The Last Word. . . 19 Months Later

Dad and Sofia Margaret.  He loved the granddaughters.  And.....they adored their Papa.

Dad and Katie during our visit to Arizona.  He surprised us, and then took us on an adventure

Pain hits. Whether we are ready or not.Found this devotional 19 months later, in my "inbox" in an old e-mail account, from my Dad the night he committed suicide. I did not know he sent this to my mother and I,   until August 31, 2014. How do you get past such pain and hurt, and then to only turn around to more pain and hurt?  You don't.  The Lord does. Seeking His face, in the details that grip our hearts.  Trusting Him with that which we face in the moment.  Letting go, so He can do something new.  So, I "publish" as to capture the profound message that my Dad took with him.  Sent to me, his daughter, at 8:48 p.m., moments before he would go to meet the Lord.  Father, heal our broken hearts, tender places, and moments of grieving. Mend, massage, and provide new memories. 

"Little" Joshs' graduation from the Air Force.  San Antonio, Texas.

Day 4 of 21....beaches to consider

Good morning Lord,

Going into the second week of consistent running, and it feels great.  Someone said a few weeks ago, and I wish I could remember where, that we ought to be "healthy" not for a number (for that will change all the time), not for a size (because these change based on the brand of clothing), not for an event (that's a one time thing), nor for a swim suit for vacation (as it just never happens in time).  Rather, choosing healthy options to simply bring Him glory, to be available for whatever He calls us to, or just being alive fully in our bodies.  So, with that, I put on my running shoes and have been waking up (and returning to bed when I get home) at 4:45, having Andres drop me off at the McDonald's down the street, and running back with my 16 year-old daughter.  

It feels amazing!  The wind, the sounds, the rhythm of our feet pounding the pavement as we press on.  Pressing on with a different goal in mind.........life!!  Not the goal of numbers, sizes, for what the world wants to see, but to simply breathe deeper and ponder the things of Him while we run.  I must put a statement at this point.  We are not even running for the perfect time, nor for the admirable distance.  We just run, and run, and run.  We keep personal stats, never to be compared and not even "shared" on Facebook.  We just check our own.

Day 3 of Finding Spiritual Whitespace mentioned something that has me in a blanket of awe.  It's simple in thought, but complex in creation.  Here is an exert:

"With every turning wave, God slowly pushes grains of sand onto the shore. For countless number of moonlit turns, God took the time to sweep soft land, so that you and I can walk barefoot. . ."

It is beyond my comprehension to think He would purposefully softened the land that slides up to the edges of the water, so that we could feel the soothing sand particles on our feet, or run into the ocean waters with the free spirit of a child, maybe even find this place as a solid time out from the world.  To think of all the ways we enjoy the ocean waters and soft sand, and how disappointing it is when we drive along a shoreline that does not offer a friendly place to walk into the cold tides, has never crossed my mind.  I simply saw it as a day of creation, when our Lord split the dry land and water.  

Thank you Lord for providing a place to rest, find seashells, listen to the evening tides, run with our children, build castles only to be dreamed of in fairy tales, read a good book, laugh with our spouse, or even bury our spouse, and to simply experience a reprieve from the every day workings of life.  Your purposes for creation, were not to simply provide food and shelter, but REST!  I do thank you for the food of the sea, and the protection of shaded trees on land, but I am learning to love, accept, and receive REST.  Rest, even when I am going.  

Day 2 of 21

Day 2 of 21:

Hmmm......a bit hard to understand, and yet a little too on target.  A few exerts from faithbarista.com, Day 2 challenge.

rest is one of only three ambitions that God explicitly calls out in the Bible. The other two are preaching the gospel and pleasing God. (Rom15:20, 2Cor5:9)

It’s easier to be functional rather than soft and tender.

We wouldn’t want to let anyone down.

Maybe we’re afraid if we took time out for quiet rest, soothing moments, we might realize how much we’ve put our hearts to the side.

The prompting question(s) for today are:

How do like to enjoy a quiet moment?  

With a time schedule that is not dictated.  Knowing that I have a time schedule on the quiet moments, create a feeling of anxiousness.  In an odd kind of way, I end up counting down the quiet moment time, when I know it will end at a specific time.  If I am free to "take my time", then I can relax and receive what the Lord may have for me, and it usually doesn't take that long.  Freedom to rest!

What encourages or discourages you from enjoying a quiet moment?

Encouraged quiet moments come with a freedom to enjoy the moment however I may feel at the time.  Sometimes it is through a quiet drive through God's creation, other times it is sitting quietly in a coffee shop.  

Discouraging quiet moments are always filled with expectations of what I need/should do during the quiet moment and if there is a definite time schedule to make it come to an end. 

What He says . . .

