.  Thank you Lord for redefining Elizabeth Anne DeJager into Your girl!!  Extreme makeover at it's best!

Hummingbird in Silver City, NM (Bear Mountain Lodge)

It feels so great to be here once more.  Here at the computer, cup-of-coffee, Gungor playing in the background, the sun shining through, and the windows open.  It refreshes everything in me to be in this very moment.  Did I mention the hum of the arriving hummingbirds?  Yes, it's a beautiful phenomena here in Silver City, New Mexico.  Every year, the hummingbirds make their pilgrimage here and flood our town with the sounds of late spring/early summer.  Humans flock from everywhere to grab a close look at the array of colors, and species.  Yes, Lord, You are an amazing architect of all sorts!

Good Wednesday to each of us and let's make it count!

One year since last post . . .

It's been a long time since I have punched away at the keys of this ol' keyboard.  Almost one year, to be exact, and the changes that have occurred in that time are inexplicable.  Where to start, which event to talk about, emotion felt, or victory experienced is beyond me 'bout I start with where we are today? 

Brianne is almost 16 years old, Katherine is about to turn 10, and Sofia Margaret is all of 7 years-old.  My age, and that of my best friend, are pointless.  It would be more important to point out our state-of-mind.  Andres is youthful once more, and as he puts it, has become reacquainted with an ol' friend (his mountain bike), and I am still continuing to know the Lord's plan for me in this very moment.  I wish I was a quick learner, and a better student at living in the moment, but it's hard. I am happy here, but the joy is lacking.  It should not be lacking, rather overflowing with absolute gratitude for where He has placed us.

I have a burnt candle paper, that was used during the midnight candle mass at the monastery behind our home, that is neatly framed.  It serves as a reminder to let 2013 burn with all it's sad, harsh memories of pain, and to laugh at the days ahead in 2014.  After all, isn't that what the Proverbs 31 Woman did in the pages of scripture?  I haven't laughed at my days this year, but I have felt hope and a renewed since of the journey ahead.  I understand that my Dad will not be apart of that journey, and forgiveness must be his on this side of heaven.  In heaven, he is not only forgiven, but righteous and pure in every sense of the word.  The forgiveness to grant, is for my soul on this side, so that I will not be found to blame.  I truly feel forgiveness, but I absolutely feel sadness at times.  I am learning to forgive, and give freedom to go.  Once more, he is free, but the freedom is for me to receive. 

Uprooted, without a plan, in the sways of the wind that is ever-changing, and at the full mercy of the Father's hands is where I am.  It's clear to see where His backwards approach to this earthly system is:  what is up is down, and what is down is up.  Here, in my flesh, I feel anything but functional, but in Him, I am perfectly woven into His grip and He is delighted.  He is thankful for my heart of putty, and finds me ripe for the picking because I do not have a will of where I need to be, rather where does He want me.  It's just hard to be in this place at times.  This place, meaning the tilled up soil of my uprooted heart.  I am longing for a home.  A home to nestle, settle, and nest in.  A plan that has me on course for a few years, without change.  Wait...that's heaven. 

Since my last posting, back in April of 2013, we had my mom live with us for a couple of months, family feuds, went through several procedures, two surgeries, healing for six weeks, a runaway child, and a beloved family pet that was clutched into the claws of an owl.  Breathe, attack, breathe, attack, breathe.......more like swimming in an ocean of waves. 

This year has brought a wind of change.  A change of spiritual journey and what it means to be a disciple, in lieu of a Christian.  To be a God girl, and not a church girl.  To love, whether they love me or not.  It has also brought change to mom in her work, living spaces, future possibilities, future residential living in another part of the United States, my career and so much more.  The changes are good, but shifting.  Change is on the horizon, and what that looks like, I have no idea!

Friends have adopted, friends are now fostering, friends have drifted in/out of our lives, our family has grown in it's bond, minds are molding, hearts are mending, bodies are growing.  The church is no longer a place to receive/give services, rather a place to serve.  The attendance means nothing, the music is just a bonus, and the messages are a building upon of what has already been read throughout the week.  The church is us, and not us in church.  Dog taken, dog adopted, from Annabel Lynn to Molly Anne.  From Literacy Link, to prayers of a leadership role.  Contentment to commitment and the commitment to contentment.  Twenty-four hour escapes to another city for swimming, laughing, and discovering.  Arizona out, New Mexico maybe, the deep south a yes.  Management to engineering, to the unknown. 