• Matthew 11:28-30

  "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
  
  

• Revelation 6:11

  Then each of them was given a white robe, and they were told to wait a little longer, until the number of their fellow servants and brothers who were to be killed as they had been was completed.

• Genesis 2:2-3

  By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work.  And God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.
  
  

• Exodus 20:8-10

  "Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy.  Six days you shall labor and do all your work,  but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your manservant or maidservant, nor your animals, nor the alien within your gates.
  
  

• Isaiah 14:3-4

  On the day the LORD gives you relief from suffering and turmoil and cruel bondage,  you will take up this taunt against the king of Babylon: How the oppressor has come to an end! How his fury has ended!
  
  

• Psalm 55:6

  I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest--
  
  

• 2 Corinthians 2:13-14

  I still had no peace of mind, because I did not find my brother Titus there. So I said good-by to them and went on to Macedonia.  But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him.
  
  

• Mark 6:31

  Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest."
  
  

• Psalm 127:2

  In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat-- for he grants sleep to those he loves.
  
  

• Mark 2:27

  Then he said to them, "The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.
  
  

• Mark 6:32

  So they went away by themselves in a boat to a solitary place.
  
  

• Psalm 4:8

  I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.
  
  

• Exodus 23:12

  "Six days do your work, but on the seventh day do not work, so that your ox and your donkey may rest and the slave born in your household, and the alien as well, may be refreshed.
  
  

• Exodus 33:14

  The LORD replied, "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest."
  
  

• Isaiah 26:3

  You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.
  
  

• Isaiah 57:1-2

  The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil.  Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.
  
  

• Psalm 23:1-6

  The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.  He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters,  he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.  Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me  You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.  Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
  
  

• Psalm 37:7

  Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.
  
  

• Hebrews 4:9-11

  There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God;  for anyone who enters God's rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his.  Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall by following their example of disobedience.
  
  

• John 16:33

  "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
  
  

• Philippians 4:6-7

  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
  
  

Whitespace: Day 1 of 21 Challenge

From the book:

Finding Spiritual Whitespace: Bonnie Gray

comes day 1 of a 21 day challenge to find the spiritual whitespace we all long for, and need.  It starts with the story of you and I.  The day we were born, and allowing the Lord to silence us in a moment of reflective purity of where we have been, where we are today, and where He desperately wants to take us (if we allow Him too).  

I, much like the author of this book, have felt compelled many times to write out the story of my journey.  Not for profit nor gain, but simply as a documented journal of who God has been in my life, and for the eyes of my daughters.  For them to know and trust that the same Lord who has captured my heart, redeemed it, and continues to save it, will do the very same for them.  After all, they are His daughters too.  Their salvation is sealed, and so. . . .I trust that no matter what comes their way, the Lord will capture it into their life's story...............for His perfected glory!  Whether it be sin, or life's way of drafting them into trials, I pray they can count it all joy.  And so, I begin the journey to learn how to count it pure joy.........as their forerunner.  

Here is a question posed on Day 1:

How has Jesus been drawing you to rest with Him — to confide in Him as friend to friend?

This will not take long to draft out a response.  Since the uprooting (twice), death via suicide of a dearly loved step-father, illness, divided family over death, loss of a family pet (seems menial, but not when it is compounded), a prodigal child, and the caring for of family, I can assure anyone around me that Jesus has been demanding my rest.  I have found it hard to find at times, and even difficult to do when I receive periods of time to rest.  Right when rest is granted, I question it.  When rest is bestowed upon me, I feel guilt.  Rest becomes a remedy to physical problems, I rush it. And the list goes on.  

Why has it been hard to find hearty rest?  Not a rest that resembles a brothy attempt to restore my fragmented heart, much like chicken noodle soup, rather a hearty reality that brings nourishment to my soul (like beef stew)?!?  That's right, hearty not brothy.  So, how do I get there?  I start to retrain my thinking and even habits that are keeping me away from what God is trying to gift me with.  After saving this draft, and doing some research on what God says about rest, I will return with His answer and post.  But, what a thought.  To think that He is granting, beckoning, and even providing rest for my weary heart, and I simply am not wired at this point to receive.  

Father, as I begin on an earthly attempt, with a sister-in-Christ (the author), to find that spiritual whitespace of my heart, please bring to light why it has been so difficult.  Shine Your light on the barriers to rest, and help me in tearing those down: one by one.  Help me receive all the eternal blessings you intend for me to receive, and do not let the enemy come between me and those gifts.  Like a parent who purposefully looks for a gift for their child, and would be devastated if that gift was ripped from their child's hand, so Your heart breaks when we are robbed of our heavenly blessings.

A Sister's Prayer

There are many moments in  life that bring forth emotions, of one sort or another.  Perhaps the emotion is of an elation that stretches every muscle in your smile.  But . . .maybe . . .it's the kind of emotion that makes every tear drop gland work without a break.  That kind of emotion that takes you to the Father's heart, and hands.  The kind of hurt that bursts forth without a warning, and it cuts deep to the core.

Lord, please mend these holes in my heart.  Mend, and heal the deep aching in my heart where relationships are void.  Mend and heal those spots, whether my brothers come near or not.  I cannot put the life in which You have created for our family on hold, in the hope of tomorrow.  What is before me today, is the very truth I have to grasp, and then pray the tomorrow into Your hands.  I have no idea how long, or how deep this gaping hole will continue to grow.  Oh, how it hurts!!  I ache for my holes, the holes of my children, my husband, my mother (their mother), and the very holes that are burning flames of anger into their hearts.  Heal every one of us.  Complete Your good will and purpose for every one of our lives, and return each one of us to Your heart.  Give me an acceptance of the situation, until You do something different.

Lord, where there be sin in my life, clean it.  Where there is pain, heal it.  Bind up the wounds of this weary spirit, and spring forth the fountain of hope and joy.  Joy, and peace, which brings unity!  Please allow me to live this out, with full evidence for my children to see as a living example of what hope waits for.  Lord, bring glory to Your good name, and let those around us see ashes recreate into something inexplicable.  Let those around us not question who You are, but see who You are, simply by the works of Your hands.  Let them see a 21 Century miracle before their very eyes.  Let them find a divided family, turn united.  A waywardly son, return. Tears, turned to laughter.  Slumped shoulders of sorrow, turned upright and bold in witness.  Let them see You.

Tonight, I go to bed with a heavy heart, and Lord, I pray that You collect every tear of pain and return it to the earth of my heart as a promise of healing.  Let the supernatural, do something to this natural body.  Bring my brothers and I back into fellowship, and do not let one more week pass before contact has been made.

Being a "guest"

Good morning Lord,

It's  4:27 a.m., and the day has started early this Sunday morning.  It's so exciting to think we are going to visit a Sunday School class for the first time in over a year and a half, and for some reason I am a bit nervous too.  I always get these jitters before meeting a new group of people, and it's always at the church we are visiting more than anywhere else.  Not sure why, but I think it's because those you meet at church are the very core of you will get to know in a way like no other group of people.  We journey together, with those we fellowship with.  We share parts of our hearts with those we attend church with, like none other.  They watch the highlights of our lives unfold, and the heartbroken cuts of the valleys.  They see us lift our hands in absolute adoration of who You are, Lord, and kneel at the alter in complete surrender.

Father, I ask that you help us plug into our new church home of First Baptist Woodstock.  Help us not fade into the crowd of anonymity, rather become the hands and feet of what You are doing.  Help us form relationships that we can help grow, watch grow, and grow with.  Do the same for Brianne, Katie, and Sofie. I pray for an explosion in their faith, girlfriend relationships abound, and a sense of community who are striving to become more like You.

I can hardly wait to get together with a group of ladies, for a Bible Study or a simple cup-of-coffee.  To learn about their journey, share parts of mine, and continue on with the new days ahead.  Thank you for the mountain bike ministry for Andres.  It seems that he has found a niche of guys to hang out with, ride the trails with, and to have some familiar faces in a crowd of many.

Speaking of Andres, thank you that we've been able to stay connected through the transition of New Mexico to Georgia.  It was tough the first couple of weeks, after the older two girls and I arrived.  Thank you for helping us recognize the need for date night once-a-week, and for giving one another grace for the other as we quickly tried to adjust.  I know it's not easy living with a parent, but Lord, You are being so gracious to us through this process.  Help us not be a burden to mom, rather a blessing.  Help us make special memories during this time.  Thank you for narrowing the gap of the house search, and for allowing us to move forward with Providence Walk Way.  I cannot think of a better name for a street for us to live on.

When we looked up the actual meaning of Providence, it shouldn't have come to no surprise that it meant "God's protection and preparation for the future eventualities."  WOW!!  Father, it's a return to Your message to me through this move of "Celebrate."  I know we have some things to take care of until we can actually sign on the bottom line for this particular house, and I pray that You walk us through every step.  Thank you for a spec home that is being finished out to our liking, and put on hold for us.  We pray for every single home owner, of the houses we have looked at.  We pray for the sell of their house, for their transitions, and for the new homeowners who will reside on their properties.  Lord, we specifically pray for the blue house owners, and the white house owners.  And, of course, if You want to do something still with one of these properties, let that be known to us as well.

Lord, this is Your day, as it is EVERY day.  I give you June 22nd, and pray that we bring You glory through our praise and worship, and fellowship.  Open our eyes, and ears to your Word.  Let us hide it deep into our hearts, and use it in someway this week.

With much love,

Beth