Still God is good!

Three months and some lessons along the way...

If anyone could read this post tonight, it would be great if it was someone that has experienced a deep hurt that seems impossible to carry.  The kind of hurt that if you think too long about the details, then surely you would find yourself in a dark place.  The kind of hurt that sneaks up and stirs up uncontrollable emotions and you find yourself wiping your cheeks once more.  I would love for this kind of hurting reader to be with me tonight, reading the words that fall from my fingers to the keyboard, because it brings me comfort to know that not only are you going through this kind of hurt, but also to encourage you that it will be okay.  We will be okay.  And not only did I walk around before thinking that I had experienced hurt, but I really didn't know that the level of pain that would be coming would only make my former pain look so bearable. 

The girls and I have spent the past four days in Arizona, with Mom/Mimi and it has been so hard.  I asked Mom this morning, while we were sitting out back with our cup-of-coffee why it seems that the overwhelming sense of loss is greater now, then the first few weeks?!?  I thought that as time went on, the sting would go away, and actually the sting does, but the mental thoughts are relentless.  It's a lurking emotional disaster waiting to happen, when all you really want to do is see the brighter tomorrow. I prayed on the way home today, that the Lord would bring control over my thoughts and allow me to see the day for what it is TODAY, and not what it WAS.  I want to touch and experience my moments for what they are in real time.  Everything I see, hear, experience right now has a reminder of Dad all over it, and it's making it hard.  Not that I want to "move on" from knowing Dad and having him apart of my day, but I want to experience what God has in store for me and my family as it relates to today.  The yesterday brings pain right now, not joy. 

If you are reading this, and honestly, it's probably my Mom or Holly reading, and I may think my Mom has forgotten about this blog, so I'm pretty sure it's just Holly.  But Holly, if you or someone else is reading this, I want you to know that no matter what kind of pain our Lord is going to permit to come your way, He will be faithful to walk oh so closely to you, especially in the beginning, and the experience will leave you less fearful of future pain, rather a deeper understanding that this is what it means to live as Christ.  I have never felt more like Christ, and still pales in comparison, than when I heard Dad's secretary cry out "He's gone."  When I heard those words falling out of the phone from Arizona to New Mexico, I felt piercing pain.  The kind of pain that leaves you on the floor, and even then, the pain was no greater than what my poor mother felt.  A widow at 54 to such a tragic loss, has been more than she can bare, just like the cross Jesus was trying to carry as He was suffering on the way to the hill where He would be crucified.  I know Rick Warren's family is feeling the same kind of pain, as they walk through the valley of suicide. 

Though the valley is barren feeling, and lonely (especially for mom), our hope in Christ Jesus leads us to believe that the valley is only connecting two mountain tops.  To get from one mountain top of life to the next, one must go through the valley.  For a journey without the valley, is no journey at all.  I know His presence will only be that much stronger, and apparent through this kind of journey.  I see why Paul says to consider it pure joy to suffer, for in our suffering our faith is made genuine. 

Lord, we are putting our full trust in You that You have not simply "called" us to go through such a loss for our "good", rather You have a plan for this type of pain.  Please do not let us merely have a story to tell our children and grandchildren of how we experienced loss and Your faithfulness, rather let ministries arise from these ashes to Your full glory!!!  Let us not return to ordinary life, but bring us to a deeper faith in You and a trust that goes beyond circumstances!!  Father, I know You hold the very breath I breathe this very moment, and I pray that I breathe in Your truths, and exhale Your goodness to those around me.  Inhale truth, exhale blessings!  Inhale truth, exhale hope!  Inhale truth, exhale light!  Inhale truth, exhale encouragement!  Inhale truth, exhale life!

May You be praised, and grant us a feeling of Your very presence!  Make Your presence in my life all that I need, and not wishing for a human presence to replace You!  I love Dad, but he cannot be what I need!  I need You!

With love,

Beth